peace full torments

I just want to say
I am tired as a bat during day
my answer to the question is
I share these thoughts
for sure
I sometimes know it’s you
and sometimes I don’t
mind me
I do respect you
I do love you
with this tormented passion
that let’s me grief so enduribly
I enjoy playing
with words
just sometimes it feels
like if it can’t ever end
like a tunnel of pain
like Bella feels at times
and I can’t decide  or know if you are my Edward
or my Jacob…
just that I share my passion with you.


I am in dreamland
maybe it is just the music
but I doubt it
all my wishes are so dreamy and unreal
I can be all crazy, that is true
full of emotions – unable to hide them
in a world against all feelings
I am so alone with that
but still I will live my emotions
I am all confused
who wants to give me a punch
oh so many words again
the pain is gone
my thinking is all over the place
all again
I did not cry for long
but instead stronger than ever before
but actually
I know exactly what makes me write like that…

topsyturvy puzzle

when you watch movies and they completely speak to you, when they are larded with signs and names you can figure out and again signs that totally remind you of things of your personal life. When the whole film consists of words that go beyond, give hints and show the surface below… and you see it is all build on some figured out knowledge of some kind.  All after you didn’t catch the idea and deemed it to be total nonsense that stole your time, but then getting it all, especially after watching it several times, each time coming to a different conclusion which has to be thought over until watching it again and again.. then it suddenly makes sense but a different one.
some movies are just twisted, consisting of  a difficult topsyturvydom.

they make you ask yourself why and what and whatnot. But they surely speak of something that has some truth to the world, not psychologically, simply technically.
Still, it is confusing to a point where it gets you all discombombulated (what a word…)
And that after you didn’t even recognize the movie at the time it came to the movies.
While where we are, they usually come into the movies one or two years later anyway…

it starts with the title, goes on with the background picture which gives hints you only understand after watching the whole thing, then it takes all the names and gives sounds and ideas about statues, pictures and symbols hidden in the picture (movie) to putting all the strings together by connecting all the strange nonsense dialogues… it is a so-called mind -boggling hit piece if that makes sense.  Actually, I still can’t believe it.
I will have to watch this movie some more several times to get it in the end.
But actually I already do.
What I find interesting, is the style to ask questions towards the viewer sculptural as well as malleable… b2d106c0ce7f8d979b66326766bc8342
This movie is so loaded with signs, it is almost boring if you don’t know what they are talking all the time. Given it was just words over words to fill the time, to get bored is actually very easy. But then I am not the type that won’t think twice, I usually do think it over more than just three times, which can make things interesting.
Don’t call me nuts, I just have too much time on my hands. 26009129e2d44aeb2063e0d810d1e0cb


I was thinking: could it be, people make a movie over a topic that will occurr in the future while they know already some or all about the subject and in the future someone  lived through it, obviously finding out over the movie what happened. ?  Oh I am merely pondering, I probably need to work more… this is heavy stuff.  I need to have some distraction from the distraction. masks over masks over masks.

It is all about columbus circle.  Just saying. In Columbia, they do stuff in a strange way sometimes too.

leave the hurt behind

please stop to hurt me
please stop telling me how it is now
I think I got it
you are past me
and disinterested
like I was before I knew what happened then
my intent was never to hurt you
or get hurt by you
just leave me alone without the hurt
I just want to love from afar
like you do in the past
and understand what I have lost
my heart is burning
if it is so
my love is deeper than anything
yet we can’t make it happen
just stop to say it’s over
it hurts so so much
don’t let me live in hell
let us live our lifes.

today’s reality worn

my past reality is obviously over
my today reality is obviously difficult to understand
my reality is obviously spacy
like soo many questions I could ask myself
and never get an answer
because from when I started off as me
things went crazy to be true
all the time they spent on making it true
today it all makes sense out of the reason it never made any sense
I almost can’t get over it
I could drown again in all this unbelievably loopy reals
even if I am not
and if I was  I changed immediately after wards

the questions I ask myself the most are:
how could I have dismissed all the things important to me in the past
that meant something to me
also like how could I just break up with my best friend just like so
without feeling anything
this would explain so much
this discontinuity of things and passions
throughout my life
and why I called my mom my “aunt”
or why I felt like living in exile for ages…

memories fuzzy blurring

when you think, your memories are simply yours
when you think, you are sure you are you
when you think, everything is as told
when you think all is alright and in place
when you believe everything they tell you
but then
you notice
all those memories are potentially false
all those later memories are made up memories
you recognize them on photos
thinking this is what you lived through
thinking all you lived through is true
seeing that nothing adds up
why did people not talking to you anymore
while you wanted to know them
why did people not take any notice of you
while you claimed they were somewhat known to you
this makes all no sense and in a sense it does

why does standing on a skateboard make you fearful
when you stood on wheels as a little girl
this does not make any sense
why should I not go on with the things I did before
also this makes no sense and yet it does

and why should people speak of things
that belong together
over the years
when there isn’t a connection
a mind can be such a fucked up thing
mine is for sure
especially when they speak of ghosts
while there is one
now I understand

this is the night of revealments
to myself
I hope.

maybe, since Corona, and before, they couldn’t give me the beta blocker I needed
to block my mind.
what a relieve this is…
so, welcome back memories of never seen events….