drowning in backwater

waking up from nightmare
being in the rockies
so literally do I dream
it is scary
drowning deeply afterwards
in submerged streets
sitting in a bus full of – well… women idiots
as well as some others, whoever in the back
with my back to the driver
which I usually hate
what’s that’s supposed to mean
we all had no chance
inside submerging tunnels
suddenly becoming jungles..
plus swimming no option
…. so… quite obvious
I hate my life
my waiting life
so what I do and not do does not mean a thing
very obviously
I hurt myself with thoughts
usually it leads to these kind of nightmares
my usual fear of being left
probably never can’t be taken away
always there is some more clever chick
than me
getting everything
so what does it mean at all
I lost someone
to eternity
just waiting
waiting, waiting, waiting forever
until he might come and take me with
no matter what catastrophe we were
and what happened
maybe that is all I get
to wait for eternity
on the other side
though while I am here, nothing I can do but wait
for I am lost to the world
every now and then showing up
to make sure, waiting is not that unpleasant
but that doesn’t work of course
my cage is fairly neat
I can’t run a way
from eternity
maybe never will
that is my fate
so who cares what thoughts I have
they do not mean a thing
they grant me only nightmares
of the fiercest kind
I am eating only to go on waiting
for things never to come
here in this dullsville
or should I say backwater… (fits the dream…)
where nothing ever happens
to me
except me giving away money for food
so I can wait a little longer
for things never to come
this life is a true nightmare
became true.

I use to torture myself
thinking how better these are
how more popular
with all the features
a female human being
on this racist planet must show
while all the features I show
are not the ones
which most men want
so I torture myself
on the usual
because I am not used anything else
but that kind of agony
they might be what you guys want
and I am all wrong
cause I look etnic-like
so what
thoughts are just about you and them
because it hurts so good
that nightmares follow
each and every time
hope you are happy now
knowing the secret
of dullsville


some would call it bratting
some would maybe
while it might only be me
trying to get the truth
I maybe deserve it…
so it is all good
if I get it
or should I say
if I accept it…
also, it is so hot
this time of the month
what can I do
it’s all about the ifs
I should find a shelter soon
only I’m not confident
if this will play out…

thunderstorms hurricanes tornadoes, the works – a little history

last time the day I found out “she” was “his” sweetheart, a storm twice as big as
any biggest hurricane destroyed half of my hometown
and some others too
even took the trees
I left before
sending it down perhaps… my thoughts wild, wild with rage
just sitting in the home bound train, hurting
it seems it starts to be a pattern
today I found out there is her being his sweetheart so-to-speak
— and voilá: here strokes the lightning right in front of our house
the very same day
I never saw such a bright strong hellish flash like this one
without rain…
no matter how much they said,
thunderstorms are to be awaited
after the heat —
here we go again
come hell and high water
and flashes aside of me
usually when I flip out… the deepest
it so happens
without my doing
just as the original thing
that thunderstorms or only flashes
women are like that
we are weapons
in silence
if this makes sense at all
energy of umbrage seems to attract to me
when it’s serious
and real
so nobody can play me…
I usually flash, making it “has-been-true”
I could ask my cards
but oh well… the thunderstorms do it well too…

thing is I can’t drown
two times they tried
but water can’t hurt me
I will come up anyway
but not from this
never mind,
I do not fear thunderstorms
or cataclysms

may this night be a long and stormy…
so be it
)so a long and stormy night began…(

the utter final hurt

tonight my heart so broke in the end
I never felt so broken humiliated in the very end
like this time
you don’t know me yet
you never really did
you do not know of the deep that dwells inside this broken
oh won’t there finally
be another word for stupid “heart”
cause I can’t hear it anymore
too many times broken like in the very very very end
it does not feel smooth anymore, maybe never did
only one second of heal there was
one second of fine, than life really began
you were too late anyway
you did not understand me
you did not got me
so why make more words
this is the last time
the last time of any time
all lost me
on this disaster
done like often before, so what does it even mean
I hate you guys for this
we will never speak again
never meet, ever, as if it ever was…
but my stupid heart believed
talked into wrong direction
as always
everything is of unimportance now
nor is it any glance
this was the deepest insult
I ever got

I am dead
no feelings
no sight
no interest
no getting
no nothing at all forever
I won’t have this
I won’t
I just won’t
I can’t
since this is too much
all my nightmares coming for a reason
I am off
soon there will be no glance of me
as well as no trail
I vanish into very midnight – darker as collapsar
I should never talk to you again
cause – the dead cannot speak
as can’t be revived
and do not want to

but I wish you all the fun
with her
I wished all of them fun
all the time this occurred
with all the beauties
to them
and me mortified
knowing, all was for nothing
but then again, that’s maybe just life
something turns up
conquers by mistake
laughs forever.
but then again, my life is surely not like that
otherwise we wouldn’t be here
on our own
grey haired early
most certainly
it killed my soul off

I so should have known her sight was serious
to you
the shock got me now
I don’t care for anything anymore
what did I think
certainly not what you guys thought I did
except: my utter ugliness, which you make fun off
you all are out
of your minds
but most most most certainly: out of mine
as of exactly now.
just leave never to come back to my side, guys, as I will do the same…

jealous- y

should I be jealous now just so
maybe I should
you told me so:
there is nothing I can do
I know that so well
never was it different
ever before it was like that, these
thus I hate my ugliness
all these -nessess
I do not listen
I do not – oh damn I care
my nightmares tell it all
my words are tears
because I’m dry
no water anywhere
at all
inside, eyes, down there, mouth-wise
my life a xeric stream bed…

how hell feels like

I live in hell
pure hell
I wonder if there ever is an end to it
I guess right now not
I live like Gretel
fat crammed by the witch
for my own downfall
which is now
my life worthless like nothing else
I hate my life
I might just wander away
one day
without belongings
like a bum tramp
I will never feel good
in hell

ridiculous doldrums

right now my life is in the doldrums
calm waters everywhere around
nothing to see but water
waves long gone
this fate I have to accept
from somewhere I hear people scream
from all the waves going about
being tossed and pitched by meter high waves
of blue water
I can almost see them, far away
they might wigwag to me from that far
while my eyes have difficulty
I can make them out, somehow
but that was it
my ship doesn’t move
no one can come near
no waves here to pitch and toss
from there to here
doldrums are like prisons
we wait and see
yet can’t share
i’s ridiculous
ridiculously painful
silent screams in agony
down there it is deep
like a mirror
I want to faint
into the water fall
see what is behind the glass
some insects have vanished there
never to resurface
I wonder where they have gone
something must be behind all this…
something except a goner
is it stunning
or just as boring as my life
in the calm