… and then you realize…

… that nothing is of importance any longer.

You can just go and rest. For the rest of all time.

You just feel, when it’s time.

Because nothing here can fascinate you anymore. Or delight you. Or simply thrill you.

And then you realize, that nobody waits for you. And you wait for nobody in return.

Then, and only then, it is time to go. Me, in my case, know for sure, that this is the time to go and let go. I let go of my family which is not interested in me anymore and will never be, I let go of the job idea which I will never have (the job that is), and I will let go of my dreams, which I can never fulfill. Question is, what am I waiting for. As mentioned, I wait for nobody and definitely wait for nothing anymore.  I am done with the USA, I am done with Germany, and I am done with love. Yeah, and I have no idea what should come next. I just can’t need another year of mayhem. No.

I am done. And I am not in younger years where there was some kind of thinking behind those thoughts. Now, I am someone just doing what I say. And I say, I am done. With myself and with the world. With all the terrorists, the neonazi people, and with all the politicians. And of course with my family. Yes. And with all the stupidness in the world.

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And mark my words: there must be, just must be, a black hole on to us,

or at least this mysterious other planet earth running into us,

which effects all the people’s mind to go bonkers. Or something like that. It is simply not normal anymore.

Christmas is over

What if you are sure, that God does not love you.

What if you are sure that God loves everybody else but you.

What if, you are sure, that your life was not worth to be lived.

What if, I am sure that this really is true. In my case. In that case, I am sure every second was a failure and a definite waste. So sad. But it’s true.

This what the ghost of this Christmas told me. And the last one and the one before.   I lost everything, and there it is, the big Nothing is waiting for me, for years to come. I am bored anyway since many lonely years, but since the world has become such a rotten place, I think, it’s not worth it to try harder or try at all.

Yes I am depressed big time. What else. There was a Christmas again with no sense at all. Like all the years before. If you can’t stand reading this shit, then I apologize, but that is the hard truth and nothing else, if it does not suit you, I am really sorry, then you have to stop reading my blog. Just a disclaimer… which came late but anyway.

And on we go to next year’s senseless nonsense. Yayy !!!!

I am looking forward to loneliness, boredom, senseless crafting which no one will ever see or even like, declination of job applies, and plenty of humiliations and disappointments, and a bunch of peskiness. Is this not a leap of fun. Or would one say faith? No, I don’t have faith anymore. In nothing. And even if this is true, I won’t be a terrorist or a person that disturbs the public life. Even if you would not believe this, like always, like everybody does normally. Society will fall even harder the next years, and I will sit in my room and try to lie to myself, that this is not happening. What a world. So tell me, how much worth is it, still, to breathe and be here? For someone like me? No, I don’t need an answer, you would not be reading anymore anyway, but just in case. I guess, most people would say yes. No sense at all, and especially for you, it is not. zauberstabelfe4

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Painful and trauma is back

My trauma is coming back, from the accident a few years ago. Thanks for that. I came home today and I was crying on the train, I could not help myself, seeing all the people traveling home or somewhere, probably for Christmas, and it made me so sad. I am sad and have a real lump in my throat. Nothing is going the right way this year.  My thoughts are with the people suffering, with the people around me who are mostly sad at the time because they might have illnesses, problems and so on, and with me, who is not fitting in at any place, with any people or anything. I was so much hoping on a happy Christmas. After all the sad Christmases I had before.  But it is not coming.

I probably will have to tattoo a crucifix on my forehead. So people might not keep me for a Muslim any longer. Because I am fed up with that. And by the way: mostly, when I look at strangers, I don’t categorize them or have any prejudices against them. They just are. And yes, there might be a feeling of concern towards them, in case we don’t bond or don’t like each other, but normally, I take them as they are. Thinking nothing, just accepting the picture. Most people are not like that, they categorize the first minute they see someone. A friend who went to live in Canada, told me that she feels that we in Germany are very categorizing, judging and she does not now that from Canada so much. That is so true…

In Germany, most people categorize me to be… well, I already said it.  I am so done with Germany. With Merkel, the Afd, the Neonazis, everybody. No, this isn’t my country either anymore….

I had an accident once. My scar is a proof which will stay with me forever.  One can feel so humiliated. I feel humiliated now. When I was a child, I was hurting physically when people told me about people with severe injuries. I can keep thinking about this for a long time and it keeps to be with me whatever I do, without being able to stop it. It might stay  in the background, but anyway.  That is so painful…

Why all this…?

… something that consoles me

  • Watching the movie “The Holiday”.

it really has so many scenes in it, that fit on me completely. Like all the dialogues and all the thinking stuff. And it’s a Jude Law movie. And it is so cosy and although they all play in another class, it really helps to see all the crying and sadness and then the … no, I won’t tell, of course. In case, you haven’t seen this film yet.  For me, it is a definite Christmas movie.

But, of course, in my case, I could watch this movie all year long, and probably for a very long time, because I will always suffer from heartache, what love is concerned. Sadly. animierte-weihnachtsbaum-bilder-115

Merry Christmas to you all.

Poltergeist… or something or other

Again, this week, or better, last week, there was a poltergeist activity. Before that, also, some weeks ago. In general, something lightweight is flying off a shelf while I stand in the complete other part of the room, far from the shelf. Mostly with a big “baangg”, a very loud noise, because it happens so fast. Once, I took a bath and behind me a tin with foam in it flew off the shelve, it now has a bump in it. I was all alone. This time, a soap bottle, empty but anyway, flew again off a shelf behind me to the floor and it was with a lot of action, very loud, while I was talking to my mother.  We had these things some times, but I never thought much about it. Although I know it is weird. I never took notice. But now, it is getting  weirder and weirder.   flederm_06

Did not Alice say that? I also had a white rabbit once.   All so spooky!

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And I know, I am in a lot of distress right now, and apart from  when I took the bath, where I was very relaxed, I was in some anger or at least very excited about something…