Aufnahmeverweigerung

Ich wollte heute was aufnehmen. Vom Fernseher. Naja, was im Fernsehen lief.

Ich drücke auf den Aufnahmeknopf, der Film lief schon eine Weile. Ich teste dann immer, ob es noch aufnimmt. Diesmal war kein Platz mehr auf der Festplatte.

Der Fernseher so in Text zu mir: ” Aufnahme beendet. Kein Platz mehr.”

Der Fritze im Fernsehen, der den Arzt spielte, in der selben Sekunde zum anderen Protagonisten: ” Es tut mir leid, aber wir können jetzt nichts anderes mehr tun als warten. Es tut mir wirklich sehr leid.” …

Noch Fragen? Ich weiß ich weiß, man nennt das auch Situtionskomik. Ich aber nenne es ganz einfach “Aufnahmeverweigerung”.

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a year in the dark and out she comes all changed…

It is interesting how a year in the dark, in full pain, can change you to the fullest, to be a totally different person… I am listening to “La Fete Triste: Giant”, and yes this is how I feel, all dark and in a totally different place. Nobody knows me anymore, people from earlier don’t recognize me anymore (my personality that is), and I want to go away from earlier times anyway as far as possible, until I see them no more….

I am dark now and I like it all black and I am black in my heart. As I am dead and all death around me. But of course there is a romantic side as well to all the black things.                                I am so in love and I will always be in love one way or the other, until I am really dead. Only, that the men won’t be in love with me, this is such a bad story altogether.

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What is society?

So, after all, is society those, who attended university? If so, I don’t belong to society, since I wasn’t going to a university. Because people stopped me from doing it because they were just not interested in me (as an Afro-German woman) doing what they did.

 

I hate society.

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Frühlingsabende

Es gibt doch nichts schöneres, als die Dämmerung, wenn  winzige Flugzeuge einen hellblauen Himmel voller seichter Sterne durchschneiden, einen weißen Schweif hinter sich her ziehend, während von unten die schwarze Dunkelheit in die rötliche Höhe wächst, die sich langsam zurückzieht, auf einen erneuten Morgen wartend.

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Ach, der Frühling.

I want…. so many things

I want so many things, but feel so far away from it.

I want to be goth. I want to be all in black. I want to be in romantic situations. I want to listen to good music all day. I want to feel dark all day. I want to look a certain way (okay, I mentioned that earlier). I want to have a pet. I want to be somewhere else. I want America back to normal. I want an unormal life (well, it might already be it). I want to be alone (I am alone already…). I want to feel blue. I want to be happy at the same time. I want a flat. I want to be accepted by someone (whoever that is…). I want to have a boyfriend (or even a partner…) that treats me well. I want to have smaller feet. I want to have dark clothes all along and only. I want to change into someone else because I hate myself. I want so many things. I want to be dead. Wait – I already am.  Death is my boyfriend and my best friend, death is always with me, like my dead child will always be with me, as is my dead ex-boyfriend. In a dream, I once did fight fiercely  with someone (death?), and there was this red door behind us, and he mentioned whenever someone would fall into that door, he or she would never be able to come back… we did fight and fight, and I managed like through a miracle to not fall through this door. It was close though. (wasn’t that a good one…?)

I want to be in love. I want to long for people but I am not. Yes I am so dark, sorry.

I always fall in love with younger guys, because they are so much into life more than older guys, who mostly are kind of boring to some extend. Mostly those I fall in love with are vampires though. Funny really. And I can’t stop being awake at night. Maybe that is one reason… Or it is because my father is younger than my mother… either way, I am lonely anyway and the only thing I know for sure is, that I am dead. So dead.

Just don’t take this too seriously. I am crazy, I know, but also, I never wanted to be boring and normal. It was a decision, not a sickness or a result from a terrible life. I was dead when I was born and I simply went on being dead, not there for the people around me, meaning as much as a dead person and not counting. But hey – that’s life, isn’t it???

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Bilanz…

Mein ganzes Leben war ein einziges rastloses Suchen nach Liebe. Die mir immer verwehrt wurde. Jetzt bin ich ein Zombie.

Zu nichts mehr fähig, und die Welt findet ohne mich statt. Da draußen, wo ich nicht mehr hingehe. Wo ich nicht mehr existiere. Viele haben mich vergessen, ganz sicher. Vielen war ich eh immer egal. Und den meisten bin ich auf die Nerven gegangen. Viele haben sich an meiner Existenz sogar gestört. Ich tat dann so, als lebte ich….

Jetzt schweige ich. Jetzt ruhe ich. Jetzt verstecke ich mich. Jetzt tue ich ihnen diesen Gefallen. Ein Zombie in der Nacht. Der tatsächlich eigentlich nicht mehr da ist. Ich tue nur so…

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Privileged or not?

The most important word in the world is “privilege”.

Did you have it or did you not? Well, I can say ” I did not”.

I have just had so much privilege as the most “filthy” thieve from a slum, funny that I thought I could have reached anything any time in my life. So funny.

I always think, why do I have a laptop or a tv or anything at all. Well, it means nothing, and will never mean anything. Because it leads to nothing. Well, the rich who read this will roll their beautiful eyes and purse their  (made) lips obviously. Yeah, I am used to this behavior.

Boring, she always says these things…. this stupid person. I sometimes wonder, if I had done anything different at some point in my life, or did not do what I did at some important point in my life (or even at an unimportant point), might it have made a difference? Would I be at a worthwhile point in my life now? I still think my life was not worth it.

Maybe I should have wished differently. So something else might have been the outcome… I just wished for the wrong things. Damn.

The only things I wish for today is some jewelry and some blinking stuff. Because it can sooth you up and help to illusion me over a so terrible world and about my lost hope in life… b7bff97e181c5eaeb98edee30bfaf809mystical_302 And still, it will be not a privileged jewelry. I am just playing with stuff, making my own jewelry, but it won’t be seen by anyone since I don’t leave the house anymore, well, that is the price I pay for this life I had. I just thought, while I can’t afford any expensive stuff, I will make my own things, at least I have the time for it…

We all know it’s all about the blinking stuff in life. Although I couldn’t feel less than a princess than I do… mondbild