I have to apologize too… I believe


Well,  I apologize.  Although that might not be enough. I know that.

It might have been amicable, yes, I am not sure, anyhow that does not change things and I am not angry (anymore). I never was, more like… not sure.

I just wish I had a memory to what happened really. It is sad, that I can’t remember what happened, I am fighting with my memory but it will not come back. There are just some pictures from dreams,  with fancy surroundings and flats and expensive furniture and so on, and some people in it too, but who can say if they are real… ?

No it’s all gone.. at least for the time being.

Probably I am simply too afraid of anything in life… and I don’t believe in myself at all… so it is my fault and  I overreacted in the end. Or something like that. It’s too long ago to say… I really feel sorry.  Of course not for… well… that it happened? I am simply not sure…





I can’t follow

Quoting from the book “The wife of the time traveler”:

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity.  Each moment is slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I can’t follow?


I am so confused. I am waiting and I know that is downright stupid and dangerous…

I can’t let it go…

The thing is years ago, it should not effect me anymore, but it does. I can’t put it aside, that is right now, it is in my mind constantly. Well, constantly since I saw this new series “Sneaky Pete” on Amazon (which is that I am late again, like always, but anyway…)…

I watched it three times and finally, I got it all, the first time was too much and too difficult with the language I guess, but then, the second time, I understood better and also all the action came better to me, because it really is complicated and only after watching it several times one can understand the real thing it is all about.

I talk in a mixture of English and German again, because I am diving into it so much, haha, like always, and I can’t find every German word I need, which makes it really difficult to understand me really, at least for my mother, who barely speaks a word of English…

There is still this feeling that I have some familiarity to a certain person, but I can’t explain why, to myself. And how this can be. I mean, it is not that I don’t know certain actors, since I watch a lot of movies, but it goes beyond this and I don’t get it.  I mean this feeling when someone for example lost his memory and then meets someone he “never” met but feels like, wow, I “know” this person, have seen him or simply, was with this person in some manner, don’t really know how to explain exactly. It is probably just a mix up, or my mind is kind of, well, rambled up. Or something or other… I just don’t know. (This is almost funny, but only nearly…)

I just can’t let it go. Especially, because there was one sentence, in the last episode, spoken by Bryan Cranston: ‘And then, my mind slowed down’…  Or something like that.

Well, I remember writing this in a blog of mine, several years ago (well, in German but anyhow), “Und dann merkte ich, wie alles langsamer wurde in mir…” and this was about the incident… But, this happens so often, lines that are spoken in movies fit into my life so easily, that it’s spooky.

Maybe I feel like I can’t do things without being observed in some way, and that makes me feel insane, or at least scared to some extend. I know it might be stupid to write about that in public but probably nobody will get this anyway. So, it might not matter at all. But I got it off my chest. And I know as well, that I did tell too much already, because… well, I think everybody can imagine why, especially those who know my blog. But I am not scared and will always tell my mind and my opinion on things. Which I will allow as well to every other human, because this is what this world is about: to be human being.


Shadows of the past

Well… it is kind of spooky, when your brain is filling the blanks with pictures, that you can’t even understand, with colorful parts of something active. Things that I can’t really explain myself… like the picture of a rape in a carpeted hallway, or these other weird pictures of spooky undeclarable scenes of me and also someone else in a fancy room, well, there are some.

It is like, coming out of the fog and dragging something out to light, which you didn’t even knew existed. You look at someone, and it strikes you: something about him is known to you, but you can’t understand what exactly…

I still know there was something happening, but it is so gone, hidden in the deepest part of my memory, but there are certain triggers which drag it out into the light, I am sure this will go on, until all the blanks are full. Although, many hours are just vanished into thin air, unable to be restored.

It is just a thin, unexplainable feeling. But I can’t deny it either. And I am sure also, that I am not the only one…