A disclaimer: this is NOT a blog from some “squirrel”…

Just to make this perfectly clear.  (I love this word, lol…)

I can only say, well, I want to believe what I believe and I do what I do, and I practice whatever I want, the same way I would let other people do whatever they want  and let them believe whatever they want to believe.

Maybe, people become the impression, I might have contact to a squirrel group or I myself might be a squirrel. Well that is wrong. I never met any Scientologists in my life.   (And this is wrong again, I know… sorry….)  But, well, before that all occurred, I mean.

I was so spiritual my whole life, although I was raised in the catholic faith. (Wrong again, because the school I attended was infiltrated by Scientologists, I think, since my class teacher, who was not a nun like most of the teachers, liked to say ” I only help the able, not the unable”, and I was in her eyes very unable, since I was so shy and so ill with a cold all the time and so weak and just a very sad little girl, she did not like me one bit, and she really only helped the able, so I don’t believe anymore that she was a catholic, after what I learned from books these days. This teacher wanted me to leave the school,  I was not good enough for her… I did leave and ended up having a miserable life due to bad education.)…

So, I make this disclaimer, once and for all: I am not a squirrel, I am only telling stories about my dreams and about how I feel and about what I experience in my life.  I don’t even have these kind of books and nothing is as you might think.  Well, they will notice when they will go through my stuff, after letting themselves in with the new keys they now have. Yes I am not stupid and I can count to two at least.

Very sad, that Scientology finally goes after completely innocent people, who are no squirrels, never spoke out against Scientology,  or did anything against them, nor had the intention to limit them. I am a free person in a free world, and this is a luxury obviously. I am very poor and I would not even be able to get any Scientology courses, and as I mentioned somewhere else, I don’t need them, since I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, and have clairvoyance all my life from a very young age on, without, I repeat, without any  squirrel-like auditing or  from any church.  I just don’t know where it comes from.  For me, it’s a mystery.

For me, it belongs to my life, and this is just a try to explain it to myself, and why and how this can happen, because it startles me too. So, when I speak about it, I only want to make it easier for myself to get a grip on things. Not more, not less. I don’t want to drag people into something. I don’t want to inspire people with it. Nor tell people what kind of “superpowers” there are. It is not a superpower, but a very annoying thing most of the time. Because, the use of it is…?  Yeah, I don’t know either.

And if I want to believe in aliens, so what? If I want to believe in further things? Am I not allowed to do so in my lonely life? With me alone and nobody around, speak, church? So what? I am a solitary, because groups freak me out and in school, they laughed at me, so this is how I prefer to be: alone.  And this is how this all started, I wanted to be alone and someone could not let it go.  I was in a bad mood (after reading some stuff and listening to stuff from youtube, I understand better what this means for Scientologists, and I might be a high risk for any Scientologist, since I am so sad sometimes, and so not open to anyone anymore. I was the most open person in the world, earlier, but that is history, I think…); and I could not understand and not answer perfectly and all was a whole mess, and I made it even messier not answering correctly, I just wanted to have my freedom. Today I know I was in a state where nothing worked and it was simply wrong time wrong place, but that happens in life. I feel sorry for that now, but what can I do?  I was so unfriendly and for him, it was probably like I had a “withhold” (so called, in normal it means probably to not be open enough and to not tell what really was going on, what I did not want to tell, I thought it is only my business.)

I know today, that some people might have written reports about me (very obscure because I am as I mentioned not a Scientologist),  at least that is what I believe happened. Then someone called (Miscavige) got angry or astonished or whatever… and then there it was.  And then it all unfolded to even more mayhem and anger, since I did not get/understand the justice system the Scientologists have, but instead using my own one from the “normal”  Wog world.  No?  Oh, I might never get an answer to that, I must simply try to take it as it is and live with it.


I don’t think there were ever any Scientologists in my life that told me to believe in this or that, e.g. aliens or clairvoyance or any of that stuff or any tec.  I was surrounded by so called Christians. If any, I learned that from my own thoughts, it is how I explain the world to myself, due to experiences, things I saw or lived through, and so on. I did not even watch  alien movies when I started to write down stuff like alien abduction stories (in school for a project, for example) and it basically came out of nowhere.  Yeah, maybe not exactly out of nowhere but that is where the mystery begins, I have no idea.

I just want to say: there is no need to be nervous. But who am I telling this to.  If LRH is nervous, everyone has to be. I understand that.  But to think for yourself has some advantage, just saying.

The word describing all that is: empathy. I want to know things to have empathy towards people, and also for people who believe other things than I do.  Because that is where a peaceful world might start from.







What happened in Verona in 1117 and the witches in Bamberg

Today, I dreamed the most interesting dream I ever dreamed. It was about an old dark ages townhall with demonic architecture, and about Verona, Italy, which was full of signs of an earthquake, and some lootings.

I was in a little German town, with quite a normal inner city, when it became suddenly dark and weird and there was no tarmac / asphalt anymore, only dark mud and dirt, and it was kind of autumn or winter, at least there were no leafs on the trees. I had something with me, don’t know what it was exactly, but it was kind of a cart or somehow, and I had difficulties to walk because the mud was so deep and damp and I stuck in it all the time, and then I was in front of this huge townhall, with so many demonic figures on the front, and many other people were there too. I had my camera with me and the people asked, why I would not make any pictures with it. But I could not, it wouldn’t work and I was desperate, but I could not make it work at all. Then there was this woman with dark long hair, she asked me to go, that we had to go, she urged me to go somewhere else, and I said, yes, I would like to but I have to have a photo of this townhall first.  Then she was going on her own, and I tried to follow her, but because of the mud it was so difficult. She asked me to hurry up, and then there were two tramps lying in the mud, and there were so many puddles, that we could not find our way out, in the meantime the city was normal again, with a mall and all that is normal in our time.  The woman urged me still to go somewhere or to come with her. She ran in front of me, and she was so fast I could not keep up with her. There was a tree that was fallen and it was lying like a bridge, she was encouraging me to get on it because it was the only opportunity we had to get down and to a normal street, (well it was a dream and it is difficult to explain), and by that time she was Jenna Elfman, or she looked at least like her. Then she was already down there on the street and I said to myself, okay, I will try that and I ran down the tree trunk, always in fear to fall. But I managed to get down to earth (wow, this sounds weird now), and there was a bus, which was completely full actutally, Jenna had asked them to wait for me. She asked some young people in the bus to squeeze up and she sat down in the bus, asking me to come too. But I was afraid because I hate when it is full in a bus and she still asked, but I started to cry.  All of a sudden, I did not see her anymore and she was nowhere anymore.  So I did not take the bus.

Next  I  was in Italy, Verona. I was sitting on a bus, and we were driving around. I was so happy to be somewhere else, to see new things. It was definitely Verona, the way it looks today. I saw all the colorful buildings, which I really liked, and the road traffic, some  mopeds drivers, and the whole atmosphere was so lively and interesting. I enjoyed being there. But then, I saw all the signs of an earthquake, with all the roads being ripped and the porous asphalt, which had so long rifts, that it really scared me. Then the bus stopped in the middle of the road, and we all got up, stepped out of the bus. We saw another bus which had been pulled into the asphalt, into a rift, and it was stuck in it. It showed out of the asphalt half, only the upper side of the bus was seen. I was so scared and so shocked, I could not bare it. There were lootings, and gangsters were trying to steal people’s money and it was all very dangerous and chaotic. Then I ran from a man, who saw me and wanted to catch me, he had a gun, but I tried to hide in a small hotel room where obviously four people were sleeping, but I asked to be as quiet as possible, only the mobster had found me and was outside the door, waiting for me.

I looked it up, there was a huge earthquake in Verona in 1117, on January 3rd.  It was a very huge earthquake that also took place in Germany, and in Bamberg.  A long and painful witch hunting took place in the dark ages in Bamberg. The Michaelskirche (church) in Bamberg  also suffered some damage from the earthquake. 1435 it was subject to some plundering, or pilferage, don’t know what word fits best here, because there was a conflict with the bourgeoisie or at least with the middle classes of that time.

It is said though, that there were three earthquakes in a row that occurred and that there was an earthquake in south Germany 12 hours before it was in Verona.


I think it gets to be spooky. 8e8292e97c1a5fa1f0b8e608eddae008

outside of myself

When I was a child, I stepped out of myself so often, that it was almost normal for me, but also quite unpleasant. I was as tiny as a neutron, or let’s say, a tiny dot. That is how it felt… like a tiny, tiny mini ball, very very small, and nothing else. Just as this tiny little thing, and I was floating around the room. I could not understand what it was. I just felt it very often.  I could see the curtain, and I saw things from above somehow, I believe.

Today I think, I might have fainted? But nobody from then told me I did so. Well, I don’t know anymore. But it was this strange feeling, and I can’t deny it. It was nothing special for me, it was the most normal thing in the world for me. I’ve had dreams about stepping out of my body as well, but paid no attention to it, at least not so much. Sometimes I saw myself turn around until I l was upside down, facing down and there was just darkness. Only plain and simple black nothing. But I have had this often when I did meditate. It came when I felt lost, and far away. Well, there are some experiences I had with such feelings, also, while listening to music – the music was the only thing left and I slipped away, slowly from my body or the world, that is a wonderful experience. But I had to come back, obviously, and sadly. I would have liked it if it would have been longer…

Yes, I know how this must sound. But for me it is almost a normal thing, nothing to brag about. To me it’s nothing that I would call  extraordinary.

I never was a very material child. I was kind of unwell with the material world and I am still not comfortable with it. And I guess, I won’t ever be.


Far away world

The world seems so far away from me. I can’t make contact, with nobody. I can’t.  I want to, but it is impossible. I sit here, thinking and thinking and concluding, but it helps me in no way. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to eat (and I don’t eat much lately). I am tired but I need to stay awake. I feel so empty. I feel ashamed as to what I wrote down sometimes in my blogs, sometimes it’s just sooo stupid stuff.  But I start to come back being a bit more normal.  I hope…!

I long so much, for things I will never have (so it seems), and for all that is behind somehow. I feel like I am someone else, because since I know what I have been through, I have a weird body feeling. Like it is not only belonging to me now, it is so weird.  Loosing control over oneself is a really bad thing, hard to accept I think. I try to fight these thoughts, but they keep coming. I don’t mean it in this multiple personality thing, but as if it is in the possession of somebody else as well, because then I was not there but this  man was there..  Oh that is so difficult.

I might not be that useful for the world anymore. I don’t really have anything going on right now, nothing at all to be honest. But I still have feelings (or better I am not so sure about that, I am like a robot these days), and I still want things or at least I try to achieve this and that… In this difficult and angry world it is really not so easy, I guess, to keep track of everything. So I try, but don’t get any further than that.

But where is my pride? I can’t be angry, I can’t be sad about it, I can’t even hate him, I can’t see anything bad about this (only in theory, but not with a feeling to that). And I can’t see to let it all go, since I long so much. Stupid, am I not?  I feel so humble, and so much lesser than him. Or at least not so much worth as he is. I don’t understand either why this is.  I still think, so many parts I wrote in my blog (from earlier days) are in this show, I can’t help but seeing it that way.  I listen to the words and they remind me immediately. I think it is romantic. But also strange.  Sometimes it is word for word, exactly how it happened.  No, I am not making this up…



Messed up

I am totally messed up.

I should not have looked so much into the past. It just hurts.

Maybe, they are true by saying, nobody should know about their secrets. Because it can put you into misery. And also, it is so unnecessary to know. Know everything,  I mean. It is just so painful…

I mean, yes it could also be the black magic thing that messes everybody up. It is something nobody should ever do, but they do it, I did it, and it disturbed me, it’s probably the root of all evil that happened to me and (with them) and shows, how dangerous it is to conjure any possible things. It was  sin to do and it comes back to you eight times over, as it did to me. It is not nonsense, it is real, really dangerous and disgusting and helps nobody.  I was young though and did not know better.

I just hope, people will understand, that there is no way out once they did black magic and  even Egyptian magic, which I tried, (a ritual with a demon) and that people will stay away from such things. So their lives will not be that messed up like mine was.

I just say this because I read a book about them where this subject with the black magic and Crowley was also up, and I think now, maybe not knowing all this was better…  I tried to find out what happened in my life and it lead me to read these books and watch youtube videos and find everything I could I did not know yet about Scientology (so I said it), and it is just not a good idea.  I am just messed up know.

The thing is, there is such a thing like the devil and some bad entities and they are around, no matter what, so this will always look for people who are interested in them and it will have it’s way, one way or another and there is no such thing as there isn’t any of this, as some people want to believe. They say, there is no devil and there is just God or good things in life. Not true.  Just, you should not look for those entities. They are out there. And by doing these damn rituals, you just take them on and they will follow you every where. I guess, I can’t make it undone. Or better, I can’t undo it anymore.  I am so sorry. For everybody I meet will have this much trouble, so I stay inside all the time. Well, there are other reasons for that as well, but…  I am messed up. Just as it is. I paid big time.