Messed up

I am totally messed up.

I should not have looked so much into the past. It just hurts.

Maybe, they are true by saying, nobody should know about their secrets. Because it can put you into misery. And also, it is so unnecessary to know. Know everything,  I mean. It is just so painful…

I mean, yes it could also be the black magic thing that messes everybody up. It is something nobody should ever do, but they do it, I did it, and it disturbed me, it’s probably the root of all evil that happened to me and (with them) and shows, how dangerous it is to conjure any possible things. It was  sin to do and it comes back to you eight times over, as it did to me. It is not nonsense, it is real, really dangerous and disgusting and helps nobody.  I was young though and did not know better.

I just hope, people will understand, that there is no way out once they did black magic and  even Egyptian magic, which I tried, (a ritual with a demon) and that people will stay away from such things. So their lives will not be that messed up like mine was.

I just say this because I read a book about them where this subject with the black magic and Crowley was also up, and I think now, maybe not knowing all this was better…  I tried to find out what happened in my life and it lead me to read these books and watch youtube videos and find everything I could I did not know yet about Scientology (so I said it), and it is just not a good idea.  I am just messed up know.

The thing is, there is such a thing like the devil and some bad entities and they are around, no matter what, so this will always look for people who are interested in them and it will have it’s way, one way or another and there is no such thing as there isn’t any of this, as some people want to believe. They say, there is no devil and there is just God or good things in life. Not true.  Just, you should not look for those entities. They are out there. And by doing these damn rituals, you just take them on and they will follow you every where. I guess, I can’t make it undone. Or better, I can’t undo it anymore.  I am so sorry. For everybody I meet will have this much trouble, so I stay inside all the time. Well, there are other reasons for that as well, but…  I am messed up. Just as it is. I paid big time.

The therapy group

And now I also get, why in one of my dreams I was in a “therapy group”, and why the people yelled at me and isolated me while we sat in a room without  any windows and they insulted me, by saying I would stink, they obviously smelled my perfume on me… (hence, they are not allowed to use perfume)… They must have been Sea Org Members or Staff.  So obvious.

I lost most of my memory of course. It was simply  gone. Until now.

But, it is kind of weird, because nothing bad came of it, he is so nice to me… ? I’d still be loyal to him and would probably do what he says, whatever he wants me to do or feel, I think that sounds really like I have been programmed perhaps, but that is how I feel towards him.  It still confuses me. Because what he is concerned, I can’t get angry at him or hate him or anything like that.  Although he probably did what he did.   It is all so weird.  At least it seems so quiet, except for the people that were photographing my street and all that weird stuff going on (not much though). I have this strange feeling of weirdness and being observed, but I try not to let it get  to me. Maybe they would even say, well, she lost her wits and she does not know what she says. Of course they would. But I know who I am and I know how to read my dreams and my own way/state, so I know it can’t be a scam that I just made up. Yes, the incident happened, at least the question and talk part, which was gruesome intense and he would not budge an inch from his questions, I never experienced that before.  I feel like I am trapped in thinking about it, therefore I wanted to distract myself with drawing and so on. But it doesn’t really help yet.

I would still call it a trauma, no matter how much “fun” I might have had (sure, I don’t know that, I wasn’t really “on board”… only my body was, I might have been drugged.) There was even this dream where I got something from him (a good looking guy with a cap on), some sweets or so and I was fending it off but he would not budge but give it to me. I paid no attention to that sequence since I did not understand or attached it to anything. But I guess, everything will return to me eventually. Or at least the most important things. I hope so.

And the blue eyes? Well, I think that is not a mystery either anymore.



I know Saint Hill Manor???

So. I think about a lot of stuff, lately. And in my whole life. (Wanted to write: hole life, which might apply too…)

So how can it be, that I dream of a woman, that really exists in the real world and I can describe her exactly the way she looks and behaves??? Because that is what happened. Although I never met her,  I dreamed of her (and other things like hills, green lands, horses and a big house with windows from the bottom to the top of the building) She even wears the clothes I describe in that dream.

It goes like this: “There was a filly that changed into an old, odd woman all of a sudden, she was pale, had short blond hair, was wearing a beige-brown jacket, and her eyes were pale blue… She came to me and grumbled at me, this is not possible and that all I did was not allowed, and that it was an outrage, and all that stuff.”

There were many wild horses and ponies in that dream that were out of control and also many foals and fillies, and also at least one German actor. I won’t go into the whole dream.

I watched a youtube video of a protest at the IAS Event, in 2014,  that was held at Saint Hill Manor, and well, this woman is on this video. She worked for them, obviously and behaved exactly the way I saw it in my dream, or better, I experienced it in the dream.  That must also be the reason why I copied it to my brain, it must have been a shocking experience for me.

I am not sure what it means. It is obvious though. I thought, I know this woman, but dismissed it immediately because how could I possibly know her or ever have met her.  But —— of course —– it is clear what it means. Just it does not want to come to me as real, it is kind of shocking to me. Of course I know what it means. Of course I know, that this is real. But somehow it is crazy at the same time.

I must have been there.  In the real world, that is called “kidnapping”. But what the heck. It is what it is. Shocking.  And now, look at this: the incident happened on exact that day, the video was uploaded. I never watched it until last week or so.

So, the two things, my dream which I had in 2016, and the event or at least the video, don’t come across each other, don’t belong to each other, but obviously, there is something to it. I did not know the video. I did not know about the woman (security woman?).  I did not even know about the IAS Event until lately. I looked it up in Google. So, how on earth can that be???

The only possible answer is, that the dream was simply covering the truth, and I was there at some time, short time perhaps, and I saw her there. What else could it be. It is not a mystery at all, it is simply an answer to my questions which can’t be put aside. Honestly.

The answer is: I was kidnapped and must have been at Saint Hill.

I still have to swallow it.  It took me three whole years to learn the truth, to see what really happened…  Of course there have been more dreams that add up to the whole story, but it is a lot and would take too long to explain.  But to come to a conclusion, I must say, hence the two days I confused with in my memory, and the point, that I can’t have made all that in time which I did that day allegedly. I’ve been doing all the math  and it just doesn’t add up to it. I even looked up how the weather was at that day, or these two days, which is conclusive with my memory and with the photographs  I made that day.   It was only then that I found out, the days don’t match, I was not back at the day the pictures were made?  It is so unbelievable and no explanation wants to fit completely, but this is all I can make out of it.

So, my heart can’t grab it yet, and I still think, never ever would anyone and especially him do this. But yet they can. sp_a0518

I just hope so much, it wasn’t to make another moonchild.  No, just kidding.

Oh help me lord. I am loosing my wits here. No, it is all as I say. I swear to the bible and the “American  book of amendments”. And to everything else there is. 😉



drawing without a desk…

Back to “creativity” again. Only, not so much.  It’s a bit difficult to work without a desk.   Without anything to do is as worse as it can get. I need something to do.  Also, to get me distracted from my thoughts and my past events – it’s just essential. Or I will fall. Into a deep and dark space.

Plus, I need to express my pain. Other than that, I don’t know.  I am so confused.



I was 11 years old all over again

You might think, there isn’t such a thing like time-traveling. But there is. When you go through the same thing again, which shocked you then, it can shock you that much in the present moment, that, all of a sudden, you are back in time and going through the same package of emotion and stress again.

That happened to me. So, afterwards, I acted the same way I did when I was 11 years old at the incident. Same thing, same action. All over again.

Today I feel ashamed I acted like a 11-year-old. But I could not know better…

Today I understand better, or yet I believe so, what drove the “incident” to happen, I guess I can say that I am not angry anymore the way I was, but it is so much shame in me, over all this. I am a grown woman and I did not act that way. I feel sorry for that, but my life was so messed up at that time and I was a piece of nothing… a real nothing and full of resentment and no-say. I wanted just quiet and lonely, and could not work with anything, but with nothing, because that was what I needed. I wasn’t at a place where anything could have happened. Or, no, that is not true either. But I was not ready for this really, I lied to myself strictly and caused just the more pain to myself through that behavior. It was a lie that lasted at least 5 long years, and I was a mess.

I wish I could go back and do everything just a little bit different. Be in a different (better) state, have more understanding and more like, well my own real self with me.  But that is impossible. I passed up this very special moment and made it into something weird, but I am not so sure if that was under my control at all because I wasn’t alone, was I? So, there is only this one version of the incident, or am I wrong?  If not, I would like to hear/read  the other version, so much…

You could even say I am grateful today, because I understand (perhaps) the reason and why it was necessary (although….) in the first place. Only, I suffer a little bit of amnesia, from that moment on, and probably nothing will come back (some of it has in my dreams, though). Or maybe I am completely wrong here and it was all just a coincidence, me overreacting here and also then. But what is for sure is that I became to be an 11-year-old again and that was the only thing I know, and if there was anything more going on or not, I know I was not myself from that moment on. Either hypnotized, or even under the influence of fear, or the stupid thought of suffering, or even under some influence of substance, from that moment on I can’t tell anymore. I wish I could…

From the “code language” on some shows though, I can read some stuff out of it. Some I do understand, some I don’t. Or some is just delusional something for me, which I want to make something out of.

But I guess, I understood quite right. broken_heart I can’t even be cross with… It just doesn’t seem right. I wasn’t okay with it, but I forgive and I hope so much he forgives me to for my behavior. I was so naive…