Like a sting from a scorpion

A story

Chapter one, written on September 12, 2017

She felt like she was stung by a scorpion, his sting hurt like seven million stings and not like just one. She sat in her room and her thoughts ran wild, because she couldn’t get a grip on his language he used, and she tried so hard to understand what he was saying to her. It wasn’t easy for her to get it because she was far away from him, and there wasn’t a possibility to change that so soon, or at all. She listened to some music, but that did not help her either. The sun shone into her room and passed away from moment to moment to come back every now and then, and the clouds were wild and big, flying over the sky that was grey from one moment to another.  The only sound came from the trees, shaking their heads so strong.  She felt lonely.  It was cold, and the leafs fell from the trees faster than they did over the summer, summer was over and it was so clear to her.  She stepped back from the window, and sat at her desk, reading his mails, and it was difficult for her – difficult to take it. Because he was hard with his words, and she knew she wasn’t the only one for him.  It was obvious from his language.  And this house was his, and she did not have much time left to stay,  but she had no clue where to go.

She stopped the cassette player, because she needed some quietness. It was her old walkman from older times, she did hold on to it for so long, since she needed some things to stay the same. The most time she spent alone, and old things from earlier gave her the feeling of some reassurance, and music brought to her some kind of surrounding, like a bed, that made her feel cozy. Quietness was also good, but she could only stand it for a while. The loneliness she was in was profound, except her housemaid who only came two times over the week, she never saw anyone. Her shyness was profound too though. So, she had caged herself in, in the deepest maze of loneliness that there could ever be. And she knew it. She couldn’t help it. It would stay that way for a long time, for sure.

In her head were pictures from a past she couldn’t endure, pictures from him and her, from people and wolves and wild animals, from screams and things she could not understand, several pictures as layers that surfaced and then fell back into darkness. She couldn’t control the pictures, and sometimes she thought, it must end, eventually. But it didn’t. They were stronger than her. She thought, it must be an illusion, but it wasn’t, and it was clear to her. It was all real and she had to come to terms with her reality. The last year was especially hard for her and all that had happened tortured her in her mind. She had no one to talk to. But, it would have been dangerous too, so she kept silent. She also did this for him.

He meant everything for her, although she knew that this was stupid. He wasn’t always nice to her. He was playing a game with her. She knew that. But his eyes were always so treacherously cosy and warm, and so full of hypnosis. It killed her thought of getting away every time she looked into them. Well, now, she could not look at him, only at his pictures, but she dared not to. He was somewhere else and he did not tell her where. She was alone.

The world kind of vanished on her. Sometimes she just sat there, starring onto the walls, or out of the window, thinking. Or just plain watching the colors,  the trees and the squirrels running around, or the cats from the neighbor’s house striving around her house. It was quite rare that a walker came by, mostly this place was just nature and animals, which she preferred. She still suffered from jetleg,  which meant she was mostly up at night and slept during the day, her time at the moment was the New York time, and this was his time also. It happened to her from time to time, that she took on the time system of people she was interacting with intensively, and he was surely in her mind intensively. But she wished of course he wasn’t. This was one of those things that she did not have any control over.  She just waited out on it, until it would normalize.

Then there were these disturbing text messages from her ex-boyfriend. She mostly read over them and put the phone away unnerved. She did not dare to answer, because it was always the same stupid nonsense. She hadn’t talked to him since a year. And she felt no desire to do so.  He had been abusive and had screamed at her almost each day, something she loathed and she hated him for that.

It was late and she went up to her bedroom to change.  She went out for a walk, through the still mostly green scenery, and pulled her jacket near to her, letting her tears flow. She took some deep breath and the air tasted so sweet and like freedom, but she was happy not to meet anyone during her lonely walk.

When she came back, a letter from her ex-boyfriend was in the letter-box. It read: “Please, we must meet, come to my place, address, I hope you will come, I really need to talk to you, love, C”.

Again she took a deep breath. Why on earth did C. think, that she would come to see him, after all that happened? Was this a trap? Or was he just simply completely  out of his mind? She ran into the bathroom to throw some water in her face, and the mirror showed a fully confused, ugly, boring, and non-conform woman, that had changed so much over the years, that she simply couldn’t take the thought to go see him again… It was clear, that she could not talk to anyone. Not anymore. She was in a cage. It was because she did not want to talk to people, about whatever. But she also couldn’t, because she had some kind of blocking software in her head. It was there, the key, but she could not reach it. Maybe, she thought, HE did this to me, he maybe brainwashed me, blocked me from the world.  She looked into the mirror, into her eyes. They were dazed, seemed to look from so far away through her own self, as if she wasn’t there.  She turned off the lights and went to bed. The walk had made her tired, and she took it as an opportunity to sleep. But her eyes were open for a long time, and she took the steps and sat down in front of her laptop and started to read his poetic and disturbing mails, all over again.

 

 

 

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Oceanic selkie thoughts

I am still awake all night and going to bed during dawn. I did not hear the owl screaming it’s tu-whit tu-whoo this night, which is normally calming me down. The owls make the night so loud and also so spooky, but they work at night just like me. So I love them.    I hope to hear them the next night again…

I must end my addiction, which is thinking of him.  It is so boring since I know all of what I need to know and yet I can’t stop reflecting on my memories and this one man. Who is still a bit in the fog for me, but I was blind the last three years, so this has to end…  I do not want to stay blind (although it feels like I become blind kind of),  I want to see clearly after all.

Compared to being at see, my life right now is being  in between the calms, that is doldrums,  where there is no wind and no other ship in sight, there is no stream and no hope to ever end this, and I have to wait until there will be wind again.

I just found this old story I wrote earlier, a few years ago.  It was about three young people chartering a boat with a skipper and his crew, learning the hard way what it means to be on sea and how to behave on a ship.  I did not have the chance to ever be on a ship or a sailing vessel, but my desire was always the ocean and nothing more and so I failed to live a life that I could possibly endure. Without water around me I don’t feel save or even good, and I realized today, that everything I do, or ever did, had as a goal to see the ocean (again),or meet people who love the ocean as much as I do.  Life is too short to not be near anything you love.

The ocean is in my system:  I am fish and cancer as zodiac signs, my second name is Thursday (well it is the translation of my name). Thursday is actually a bad name for that since seamen fear to go out to sea on a Thursday, because it brings bad luck… but it definitely is a day that has a meaning for ocean folks.  I tend to take a bath every day (I know, environment and not enough water in the world, but I can’t survive without water I believe…), and stories about the ocean make me sheer ecstatic. I have some CDs with the oceans and whales on it.

I long for the waves to rush into my ears, for the sand to crawl into my toes, for the air to send it’s salty sent into my nose, and to see the big ships and the far away horizon to blurr into one line with the ocean until there is no horizon anymore…  I guess I am just a selkie who wants back into it’s natural environment. Oh that would be wonderful…

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heartbroken: nothing was disgusting after all

I know what I said earlier was a bit harsh, and probably off.  It was not disgusting at all, the only thing that was disgusting was that everybody knew about what happened, only I didn’t, and the looks that they gave me.  I was euphoric and I talked a lot, and I am wondering how on earth I can forget that little piece of the day, but knowing everything after that… It was as if I came out of nowhere… if it wasn’t for all the signs on my body that simply had to suggest what happened, or better even indicated, I wouldn’t have known at all.  And to feel that stupid, while everyone else is in the picture, is really so mean and confusing.

I apologize if I offended someone. It wasn’t intended. But I get so angry at some parts of my memories,  still it is not justified  to speak like that. Words can be dangerous too. I get that.

I guess I am just always scared of loosing people. Since that happened so often to me. My heart is just so broken.

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