In your eyes I am fat
In your eyes I am Number two
or even number zero
In your eyes I am not a mother-to-be
In your eyes I am lazy
In your eyes I am not my better self
In your eyes I am not pretty
In your eyes I am a forgotten tool
In your eyes I am a deficit
In your eyes I am not the one
In your eyes I can’t make anything
In your eyes I am just a negative connotation
In your eyes I am so non lust-given
In your eyes I don’t suffice
In your eyes I dress wrong
In your eyes I behave ridiculously
In your eyes my grammar and all else is hilariously catastrophic
In your eyes I am a storm
In your eyes I am a nun
In your eyes I am not beautiful nor thin to the bone
In your eyes I am just wrong
Yes there will be many winter storms, and many broken branches, that is for sure.
It , might be, the only thing that is for sure. The only thing I take from here, is the feeling everything is lost, and everybody knows about it, plus there are many things coming that I don’t want, that I don’t content with, things that will break my world for ever, that will destroy everything that there could have ever been, and that this is the most painful thing ever to occur in my life (or should I say “things”, in plural??)…
But the most important thing is, that I still not understand everything, and that I am seen as so stupid among all people, well, life is not good. At least not my life…
I might be a criminal for being sad all the time, for things I can’t have, nor keep, that seem to have been a part of me a veeery long time ago, and which will expel from me further over the rest of my life, and also will I be a criminal for being so much deep in pain, for all that I had to endure, and all that I suffer right now, there is no way for love ever to be not painful in my life, I doubt this from now on… Yes this is a break-down, and it is a needed one. I won’t hide it. I will let myself fall deep, so nobody can reach me anymore…. I might drown, or whatever death there might be for me, but it is a drowning as later in a “coffin”, not as in ” later to come up fresh and free and all”, it is a real death perhaps as in just dying, as we all have to at one point in our life, it is what comes anyway. I won’t fight that anymore. No. I won’t. You won this battle, at last.
I will drown for all in a big silence, it is better than any talking, I think, there will therefor not be a misunderstanding anymore…
Yes I am bold sometimes and that unnerves every poet on the sight, but I guess I just lack patience and romance after such long torture driven time, it just comes with the territory…
I am not good at playing along. I am not good at being beside… that is just too mean in my taste… it always was. And it is not new to me. But I won’t accept it, and I can’t. I know you don’t like it. Nor will all your friends here. You will say, you are misinterpreting things, but I think I don’t. You will say, you are a kill-joy. I am, indeed… sad but true… I don’t play with kids, since I don’t have any,(?) but I don’t play at all, I only draw. I draw your attention which you hate, I draw things away from this big game… I withdraw my loudness into silence, I promise. I might always need my time, but in the end, I always take to action what I promised or once said. So I will do this time…
Actually, the action will be exactly non-action, just be silent, nothing seen of my person anymore, and I will also be blind to everything going on, I can assure you that.
I will not hear, not see and not talk, I will just draw or withdraw, whatever the situation needs.
I need silence also, just quietness and harmony so I can become perhaps, so for myself alone, a thinner person, that might be liked by everyone, just for being thin, having no flesh on my bones, and probably be slightly invisible to the world, well, it might take to long for you, but I will vanish in front of my mirror and smile to me, wow I am so thin that finally, if the world would still see me, they could probably try and love me just a bit?
But of course I know it won’t suffice, it won’t be enough whatever I do. I will ban all food from my plate, since everything is just toxic anyway, it will come up in a blog post and be around my nerves and destroy me on this way, so I can as well be starving, no food no comment, and all will be good. Sport will be a new way of destroying myself, I will try and do it as if there was no tomorrow (so what point is in it then?)
I know I seem sarcastic here but I am serious to the bone, and I will succeed in starving, I once made that when I was young, but then, nobody liked me either, so it is probably just me. I am too ugly to be loved or love anybody back, heaven forbid any kids or babies or things… or men. I know I can be a diva sometimes, I want to be a diva, but it’s only through words and eyes. Not really.
My fatness came solely through the incident which started all this, and now I am brought to justice for this fat on my body, which would not be there if there would not be a thing with small eyes, or at least a little thing… I hate my world and my life so much. I don’t care if I am a criminal. I don’t care if someone will grow without me. I wish I never knew anything, I never would have asked any questions, and I wish I would have never ever written this story.
Nobody can overcome the big water, nobody can overcome two continents, this is something forever in foreign fields, and I am lost to space forever, alone. So tell me, how am I ever to get lost of my pain? How am I ever to forget things? How am I ever to not be bitter like a lemon? I guess, I miss out on something… for example, the reality would probably more boring than any poetry, and it would not be true anyway, and else, it is not anymore, so it is no need to stick it into me with hate, or with pride, since it is not my business anymore, where another is number one, so she is set now to do all this, not me. So what is so wrong in saying “leave me alone”?
Because any more info would probably kill me right away, so I won’t ask any further questions after this one. I am hypersensitive, I don’t apologize for being so… it is just me.
How can I be so stupid any way. There is nothing true in it, there are no little ones nor has it ever been happening. My mind is simply boggled up by these whole stories on the internet. I will find my harmony back, being just on my own, in silence. Oh I just hope to wake up from this dream, that took my whole life now…