Ridiculous fears of you

Your fears are ridiculous
they present the hate
and stupidness
of all.

We are through indeed
through horror and despair
and we come to nothing
while you
still not wake up
I ask of you to wake up
if not
there won’t be a future
nor will there be our past
I think it’s time to be true
and to let love go
where it belongs
it obviously does not
belong to us.

We can’t speak
we can’t understand each other
I got that now
there is a barrier
not to be to overcome
you hate me
and show that here
I hear exactly through the rubble of words
and voices from your many
I am not stupid enough for you
I do not want this war
that you people started
I hate aggressive behaviour
as well as being ridiculed

war is upon us
but I do not fear
any of that
because you said good will win
although I do not trust you
or your many
I was always alone
and so will stand strong against you
and your many
I do not fear you
in my loneliness
inflicted on me
by you.

 

and besides: I do not know
where from this comes
that I lie (?)
I never lied to anyone
our backgrounds do not seem to compare
and what we lived through seems to be different too
your people seem to believe in lies
so they have to think I am a liar
which I am not
but suit yourself, you all
it gets to a point

where it is solely ridiculous and annoying
and I could go silent
indeed… forever.

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picking of the eye

I think of going to a surgeon
he might pick my eyes out
I think I have four
oh yes,
the riddle
is solved
then.

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The outside

I don’t attest my dreams anymore
they don’t count anymore
I don’t want to remember anymore
I drift away
the same way you and all in your group do
I think the story must go on
so I have to write on
last time we were stuck in nowhere
the story had a dead end road at the end
and I waited for you at the airport
but I did not write on
so I wait
infinitely
at the moment
and the moment followed so many other moments
like each moment
and I am stuck in this moment
where I sit in the airport bar
in a black fancy Kenzo costume
very sophisticated finally
but no sign of you….

say: can you be not hypocritical? Are you?
I wait for a world where there is no offence
where people can speak highly of each other
without hurting each other’s feelings…

but I am destroyed anyway…. so, no way it will be like that, am I right?
so here it is: I am not a mother
I was never married
I do not have recollection
beside our very first moments
I remember your smile, or your grin
I remember your intensity
I remember my fear
I remember your questions
I remember how I refused to answer
I remember you to be insistent
I remember me almost fainting from it
I remember your jacket and your jeans
I remember you asking me to speak English
I remember me thinking how good-looking you were
I remember us being alone
I remember the weather was grey
I remember me being annoyed at your repeating questions
I remember your eyes
I remember the shock moment
I remember the sea gull
I remember how I lost it then
I remember nothing from that moment on
and how everything from then on was lost…. ♥

 

Thunderstorm brain

All of a sudden
there is a thunderstorm in my brain
all thunder
and flashes
I feel like in a fluffy cloud
I am overwhelmed
don’t know with what…

 

I apologize if I can’t feel more relaxed towards everything…
It just haunts me and maybe I am wrong altogether…?
All these hints through the open world of wordpress, and me so difficult at math.
All the hints I have to take and understand, and my world falling apart, and all these
things I have to do to survive, while I have other things to worry about… I just don’t know how to do this anymore?  How does this work? All these questions I had, that were answered so severely and me tangling them again back, these worlds they created once again in my head, it is all so difficult… please forgive me, I am just too stupid for all this, or am I not?
I hurt so much because I liked it too much… it is an overflow.
I wish I could stay on earth, but that is hardly possible. My feet aren’t light, but I am off somewhere in the skies, and it is just not a good feeling at the moment, too much is on my plate. It makes me all so nervous.
I have to succeed but don’t know how, I know it is not possible for me. I have to get myself together, but also that is not possible. I have to do so much and I don’t know how.
I am exploding. Right now. Inside…
952ad83f6eb0efea63769180caed69fegenerate-phpheul315d82f8213c2e98331b26e72518b5c8aI want to travel, towards you, but that is not possible. So is not the other way round, is it? My longing is so huge and no way to reach it ever, so how should I not hurt? Tell me how not to hurt when I just now got everything and found truth but am to loose it right away? How to cope with loosing everything to another? How to cope with such facts? I am just a human being…
I want so much do what is required, but I don’t suffice, obviously…
I want to do so much right. But I seem to fail all the time.
But I lost you anyway, so what use is it for me to stay here? My love did not die for you… it died for somebody else, but that is for my jealousy, for sure… I could still die for you, though… always.  I don’t know how to survive.
I wish you all the luck in the world, always, I wish it to your family… I wish it wasn’t so painful, but it always is, and I will walk through this like I always did, and always will…  Writing can hurt so much and bring everything to a standstill, and destroy so much. So I don’t want to write anymore. I don’t want to hurt you, but I think you found love and I will quietly swim away, on my tears, what is so wrong about that…

Not everything is lost. There can always be more worlds, not just one in one life, I will find love and luck again… later perhaps, or not at all… but I will somehow get over this pain.  Eventually, and if it’s at the end of my life.  I was always alone and will get used to it by the end.

You did not want to believe me my amnesia, but that is all the truth… I never wanted to act the way I did. You probably did not wrong me, only it was the circumstances that hurt us and now they hurt again, but only me. I know you are happy and I do not want to take this away from you, only I needed to explain how I feel, it is surely the most painful story ever to happen to me, and it is all over through that and no way back, I am just at the beginning to recover from my loss, I don’t know how long it will take me…  but long for sure. It’s not your fault that my life sucks, that I can’t cope with my own life, that I am unhappy, but that comes on top of everything, and I hope to get my things together, but I don’t like to be laughed at my attempt to go on in life. I know I am less than most people in the world, less than you are, less than all those who succeed. But I will try on and on.

The tunnel

There is a big whole
I fell deep into it
now my pain
is a long tunnel
sucking
me deeper.

 point of total breakdown.

I won’t make it. I am done with everything. I don’t want anymore. I just can’t. I’m so full of nothing. Letting people go is so hard.   I will finally make it to the other side, where I can forget, where I can recover, where I can be someone new, where nothing reminds me, where nobody remembers me, where everything is just blank white, where there is the total white blur.
I just want the pain to win. I just want to cry endlessly. I just want to feel how it eats me. I just want to drown in my pain. I just want to give up.  I am done.

In your eyes

In your eyes I am fat
In your eyes I am Number two
or even number zero
In your eyes I am not a mother-to-be
In your eyes I am lazy
In your eyes I am not my better self
In your eyes I am not pretty
In your eyes I am a forgotten tool
In your eyes I am a deficit
In your eyes I am not the one
In your eyes I can’t make anything
In your eyes I am just a negative connotation
In your eyes I am so non lust-given
In your eyes I don’t suffice
In your eyes I dress wrong
In your eyes I behave ridiculously
In your eyes my grammar and all else is hilariously catastrophic
In your eyes I am a storm
In your eyes I am a nun
In your eyes I am not beautiful nor thin to the bone
In your eyes I am just wrong
so wrong
so wrong.

Yes there will be many winter storms, and many broken branches, that is for sure.
It , might be, the only thing that is for sure. The only thing I take from here, is the feeling everything is lost, and everybody knows about it, plus there are many things coming that I don’t want, that I don’t content with, things that will break my world for ever, that will destroy everything that there could have ever been, and that this is the most painful thing ever to occur in my life (or should I say “things”, in plural??)…
But the most important thing is, that I still not understand everything, and that I am seen as so stupid among all people, well, life is not good. At least not my life…
I might be a criminal for being sad all the time, for things I can’t have, nor keep, that seem to have been a part of me a veeery long time ago, and which will expel from me further over the rest of my life, and also will I be a criminal for being so much deep in pain, for all that I had to endure, and all that I suffer right now, there is no way for love ever to be not painful in my life, I doubt this from now on… Yes this is a break-down, and it is a needed one. I won’t hide it. I will let myself fall deep, so nobody can reach me anymore…. I might drown, or whatever death there might be for me, but it is a drowning as later in a “coffin”, not as in ” later to come up fresh and free and all”, it is a real death perhaps as in just dying, as we all have to at one point in our life, it is what comes anyway. I won’t fight that anymore. No. I won’t. You won this battle, at last.
I will drown for all in a big silence, it is better than any talking, I think, there will therefor not be a misunderstanding anymore…
Yes I am bold sometimes and that unnerves every poet on the sight, but I guess I just lack patience and romance after such long torture driven time, it just comes with the territory…
I am not good at playing along. I am not good at being beside… that is just too mean in my taste… it always was. And it is not new to me. But I won’t accept it, and I can’t. I know you don’t like it. Nor will all your friends here. You will say, you are misinterpreting things, but I think I don’t. You will say, you are a kill-joy. I am, indeed… sad but true… I don’t play with kids, since I don’t have any,(?) but I don’t play at all, I only draw. I draw your attention which you hate, I draw things away from this big game… I withdraw my loudness into silence, I promise.  I might always need my time, but in the end, I always take to action what I promised or once said. So I will do this time…

Actually, the action will be exactly non-action, just be silent, nothing seen of my person anymore, and I will also be blind to everything going on, I can assure you that.
I will not hear, not see and not talk, I will just draw or withdraw, whatever the situation needs.
I need silence also, just quietness and harmony so I can become perhaps, so for myself alone, a thinner person, that might be liked by everyone, just for being thin, having no flesh on my bones, and probably be slightly invisible to the world, well, it might take to long for you, but I will vanish in front of my mirror and smile to me, wow I am so thin that finally,  if the world would still see me, they could probably try and love me just a bit?
But of course I know it won’t suffice, it won’t be enough whatever I do. I will ban all food from my plate, since everything is just toxic anyway, it will come up in a blog post and be around my nerves and destroy me on this way, so I can as well be starving, no food no comment, and all will be good.  Sport will be a new way of destroying myself, I will try and do it as if there was no tomorrow (so what point is in it then?)
I know I seem sarcastic here but I am serious to the bone, and I will succeed in starving, I once made that when I was young, but then, nobody liked me either, so it is probably just me. I am too ugly to be loved or love anybody back, heaven forbid any kids or babies or things… or men.        I know I can be a diva sometimes, I want to be a diva, but it’s only through words and eyes. Not really.

My fatness came solely through the incident which started all this, and now I am brought to justice for this fat on my body, which would not be there if there would not be a thing with small eyes, or at least a little thing… I hate my world and my life so much. I don’t care if I am a criminal. I don’t care if someone will grow without me. I wish I never knew anything, I never would have asked any questions, and I wish I would have never ever written this story.
Nobody can overcome the big water, nobody can overcome two continents, this is something forever in foreign fields, and I am lost to space forever, alone. So tell me, how am I ever to get lost of my pain? How am I ever to forget things? How am I ever to not be bitter like a lemon?  I guess, I miss out on something… for example, the reality would probably more boring than any poetry, and it would not be true anyway, and else, it is not anymore, so it is no need to stick it into me with hate, or with pride, since it is not my business anymore, where another is number one, so she is set  now to do all this, not me. So what is so wrong in saying “leave me alone”?

Because any more info would probably kill me right away, so I won’t ask any further questions after this one. I am hypersensitive, I don’t apologize for being so… it is just me.
th_100

How can I be so stupid any way. There is nothing true in it, there are no little ones nor has it ever been happening. My mind is simply boggled up by these whole stories on the internet. I will find my harmony back, being just on my own, in silence. Oh I just hope to wake up from this dream, that took my whole life now…