Gateway of hope, the owl is calling and the swan is dancing

Your sad poetry

that there must be


or do I just reminisce from dreams?
from the country behind the mirrors?

from my indecent showerly wordfinding own soul?

There was love in the cards
and many dragons
they salute you
to the new year…
and bulls take away the old
and the swan is dancing too
while the owl is calling
ever so often
quietly with wide eyes.



back punch

She refused to kiss him, she hated the way he joked around with her, he instead thought, she had no humor whatsoever, but she did not care. She punched him back in the face, when he laughed at her. That was her mistake, he punched back so bad that she fell, fell deeper and deeper and deeper, and thus although he did not even know her value…
When she woke up, she sat in a huge hole, it was dark and disgusting, and he looked down from above and shouted: “that is what you get for punching me, the most important person on the planet!” And he laughed like a person in a horror film, showing his white teeth. She puked, it was too much for her.
She hated him, him and his jokes, him and his metaphors, she knew he loved another woman, a woman that laughed also in her face that she had won and not her, and they hated each other utterly.
In her head formed a thought: she would leave him, although he always stated that he and only he would determine the day of the divorce, just to show her his dominance, oh how she hated him for that. He found her ugly, boring, uninteresting, and above all, he hated that she did not speak his language properly. The other one was intelligent, bright, beautiful and easy going inside, she was always smiling and happy, and she was thin, much thinner since she instead was fat, and he hated her for that too. He did not at all know about her value, it was not worth another thought, and yet she cried, because he had destroyed her belief in herself (which did not exist at all, not even before she had met him), he made her feel even uglier than she already was, and she felt no dignity in herself whatsoever, nothing was left of her. So, he did not know her at all.
She could not remember the wedding, not in a million years the recall would come back, that she knew, she had talks with a advicer, and this person told her to get out of there asap. But asap was a nice thought, only not possible to go through with that. Since he did not allow her to divorce him. She did not want the abuse any longer, nor did she want to seem friendly with him, he hated her so much and it hurt her so much in return.
Plus, the other one expected a baby of him, and she hated the thought of that so much. It almost killed her, she could not bare the simple thought of them together. Luckily, she had her own flat where she could be alone, and she was alone all the time, only when he showed up to ignore her, or show her his despise towards her,  that was the moments when even this place got ugly.
She dreamed every day, every night. Of wonderful things to happen, but it was in vain. Of things to come that would never ever come. Of things he had promised and did not keep. Of things to own, of a dog, of a cat, of two cats, or even of having a horse (they can be real friends instead of humans, which are mostly devious and not nice at all)….
She dreamed of stepping into a plane and fly away from all this pain, this always coming-back pain, and never to hear from him again. But also that was in vain. Her situation was utterly horrible. And would probably always stay so horrible.
And anyway, she sat here now, in a deep hole alone, while it was dark and not was to know what kind of horrible horrifying creatures would be around her, or be around her soon.
She was so scared… She cried again. At least, he could not hear her here.



sadist song

you let me suffer
let me cry
you laugh about my desire
laugh about my showing pain
it is so normal
for a sadist
to let the sucker suffer
nobody will notice
much the victim’s pain
is constructed inside
her eyes.

I love the painful sight
of my insightly vein
that you will never
come to see
and I, not be able to understand
what brought you here
the victim to blame
and the culprit to overwhelm
the audience
with such an enormous amount
of watchful pain and distress
oh I do not
come to your enjoyment
but to no man’s, actually…◘

will ever give you
the sadisfaction
of laughing with your friends
of harming and harbouring
a shelterless pain
but never ask me
I just don’t know
my soreness is so big
that I have to eat
all the many
fruits and veggies and the sugar
before there comes again
the literal
with all the delights of humanly
reader’s laughter…
and you never saw me
bleeding that much
but I don’t have a clue
where it all comes

I diminish
all these poetice142f9900d125201c9f7280eff7cc733
why is it
in all these vain
that I crave so much
of you and your
my scratches
aren’t big enough…




second class citizen…?

I am surrounded by zombies, everywhere, they are simply not nice to me, or think, I have a huge ego, which is to diminish…. I am sure that there are many people who want and need slaves all around them, and I am one of them, just because I have had a shitty life with so many failures and missteps, that I ended up jobless and miserable, and now I am sure people see me as second class citizen, which probably is right, I am not first class at all, I am ugly and boring and all which is despisable ( is there such a word, no perhaps, see, a talented and intelligent person would know that, so I am obviously not one of those)…

Nobody knows my story, and nobody ever will…
I am all alone with me, and will stay that way…. nobody understands what I want, what I am or who I am… nobody loves me at all, or wants to be with me… nobody loves me.
Not even my family. This is all I ever know. Everything I do is completely without sense. Nothing makes sense at the moment.
I might even have to come to extreme measures, to start again in my life, to end it all and leave everything behind, just to start fresh, but I don’t even know if this is possible, after all that happened in my life.

The world is behind me.

Maybe it is wrong to wish for a equitable world, where everything is fair, maybe I am on a wrong path. Or maybe, I just lost my reasonable way of seeing things? I don’t know anymore. mystical_162


dark ugliness and weirdness of mine

I am at a very dark place
you can’t see me
what you see is a substitute
your eyes seem heavy on me
I feel observed again
I feel your presence
and it scares me to death
not less
what comes in weight
is my heaviness
and nothing more
I don’t know how to get to my core…
it just hurts like always
time is swapping
and eating me
I drown in this timeless site
in my delusionary ways.

I don’t know where I am
or when.



My life is not photogenic. But I’d like to take photos of something. Only I don’t fit into a photographed life.
It’s a real dilemma.