Life is wonderful…

I just found out, how wonderful life really is.

I knew about so many things currently happening, it is unbelievable… there is definitely destiny in things… what that means is mind-blowing. It means, future can be written down and made… it is really true. It works… I just found another element of my story  actually came true… well that is not all good news, since some elements of the story are also not so pleasant, but that is not in the foreground, it takes not such a big role in this story.  I am just so happy that I am able to see things in the future, and then, the future is over and you see, it really did happen.   That gives hope it’s way.

Yes, I will be on my way, and everything will be fine in the end.

No I am not on drugs. Just on life. 440e51cf22c41876656d1826b460623d

Remember: I did not write the story to it’s end yet. So I can still interact. I am happy, happy, happy.  Life is not written all without anybody’s interaction, everybody can just write it’s own story of life.  I just came back to my original self. That one that I missed so many years. My me, the me that can be relaxed and self reliable and also a bit strong.

I lost myself. But found myself today.  It is such a warm feeling.  I feel confident and secure and happy, and so saturated.

I just love. And that is the state I want to be in. Always. b7bff97e181c5eaeb98edee30bfaf809d395c5aeee460532b50af1268697f0f4


Landscape of thoughts

My head is a landscape of thoughts

            there I wander around and take my time

                                      it can be beautiful or horrendously terrifying

sometimes I meet you there

but very often I am just lonely there

and nothing is happening

that is painful                 and I put out the pictures

I am stalled

and have to wait                                   and accept  silence

which I do                                                                         because you said so.



Pfeffer-minz- öl

Die Kühle  — die Kälte — die Eisigkeit — die sich entwickelt — ganz langsam— und sicher— tut mir gut.

Es zieht — einige Stellen meines Körpers sind kalt — wirken wie eine Eisfläche — und ich bleibe darunter — und genieße— das Abgeschlossensein— in der Kälte die mich wie ein kühler Mantel schützt…



Such a pathetic pother

It’s like the past is washing away in a stream, everything is running so fast…  I feel like the world is locking me out. Sometimes it looks like everything is lost, in another moment, it seems so hopeful, but I can’t believe it… I don’t know where to hold on to or what to get from all of this…  I’ve been through so many fires that I don’t know who I am anymore (well, except that I don’t like myself and that others mostly don’t either) and that I might not find to my proper self anymore… too much has happened.

I really tried to decipher the codes and strings of my life, but then again, it reads like it was from my own mind not from real life, and also, how can I ever know for sure? That is exactly my problem, I don’t know where the perception starts and my own mind begins. That is spooky… But even more spooky is, that I think or believe to be left alone, and left to my own devices, and that I can’t find the reason of writing here or anywhere any longer, but of course I should try and go on, only it feels like hurting.   Like I had to step into the open and there was only a desert or a wide space of nothing, with me totally insecure and lightly exposed to danger.

I never had much self esteem, nor self assurance, but now it is at an all time high again.  Or better said, at an all time low of course. The high refers to being highly unsure of myself…            I know that I am not very appealing to anyone, and that my personality is weird also. I know that nothing speaks for me. Neither does my body which is too fat, nor does my fashion which is not existing at all if you so will, and also my behavior at times, it is from weird to funny to despicable to questionable and gawky…

The question is, how much reason have I to live? How much is it allowed that I live? From many people in my life (not on the internet), and I don’t know many people, I get the impression that I don’t have the right to be here, and that I am just wrong and that I don’t belong. I know they don’t care about me one bit and when I am near them, they give me the impression, that they don’t care one bit. The exact thing. And yes, I speak of my family…. They live a splendid life and they look down upon me. And of course they don’t know anything about me and I can’t even tell them since they would never ask. But I have to be strong these days since there might be some more contact with them, so I don’t have a choice… no choice but to suffer from this loneliness that comes with the situation.  I could just puke, but I don’t, surely.

I know I also have a lot of enemies, also here on Word Press, but I don’t bother, really not, I know I can’t escape anyway so I will make the best out of this pathetic situation… which isn’t even possible, but well.. That is also why I had to think much of the woman who fell into the hands of the wolves in the woods lately, it is the same situation for me, just in another context. I can’t run, and all is in the open, and I am circled by wolves with hard, bare teeth and a very bad opinion of me, ergo they snarl and don’t like my smell… and they wouldn’t make a fuss but just… well, we all know how it goes.

But the only thing I ever wanted was love, for everyone, I am not interested in a war or in anything like that, that is where I am different from them.

I really can’t understand why people have to be so aggressive all the time, it is like a world disease, and it spreads, obviously…  I feel for those with an aggressive attitude, it must make them so bitter and their life so unpleasant.  But  “it” can’t be helped and I won’t bother to do so. Since, as everyone of the “Mob” already seems to know, I am not a “motherly” figure. There you go.      As if I couldn’t be sarcastic myself.  And I sure start to understand the reason, but I am not the one that did wrong here. I did not know better… and was deceived all these years…smilie_girl_169satisfaction

I am rather cheeky, bold, unpleasant, inconvenient, disobeying and just a plain pain in the arse.  Just bite on it. 8428b6d7cf4bdd712fb1413cb880cbe7

The somnambulator

Pain is following me in front of my dreams, into my dreams and through my dreams. It almost is my steady attendant, I live all the words I read at these difficult and weird lonely times… obviously….

I woke up shivering with distress and wondering about why I felt so much anguish,   I ran through a place with three other girls, after a woman had asked us to come with her, and we took our seats in a huge room to wait for the audition to begin, (I don’t even know why I was there in the first place since I never wanted to go to any auditions), and there was a horse, that tried to squeeze me to death, but it could be prevented by me since I pushed it’s black fur (or skin) and it felt so warm and balled up and it was so nervous and it was up to kick me with it’s back hooves, while I was sitting in the audition seats, near my two friends who were there too, and suddenly there were two other horses fighting with each other,


threatening me (from the situation) to crush me between them, or to bite me, while they tried to bite each other, or to push me and squeeze me, wobbling around each other, and 1fc42371051cc1bf0d17a25d98529800

I was almost scared to death. That was when I finally woke up. Shivering and jittery.

I know it is alarming when I start to have nightmares over words from books or blogs or people or from voices in real life, which is no longer mine…



It’s like a gap

I feel like I miss, but I don’t know what… an empty feeling like there is something not here… I feel like I am so little… and so much full of stupidity….  I always am so much like nothing.  My mind is playing through all sorts of things. And I don’t even know if this is necessary or something out of reality.

I know exactly that I do wrong all the time, but I also think, why are all people so mean to me, what do I do that the world looks down upon me so much…

Time is my enemy right now. I know he hates me right now and I can’t do anything to improve the situation, it is completely out of my hand. There is nothing I can do, and also nothing to prevent future events from happening.  I feel so lost…

I also know that people hate me for my whining. But … oh well, I know I am always referring to “but”.  But that is only the answer when there is just silence on the other side.