Either : 5







It’s like a gap

I feel like I miss, but I don’t know what… an empty feeling like there is something not here… I feel like I am so little… and so much full of stupidity….  I always am so much like nothing.  My mind is playing through all sorts of things. And I don’t even know if this is necessary or something out of reality.

I know exactly that I do wrong all the time, but I also think, why are all people so mean to me, what do I do that the world looks down upon me so much…

Time is my enemy right now. I know he hates me right now and I can’t do anything to improve the situation, it is completely out of my hand. There is nothing I can do, and also nothing to prevent future events from happening.  I feel so lost…

I also know that people hate me for my whining. But … oh well, I know I am always referring to “but”.  But that is only the answer when there is just silence on the other side.



Hyenas and decoys

Mein Kopf ist verdreht                                                                     wie die Waschmaschine

die sich dreht                                                                     und dreht.

                                    Die Löwen stehen schon am Tor

und die Hyänen


                                               hinter ihnen.  Sie lecken sich die Mäuler

                                                                              und gähnen und schreien

und ich zittere                                                                aber das riechen sie nicht.

Sie kriegen mich nicht                                   auch wenn sie es immer und immer

wieder betonen                                       ich bin stark                         aber sie kennen nur meine Schwäche                              die sie für Schwäche



                                                                                                    legen Köder aus

die ich nicht gefressen habe                                                       aber auch das wissen sie nicht.








building words that build

Your words are building houses, streets or even people,  today  there was smoke and steam or alike – a traveler from distant lands showed up and a girl selling incense sticks got upset at him stepping over her blanket on which she had put all her items to sell… it was a street near my town, where I once lived… and of course there was the element of how it looked before there was even anything build.

Only in my dreams there is no element of aggression. Or only sometimes…

I must get rid of my “hopes” so much. No, they are actually just fantasies, how it might never be, since that is what I am used to.

I hate you. But in a good                       way. satisfaction

My cheeks are so burning.

it tastes like bloody licorice

reading poems

like if they were Lakritz


the taste quite bitter                                                 and the atmosphere so grey       like it was already black with bloody dots                                        but I try to keep my head high



•aching body due to some brutal devices•

My body kind of aches, as so is my soul. It aches horribly and intensively. Though I feel a bit better since yesterday, which was a terrible day. My uncle was here, and my mother came to hospital. So, I was worried sick, but also went with other worries in my mind, which boggled me the whole time through. Funny though, there were many not so ill looking people near or in the hospital, funny considering the late hour… but I did not give too much attention to it, I tried not to give them the impression, that I cared about them too much.

Was annoying anyway, the whole thing, because I and my uncle don’t get really along so good. He always teases me and I don’t like that at all. In the end he gave me the advice to organize myself better, even when I told him before the flat is a bit unorganized at the moment due to the gap in (before) non existing furniture and so on, but that is so usual for this family, that I get insulted each time I see them, for whatever reason possible.

Although I wonder, why should anyone be jealous at anyone running around with exactly  me , but I don’t have to understand everything…  if that were the case at all.

So I’m obviously left to my own brutal devices… lol…

But I must have such a face, where people like to put a punch into. Just a fact.  I really, really hate my life. 59fff8ae08b292a40eef167d704c18caspinne18

Tunnel of pain

I am in a tunnel of pain right now. Probably out of the totally wrong reasons, but oh well… ab005194c860393c5b3bbe65847dc13d

I don’t know where to put my sadness. Somehow I know this horrible situation, it is so extremely painful. This silence is horrible… I’m torn apart by it…

You may love another woman right now, ?  but I still love you, the more I fight against it, it still grows stronger. I hate myself for that.

I don’t even now how to sleep. But finally, the tears are there. At last. ○•○•

I wonder: is the world only good with music? Is it only good with (good) movies? Is it only good and bearable with as many distractions as possible? With disco, cotton candy and sweet liquor, or dolls to specials to watching TV, or having ice-cream and cream on top?   With horses and waves on the sea, with summer breezes or winter’s cold fresh snowy tops?               I really wonder.  Right now I listen to The Cure.                                            Their name is program to me. ♥ Lots of inspiring tones…  I feel crazy. So crazy, that it hurts like thousand hell

wholes. 14621ab9e93531d837158cd57524145f



Now I sit alone in my flat, which isn’t really my flat at all (from relatives)

and I know am at a point

where everything is lost or could be lost

I am a robot today

and I have no tears

only, they will come sooner or later…

The quietness in the apartment is spooky in a way…

I don’t know what to do next.

When everything is over in another context

I am over too.

But that is life