Sometimes, you just don’t want to do anything. Not even sleep.
And sometimes, life is just ahead of you. Or better: you stay behind, while life is speeding away ahead of you. I ask myself, how I can keep track of everything. I am losing it, somehow… Just not sure whether it’s good or bad.
What is it really? I try to cope with the fact, that I am so happy about getting a chance. Which is obviously nothing I did, e.g. not the fact that I am so nice. Funny. It is pure naivete. I guess… For example, there isn’t just one person in that huge room. But for me, it is like it. Stupid.
Trying to find myself. After work of devastation is completed another time again. Trying to work on my artwork. Trying to dive inside me and my art again, leaving the thuggish world behind me. Cologne, my home, my people, my Germany. My own head is not thuggish. It’s devastated, tired and feverish. After all, I belong in my fantasy world.
I will now look into the cards. What the Celtic animal cards will say. About what comes next, tomorrow and the time after that. That is a tradition, always before the end of the year. But it is more about how I might, should or could react to this or that…
I think, I hurt someone tonight but there was no other choice for me. Fearing New Years Eve. It all hurts. I hope next year, or maybe even tomorrow, I will come into contact with my emotions, finally. They are hiding somewhere.
Running away from pain. Smelling sweet of Issey Miyake.