It’s like the past is washing away in a stream, everything is running so fast… I feel like the world is locking me out. Sometimes it looks like everything is lost, in another moment, it seems so hopeful, but I can’t believe it… I don’t know where to hold on to or what to get from all of this… I’ve been through so many fires that I don’t know who I am anymore (well, except that I don’t like myself and that others mostly don’t either) and that I might not find to my proper self anymore… too much has happened.
I really tried to decipher the codes and strings of my life, but then again, it reads like it was from my own mind not from real life, and also, how can I ever know for sure? That is exactly my problem, I don’t know where the perception starts and my own mind begins. That is spooky… But even more spooky is, that I think or believe to be left alone, and left to my own devices, and that I can’t find the reason of writing here or anywhere any longer, but of course I should try and go on, only it feels like hurting. Like I had to step into the open and there was only a desert or a wide space of nothing, with me totally insecure and lightly exposed to danger.
I never had much self esteem, nor self assurance, but now it is at an all time high again. Or better said, at an all time low of course. The high refers to being highly unsure of myself… I know that I am not very appealing to anyone, and that my personality is weird also. I know that nothing speaks for me. Neither does my body which is too fat, nor does my fashion which is not existing at all if you so will, and also my behavior at times, it is from weird to funny to despicable to questionable and gawky…
The question is, how much reason have I to live? How much is it allowed that I live? From many people in my life (not on the internet), and I don’t know many people, I get the impression that I don’t have the right to be here, and that I am just wrong and that I don’t belong. I know they don’t care about me one bit and when I am near them, they give me the impression, that they don’t care one bit. The exact thing. And yes, I speak of my family…. They live a splendid life and they look down upon me. And of course they don’t know anything about me and I can’t even tell them since they would never ask. But I have to be strong these days since there might be some more contact with them, so I don’t have a choice… no choice but to suffer from this loneliness that comes with the situation. I could just puke, but I don’t, surely.
I know I also have a lot of enemies, also here on Word Press, but I don’t bother, really not, I know I can’t escape anyway so I will make the best out of this pathetic situation… which isn’t even possible, but well.. That is also why I had to think much of the woman who fell into the hands of the wolves in the woods lately, it is the same situation for me, just in another context. I can’t run, and all is in the open, and I am circled by wolves with hard, bare teeth and a very bad opinion of me, ergo they snarl and don’t like my smell… and they wouldn’t make a fuss but just… well, we all know how it goes.
But the only thing I ever wanted was love, for everyone, I am not interested in a war or in anything like that, that is where I am different from them.
I really can’t understand why people have to be so aggressive all the time, it is like a world disease, and it spreads, obviously… I feel for those with an aggressive attitude, it must make them so bitter and their life so unpleasant. But “it” can’t be helped and I won’t bother to do so. Since, as everyone of the “Mob” already seems to know, I am not a “motherly” figure. There you go. As if I couldn’t be sarcastic myself. And I sure start to understand the reason, but I am not the one that did wrong here. I did not know better… and was deceived all these years…
I am rather cheeky, bold, unpleasant, inconvenient, disobeying and just a plain pain in the arse. Just bite on it.