Such a pathetic pother

It’s like the past is washing away in a stream, everything is running so fast…  I feel like the world is locking me out. Sometimes it looks like everything is lost, in another moment, it seems so hopeful, but I can’t believe it… I don’t know where to hold on to or what to get from all of this…  I’ve been through so many fires that I don’t know who I am anymore (well, except that I don’t like myself and that others mostly don’t either) and that I might not find to my proper self anymore… too much has happened.

I really tried to decipher the codes and strings of my life, but then again, it reads like it was from my own mind not from real life, and also, how can I ever know for sure? That is exactly my problem, I don’t know where the perception starts and my own mind begins. That is spooky… But even more spooky is, that I think or believe to be left alone, and left to my own devices, and that I can’t find the reason of writing here or anywhere any longer, but of course I should try and go on, only it feels like hurting.   Like I had to step into the open and there was only a desert or a wide space of nothing, with me totally insecure and lightly exposed to danger.

I never had much self esteem, nor self assurance, but now it is at an all time high again.  Or better said, at an all time low of course. The high refers to being highly unsure of myself…            I know that I am not very appealing to anyone, and that my personality is weird also. I know that nothing speaks for me. Neither does my body which is too fat, nor does my fashion which is not existing at all if you so will, and also my behavior at times, it is from weird to funny to despicable to questionable and gawky…

The question is, how much reason have I to live? How much is it allowed that I live? From many people in my life (not on the internet), and I don’t know many people, I get the impression that I don’t have the right to be here, and that I am just wrong and that I don’t belong. I know they don’t care about me one bit and when I am near them, they give me the impression, that they don’t care one bit. The exact thing. And yes, I speak of my family…. They live a splendid life and they look down upon me. And of course they don’t know anything about me and I can’t even tell them since they would never ask. But I have to be strong these days since there might be some more contact with them, so I don’t have a choice… no choice but to suffer from this loneliness that comes with the situation.  I could just puke, but I don’t, surely.

I know I also have a lot of enemies, also here on Word Press, but I don’t bother, really not, I know I can’t escape anyway so I will make the best out of this pathetic situation… which isn’t even possible, but well.. That is also why I had to think much of the woman who fell into the hands of the wolves in the woods lately, it is the same situation for me, just in another context. I can’t run, and all is in the open, and I am circled by wolves with hard, bare teeth and a very bad opinion of me, ergo they snarl and don’t like my smell… and they wouldn’t make a fuss but just… well, we all know how it goes.

But the only thing I ever wanted was love, for everyone, I am not interested in a war or in anything like that, that is where I am different from them.

I really can’t understand why people have to be so aggressive all the time, it is like a world disease, and it spreads, obviously…  I feel for those with an aggressive attitude, it must make them so bitter and their life so unpleasant.  But  “it” can’t be helped and I won’t bother to do so. Since, as everyone of the “Mob” already seems to know, I am not a “motherly” figure. There you go.      As if I couldn’t be sarcastic myself.  And I sure start to understand the reason, but I am not the one that did wrong here. I did not know better… and was deceived all these years…smilie_girl_169satisfaction

I am rather cheeky, bold, unpleasant, inconvenient, disobeying and just a plain pain in the arse.  Just bite on it. 8428b6d7cf4bdd712fb1413cb880cbe7

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Scared

Now I sit alone in my flat, which isn’t really my flat at all (from relatives)

and I know am at a point

where everything is lost or could be lost

I am a robot today

and I have no tears

only, they will come sooner or later…

The quietness in the apartment is spooky in a way…

I don’t know what to do next.

When everything is over in another context

I am over too.

But that is life

obviously.

 

In the maze

Misunderstanding many words, I ran into the maze to search for it’s meanings. I found mostly fun, but also lately insults and word slanging matches, one word giving the other.

The maze is so huge and impossible to see through. I’m tired and kind of exhausted…

For me,  “talking” to someone in English from over the ocean, is yet the most intriguing thing ever, so word fights are somewhat strange to me (too).

And being not alone in a room where nobody is, is oh so weird. I’d like to say: how can you know, that art was what I tried to do today, or yesterday…  satisfaction8428b6d7cf4bdd712fb1413cb880cbe7

 

He’s the only one that “knows” me

Why is my world so crazy? Why is it so difficult to understand? Everything is so weird all the time… Days gone by and I still don’t get everything? I ask myself so many questions, I dare not to take it to others… There was pain, and there was joy, there was fun and there was mischief, there were big eyes and wry looks, there were unspoken hostilities and spoken denials. It was a world full of difficulties, lies and misunderstandings. There were people where they should not have been, and so much which is not told yet.   How to get through all this jungle? How to fully recover from it? How to explain things to people that have grown into liked people?

How can I put aside the trouble I am in? Why should I change from being a child, that is purely speaking it’s momentarily mind? I’m a child by nature. But I love so deeply, and in a way that is obviously new to me. I feel so lost. So lost in this outer world, which does not understand me either… I should think, I am not lonely, but I am, it feels that way. I am lonely each day. I sit here alone and stare at the wall, but it can’t give me any answers… nor does it vanish from it’s own. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it is not there anymore and I can see other places, but they are too far away to reach…  I know that writing this will not change anything, it only explains how my heart is bleeding.  It explains also how deep it is. I did not know that either.

I don’t know what came over me all the time, writing stuff that simply hurts people, because that is not me…. but well, it doesn’t change anything… does it? I lost you, I lost a whole world.   In my world all my rivers are red. But they are also red, because I am much too emotional all the time.

I believe, you are the only one that knows me. At least that goes for some areas of mine… For me, that was always something special, something that was meant for just one very special person.

I just want to love in my world.  And I want to play…

 

 

 

I am not like that

I am not like that: I don’t like to fight. I don’t like to row. I don’t like to hate. I don’t like to not like… I don’t like to be grumpy. I don’t want to loose people.

If the world would just not be so complicated most of the time…

I feel so sorry because I behave so bad, so rebellious. generate-phpheul3

It is all so wrong. Only, my feeling of right and wrong are upside down, for me I was still a person with rights, and I thought, I could as well been asked… it is a difficult task to get used to the situation. If I understand the situation correctly. satisfaction

My reality says, I am alone. The past and some poetic writings say, I am not. But I miss the bridge in between those two worlds…  Or it’s about something completely different,  but how am I to get this? My dreams told some stories too, but it is way to nebulous and fading, also very complicated to put in order.  The only helping thing would be an honest conversation, I guess…

 

 

One day sugar, the other it is grain

My English is on a challenge here, on this press, and every day I learn some more, my heart breaking every other minute, while every other minute, I feel like in a rollercoaster, full of surprises and gruesome moments…

It is as if I know it, there were good days and bad days, which hurt like hell and other, like sweet and hopeful.

That is why I closed my heart and lived alone, to feel secure and safe of all the incoming pain and things that could destroy just everything in me. Love is not of the essence, for most people money is of the essence. That is where the world and I are different.

I’ve put my head above the parapet to much, did I? Obviously…. I don’t understand this world, a world where emotions don’t count and a human being is only worth what he is worth money-wise, I never wanted to live in such a world.  First, the toss you out the window because you don’t fit in their system. And then, when you don’t fit into their system because they refused to let you in, and decided to throw you into the bin, they accuse you of laziness and hostile behavior. What a world is that?

Oh this is just another bad day for me. The painter, that was supposed to come today,  has forgotten the arrangement. And then, I read on the Internet. I hate the world.

I wanted to become a boss. But then, I wanted to be much more an artist. So, anyway, my way was okay the way it was. But it’s painful anyway. Pain is a part of my life and I will have to get used to it. I know what I am capable of, and I will go on the way I want, painting and drawing and closing my heart down since that is the best. Too many storms are coming my way.

A disclaimer: this is NOT a blog from some “squirrel”…

Just to make this perfectly clear.  (I love this word, lol…)

I can only say, well, I want to believe what I believe and I do what I do, and I practice whatever I want, the same way I would let other people do whatever they want  and let them believe whatever they want to believe.

Maybe, people become the impression, I might have contact to a squirrel group or I myself might be a squirrel. Well that is wrong. I never met any Scientologists in my life.   (And this is wrong again, I know… sorry….)  But, well, before that all occurred, I mean.

I was so spiritual my whole life, although I was raised in the catholic faith. (Wrong again, because the school I attended was infiltrated by Scientologists, I think, since my class teacher, who was not a nun like most of the teachers, liked to say ” I only help the able, not the unable”, and I was in her eyes very unable, since I was so shy and so ill with a cold all the time and so weak and just a very sad little girl, she did not like me one bit, and she really only helped the able, so I don’t believe anymore that she was a catholic, after what I learned from books these days. This teacher wanted me to leave the school,  I was not good enough for her… I did leave and ended up having a miserable life due to bad education.)…

So, I make this disclaimer, once and for all: I am not a squirrel, I am only telling stories about my dreams and about how I feel and about what I experience in my life.  I don’t even have these kind of books and nothing is as you might think.  Well, they will notice when they will go through my stuff, after letting themselves in with the new keys they now have. Yes I am not stupid and I can count to two at least.

Very sad, that Scientology finally goes after completely innocent people, who are no squirrels, never spoke out against Scientology,  or did anything against them, nor had the intention to limit them. I am a free person in a free world, and this is a luxury obviously. I am very poor and I would not even be able to get any Scientology courses, and as I mentioned somewhere else, I don’t need them, since I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, and have clairvoyance all my life from a very young age on, without, I repeat, without any  squirrel-like auditing or  from any church.  I just don’t know where it comes from.  For me, it’s a mystery.

For me, it belongs to my life, and this is just a try to explain it to myself, and why and how this can happen, because it startles me too. So, when I speak about it, I only want to make it easier for myself to get a grip on things. Not more, not less. I don’t want to drag people into something. I don’t want to inspire people with it. Nor tell people what kind of “superpowers” there are. It is not a superpower, but a very annoying thing most of the time. Because, the use of it is…?  Yeah, I don’t know either.

And if I want to believe in aliens, so what? If I want to believe in further things? Am I not allowed to do so in my lonely life? With me alone and nobody around, speak, church? So what? I am a solitary, because groups freak me out and in school, they laughed at me, so this is how I prefer to be: alone.  And this is how this all started, I wanted to be alone and someone could not let it go.  I was in a bad mood (after reading some stuff and listening to stuff from youtube, I understand better what this means for Scientologists, and I might be a high risk for any Scientologist, since I am so sad sometimes, and so not open to anyone anymore. I was the most open person in the world, earlier, but that is history, I think…); and I could not understand and not answer perfectly and all was a whole mess, and I made it even messier not answering correctly, I just wanted to have my freedom. Today I know I was in a state where nothing worked and it was simply wrong time wrong place, but that happens in life. I feel sorry for that now, but what can I do?  I was so unfriendly and for him, it was probably like I had a “withhold” (so called, in normal it means probably to not be open enough and to not tell what really was going on, what I did not want to tell, I thought it is only my business.)

I know today, that some people might have written reports about me (very obscure because I am as I mentioned not a Scientologist),  at least that is what I believe happened. Then someone called (Miscavige) got angry or astonished or whatever… and then there it was.  And then it all unfolded to even more mayhem and anger, since I did not get/understand the justice system the Scientologists have, but instead using my own one from the “normal”  Wog world.  No?  Oh, I might never get an answer to that, I must simply try to take it as it is and live with it.

 

I don’t think there were ever any Scientologists in my life that told me to believe in this or that, e.g. aliens or clairvoyance or any of that stuff or any tec.  I was surrounded by so called Christians. If any, I learned that from my own thoughts, it is how I explain the world to myself, due to experiences, things I saw or lived through, and so on. I did not even watch  alien movies when I started to write down stuff like alien abduction stories (in school for a project, for example) and it basically came out of nowhere.  Yeah, maybe not exactly out of nowhere but that is where the mystery begins, I have no idea.

I just want to say: there is no need to be nervous. But who am I telling this to.  If LRH is nervous, everyone has to be. I understand that.  But to think for yourself has some advantage, just saying.

The word describing all that is: empathy. I want to know things to have empathy towards people, and also for people who believe other things than I do.  Because that is where a peaceful world might start from.

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I was 11 years old all over again

You might think, there isn’t such a thing like time-traveling. But there is. When you go through the same thing again, which shocked you then, it can shock you that much in the present moment, that, all of a sudden, you are back in time and going through the same package of emotion and stress again.

That happened to me. So, afterwards, I acted the same way I did when I was 11 years old at the incident. Same thing, same action. All over again.

Today I feel ashamed I acted like a 11-year-old. But I could not know better…

Today I understand better, or yet I believe so, what drove the “incident” to happen, I guess I can say that I am not angry anymore the way I was, but it is so much shame in me, over all this. I am a grown woman and I did not act that way. I feel sorry for that, but my life was so messed up at that time and I was a piece of nothing… a real nothing and full of resentment and no-say. I wanted just quiet and lonely, and could not work with anything, but with nothing, because that was what I needed. I wasn’t at a place where anything could have happened. Or, no, that is not true either. But I was not ready for this really, I lied to myself strictly and caused just the more pain to myself through that behavior. It was a lie that lasted at least 5 long years, and I was a mess.

I wish I could go back and do everything just a little bit different. Be in a different (better) state, have more understanding and more like, well my own real self with me.  But that is impossible. I passed up this very special moment and made it into something weird, but I am not so sure if that was under my control at all because I wasn’t alone, was I? So, there is only this one version of the incident, or am I wrong?  If not, I would like to hear/read  the other version, so much…

You could even say I am grateful today, because I understand (perhaps) the reason and why it was necessary (although….) in the first place. Only, I suffer a little bit of amnesia, from that moment on, and probably nothing will come back (some of it has in my dreams, though). Or maybe I am completely wrong here and it was all just a coincidence, me overreacting here and also then. But what is for sure is that I became to be an 11-year-old again and that was the only thing I know, and if there was anything more going on or not, I know I was not myself from that moment on. Either hypnotized, or even under the influence of fear, or the stupid thought of suffering, or even under some influence of substance, from that moment on I can’t tell anymore. I wish I could…

From the “code language” on some shows though, I can read some stuff out of it. Some I do understand, some I don’t. Or some is just delusional something for me, which I want to make something out of.

But I guess, I understood quite right. broken_heart I can’t even be cross with… It just doesn’t seem right. I wasn’t okay with it, but I forgive and I hope so much he forgives me to for my behavior. I was so naive…

Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.