I was 11 years old all over again

You might think, there isn’t such a thing like time-traveling. But there is. When you go through the same thing again, which shocked you then, it can shock you that much in the present moment, that, all of a sudden, you are back in time and going through the same package of emotion and stress again.

That happened to me. So, afterwards, I acted the same way I did when I was 11 years old at the incident. Same thing, same action. All over again.

Today I feel ashamed I acted like a 11-year-old. But I could not know better…

Today I understand better, or yet I believe so, what drove the “incident” to happen, I guess I can say that I am not angry anymore the way I was, but it is so much shame in me, over all this. I am a grown woman and I did not act that way. I feel sorry for that, but my life was so messed up at that time and I was a piece of nothing… a real nothing and full of resentment and no-say. I wanted just quiet and lonely, and could not work with anything, but with nothing, because that was what I needed. I wasn’t at a place where anything could have happened. Or, no, that is not true either. But I was not ready for this really, I lied to myself strictly and caused just the more pain to myself through that behavior. It was a lie that lasted at least 5 long years, and I was a mess.

I wish I could go back and do everything just a little bit different. Be in a different (better) state, have more understanding and more like, well my own real self with me.  But that is impossible. I passed up this very special moment and made it into something weird, but I am not so sure if that was under my control at all because I wasn’t alone, was I? So, there is only this one version of the incident, or am I wrong?  If not, I would like to hear/read  the other version, so much…

You could even say I am grateful today, because I understand (perhaps) the reason and why it was necessary (although….) in the first place. Only, I suffer a little bit of amnesia, from that moment on, and probably nothing will come back (some of it has in my dreams, though). Or maybe I am completely wrong here and it was all just a coincidence, me overreacting here and also then. But what is for sure is that I became to be an 11-year-old again and that was the only thing I know, and if there was anything more going on or not, I know I was not myself from that moment on. Either hypnotized, or even under the influence of fear, or the stupid thought of suffering, or even under some influence of substance, from that moment on I can’t tell anymore. I wish I could…

From the “code language” on some shows though, I can read some stuff out of it. Some I do understand, some I don’t. Or some is just delusional something for me, which I want to make something out of.

But I guess, I understood quite right. broken_heart I can’t even be cross with… It just doesn’t seem right. I wasn’t okay with it, but I forgive and I hope so much he forgives me to for my behavior. I was so naive…

Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.

power outage by a poltergeist ?

A few minutes ago, there was a small power outage at my home, shortly after the lamp near my bed started to flicker wildly and then went out all of a sudden. I was so terrified, since I am so afraid of the dark. Luckily, I always have two flashlights near my bed, in case this might happen. So, it happened. I was shocked and I was kind of angry on the ghost, because he/she was obviously in a playing mood, while I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

Yes, think bad of me, but I wanted to tell the “ghost” to piss off, when the lamp started to flicker, and at the very second, I said to him “leave me alone and piss off!”, the lamp flickered aggressively, and then, all of a sudden, with a small “puff”, the light, the laptop, and just everything, went out. I tried hard not to scream because I am really, really, really am so scared of darkness. That is why I have to have a little nightlight near my bed, or at least somewhere in the room…

Probably interesting, I was working on a small Polymer clay cane, that looked like a ghost face. But of course, it wasn’t meant to be an insult to any ghosts. Don’t know if I loose my mind. But I know that there is something, something going on. And the ghost is angry…  at least, this time, it seemed to be an aggressive behavior. Not nice.

Now, I finally can go to bed. Since,  I managed, with help of course, (of my mum since I am such a terrible boring ugly woman I don’t live with a man), to put the fuse back in and put a new light bulb inside my lamp, which I did on my own of course, what do you think (?)… So, light is on, and in some hours, the sun will come back too, so, I can easily go to sleep without fear. Am I not a stupid girl.

I hope so much, this is just a story that I make up. Because if this really is a poltergeist, we are in stage 3 already and it can only get worse… oh, yes, I know I am crazy. But there is more than you can think in the world. And I know I have issues, problems and that my heart is in an uproar… All these symptoms where there can be  a poltergeist around. Let’s hope, this isn’t true.

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