The feeling I have   is to have to be brave

but I feel like rebellion

much to my dandelion

though this is no help

since afterwards I will have to cry for help

even when I hide in my cave

invisible for  digital lords

speaking out their pervasive words…


passed by the order of life

so this is what it is, just some more pain due to many misunderstandings… ?  I won’t cry but stay strong, and hope that it will not crush me. But it probably will.

I am alone now and so sad. I never wanted this to come.  Why can’t I just not prevent it?  I feel so totally helpless. I wanted this to happen too, but everything just went wrong, and by not “answering”, I did it by mistake, not on purpose…. If I would have seen what was happening, it would have been easier for me. But now I failed so deeply.  I wished you would just soon come back… or that it might not be so tragic for us after all.


… and my religion is…

Well, and this is what happens, when “someone” becomes your “religion”.

It is so overwhelming in the end.  I cried yesterday, because I found out so many things I had already seen and I did not know. In 2002, I began to write a story, well about “someone”, and I went on writing over the years and I thought it was total fiction, also about me, and about him an his passion (his religion I think because it can’t be anything else, or these people who were around him and me ), but I did not know then, that it was about “him”, or about a religion. You know. I wasn’t aware who and what that was I was writing about. It was just for fun… and because I wanted to be a writer.  Writing by seeing into the future which is not written by then is like, the feeling to an extend where nothing makes sense… but actually, I thought nothing of it, I thought everything was as normal, I blanked out completely on what was not so obvious.

Yesterday I read my story again after all these years (which I luckily did not throw away as I had planned) and many details are as far as I know true, and are  fitting in.      It was clairvoyance, what else?  And then it shook me and I had to cry.       It is not for anyone to read of course, it is not finished or  good or anything, but it shows the many things which happened and are happening in the last three, four years and ongoing I think, to me it is shocking but as well wonderful. It is like a bond which was invisible and unknown to me.

It is either telepathy or something else, which I don’t know yet…. and it makes me wonder, nobody can say, that clairvoyance doesn’t exist. Because it does.

He must have such a strong mind. To me, that is mind-blowing.