The therapy group

And now I also get, why in one of my dreams I was in a “therapy group”, and why the people yelled at me and isolated me while we sat in a room without  any windows and they insulted me, by saying I would stink, they obviously smelled my perfume on me… (hence, they are not allowed to use perfume)… They must have been Sea Org Members or Staff.  So obvious.

I lost most of my memory of course. It was simply  gone. Until now.

But, it is kind of weird, because nothing bad came of it, he is so nice to me… ? I’d still be loyal to him and would probably do what he says, whatever he wants me to do or feel, I think that sounds really like I have been programmed perhaps, but that is how I feel towards him.  It still confuses me. Because what he is concerned, I can’t get angry at him or hate him or anything like that.  Although he probably did what he did.   It is all so weird.  At least it seems so quiet, except for the people that were photographing my street and all that weird stuff going on (not much though). I have this strange feeling of weirdness and being observed, but I try not to let it get  to me. Maybe they would even say, well, she lost her wits and she does not know what she says. Of course they would. But I know who I am and I know how to read my dreams and my own way/state, so I know it can’t be a scam that I just made up. Yes, the incident happened, at least the question and talk part, which was gruesome intense and he would not budge an inch from his questions, I never experienced that before.  I feel like I am trapped in thinking about it, therefore I wanted to distract myself with drawing and so on. But it doesn’t really help yet.

I would still call it a trauma, no matter how much “fun” I might have had (sure, I don’t know that, I wasn’t really “on board”… only my body was, I might have been drugged.) There was even this dream where I got something from him (a good looking guy with a cap on), some sweets or so and I was fending it off but he would not budge but give it to me. I paid no attention to that sequence since I did not understand or attached it to anything. But I guess, everything will return to me eventually. Or at least the most important things. I hope so.

And the blue eyes? Well, I think that is not a mystery either anymore.



Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.

I have to apologize too… I believe


Well,  I apologize.  Although that might not be enough. I know that.

It might have been amicable, yes, I am not sure, anyhow that does not change things and I am not angry (anymore). I never was, more like… not sure.

I just wish I had a memory to what happened really. It is sad, that I can’t remember what happened, I am fighting with my memory but it will not come back. There are just some pictures from dreams,  with fancy surroundings and flats and expensive furniture and so on, and some people in it too, but who can say if they are real… ?

No it’s all gone.. at least for the time being.

Probably I am simply too afraid of anything in life… and I don’t believe in myself at all… so it is my fault and  I overreacted in the end. Or something like that. It’s too long ago to say… I really feel sorry.  Of course not for… well… that it happened? I am simply not sure…





Sleepless in a rough and confused state

I am sleepless due to London. It just haunts me. My thoughts are almost constantly with the people that had to endure all this tragedy.

And fear is spreading inside me like a cancer. It’s the second night in a row that I can’t sleep, no matter what, I have to stay awake, otherwise, I am not sure what might happen. Well, my situation, my living situation is almost the same, only my building is not so high. It just hurts.

What I like about Britain: the Queen is like a mother to her country, she is always there when there is need, somehow always. Well, I am not so well informed. But it seems, as if this is a nice gesture, all the time. My thoughts are therefore also with the Royal Family, no, mostly with the Queen. I think, for her, as she has been going through a fire tragedy as well (not so much tragedy but anyway… you know what I mean), she will hurt as well, I think.

But what also shocks me most, is that the people seem to be treated like “dirt”, as some people say. I know how that feels, been through those moments myself, as I don’t own an own place (great grammar, but so what… 😉  ) , and have to speak to companies who own “my place” normally as well. It is sad, that the world can’t do better….

When I read, that Prince Harry was visiting Borough Market, I was kind of, well, what was going on there, I can’t remember. I am through, I am done, I forget things, because they are too heavy to bare on my back. Have so much on my own back, and I normally hurt when others are hurt, that is my personality, can’t help it. But, we remember, I was sick over this and was unwell the day I heard about it, it struck me kind of hard, so I might just have put it aside, since it was too much.

You can call me a kitschy person. Does me no harm, there is enough already. Well, tells you perhaps where I am, when I call this kitschy, because here, in Germany, never ever would be on one corner at least one person, who would care so much for others, I think, although people are treated like dirt by companies, by important persons with no heart at all, (well, we know London is a money city with interest in money, tells us almost everything…) but there are still enough sweet caring  people who I can’t find here in my country.

Well, I hurt and that is because London and the rest of Britain is always in my dreams, but I can’t reach them. I love London, I love Manchester, and I love the whole of Britain. The whole Kingdom.

And my thoughts are also with Theresa May. She is a strong woman and can cope with the situation, she has a hard time to go through. I feel for her as well, it is not easy what she has to do. But I think, she does a good job. And I also think, oh well, enough now. I don’t want to exaggerate. But with this, in these times, one can’t actually exaggerate at all…  Actually, I wanted to write a post only with the offer of a digital hug to everyone in the world who reads this. Because there is so much mayhem, violence, hurt people and so much death…




… and then you realize…

… that nothing is of importance any longer.

You can just go and rest. For the rest of all time.

You just feel, when it’s time.

Because nothing here can fascinate you anymore. Or delight you. Or simply thrill you.

And then you realize, that nobody waits for you. And you wait for nobody in return.

Then, and only then, it is time to go. Me, in my case, know for sure, that this is the time to go and let go. I let go of my family which is not interested in me anymore and will never be, I let go of the job idea which I will never have (the job that is), and I will let go of my dreams, which I can never fulfill. Question is, what am I waiting for. As mentioned, I wait for nobody and definitely wait for nothing anymore.  I am done with the USA, I am done with Germany, and I am done with love. Yeah, and I have no idea what should come next. I just can’t need another year of mayhem. No.

I am done. And I am not in younger years where there was some kind of thinking behind those thoughts. Now, I am someone just doing what I say. And I say, I am done. With myself and with the world. With all the terrorists, the neonazi people, and with all the politicians. And of course with my family. Yes. And with all the stupidness in the world.


And mark my words: there must be, just must be, a black hole on to us,

or at least this mysterious other planet earth running into us,

which effects all the people’s mind to go bonkers. Or something like that. It is simply not normal anymore.

Contemplating life… on a sunny day

Again, I woke up, thinking and trying hard to understand, what life is.

Feeling so inefficient and bored and unhappy and wrong in race and wrong as a woman, with no kids and no dreams to come true anymore. Yeah, life sucks. And lost a country on my mindmap whatsoever even more.


Welcome to The Horsemen of the Apocalypse

And nobody noticed, that the terrorists are the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Because, it is the “Angst”, which causes all the terror and the chaos in the world.

First sign of Apocalypse.

And by the way, my dreams that I have regularly,

do point in this direction too. Just let us hope, I won’t live to see that.

Orange skies, stones falling from the sky, no electricity any longer,

and soldiers guarding


Just saying.

Terrorists can be right wing, left wing, the IS, Trump, Clinton, or even just some NSU stupidities. Just my five cents. Or just people, going on to your nerves on the subway.

Terrorists are everywhere and they kill your ear with nonsense. And they will fall the same way as everyone else.

It is the “Angst”, which is in control.