Fighting brain

My brain fights me back
the more I want to forget the pain
the more returns
the pictures
from before my now-life
and jolts me out of my dreams
so suddenly
with all the parties
involved
and all the dishes lying around
on wooden tables
and faces shining up from in front
the camera
I shock and wake up
finding me on a rural road
startled.

I  know people are angry
it sounds so fancy
to me
from behind lee.

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Explanation: lying around means just lying around, not as in “lie” or in “telling around”.  And I don’t want to say fancy as in ” I want people to be angry”… oh, poetry is a difficult task.

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Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.

I have to apologize too… I believe

 

Well,  I apologize.  Although that might not be enough. I know that.

It might have been amicable, yes, I am not sure, anyhow that does not change things and I am not angry (anymore). I never was, more like… not sure.

I just wish I had a memory to what happened really. It is sad, that I can’t remember what happened, I am fighting with my memory but it will not come back. There are just some pictures from dreams,  with fancy surroundings and flats and expensive furniture and so on, and some people in it too, but who can say if they are real… ?

No it’s all gone.. at least for the time being.

Probably I am simply too afraid of anything in life… and I don’t believe in myself at all… so it is my fault and  I overreacted in the end. Or something like that. It’s too long ago to say… I really feel sorry.  Of course not for… well… that it happened? I am simply not sure…

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