.. loosing my ground

I loose ground

and I fall and fall and fall

I think, I’ve  always loved you

and I always will.

And my dreams

show to be real

or better said, to be true.

Where are you.



The somnambulator

Pain is following me in front of my dreams, into my dreams and through my dreams. It almost is my steady attendant, I live all the words I read at these difficult and weird lonely times… obviously….

I woke up shivering with distress and wondering about why I felt so much anguish,   I ran through a place with three other girls, after a woman had asked us to come with her, and we took our seats in a huge room to wait for the audition to begin, (I don’t even know why I was there in the first place since I never wanted to go to any auditions), and there was a horse, that tried to squeeze me to death, but it could be prevented by me since I pushed it’s black fur (or skin) and it felt so warm and balled up and it was so nervous and it was up to kick me with it’s back hooves, while I was sitting in the audition seats, near my two friends who were there too, and suddenly there were two other horses fighting with each other,


threatening me (from the situation) to crush me between them, or to bite me, while they tried to bite each other, or to push me and squeeze me, wobbling around each other, and 1fc42371051cc1bf0d17a25d98529800

I was almost scared to death. That was when I finally woke up. Shivering and jittery.

I know it is alarming when I start to have nightmares over words from books or blogs or people or from voices in real life, which is no longer mine…



building words that build

Your words are building houses, streets or even people,  today  there was smoke and steam or alike – a traveler from distant lands showed up and a girl selling incense sticks got upset at him stepping over her blanket on which she had put all her items to sell… it was a street near my town, where I once lived… and of course there was the element of how it looked before there was even anything build.

Only in my dreams there is no element of aggression. Or only sometimes…

I must get rid of my “hopes” so much. No, they are actually just fantasies, how it might never be, since that is what I am used to.

I hate you. But in a good                       way. satisfaction

My cheeks are so burning.

Lost in fringy wordfindings

Sometimes, the world is so empty without you.

I don’t know who “you” is to me. Is it you? Or is you somewhere else? Where are you?  I am so lost without you, to speak it directly, and you find yourself in my dreams and memories, but I can’t feel you or see you… I don’t have knowledge of your whereabouts, nor do I know if you know about mine…

It is so empty inside of me without you.


A disclaimer: this is NOT a blog from some “squirrel”…

Just to make this perfectly clear.  (I love this word, lol…)

I can only say, well, I want to believe what I believe and I do what I do, and I practice whatever I want, the same way I would let other people do whatever they want  and let them believe whatever they want to believe.

Maybe, people become the impression, I might have contact to a squirrel group or I myself might be a squirrel. Well that is wrong. I never met any Scientologists in my life.   (And this is wrong again, I know… sorry….)  But, well, before that all occurred, I mean.

I was so spiritual my whole life, although I was raised in the catholic faith. (Wrong again, because the school I attended was infiltrated by Scientologists, I think, since my class teacher, who was not a nun like most of the teachers, liked to say ” I only help the able, not the unable”, and I was in her eyes very unable, since I was so shy and so ill with a cold all the time and so weak and just a very sad little girl, she did not like me one bit, and she really only helped the able, so I don’t believe anymore that she was a catholic, after what I learned from books these days. This teacher wanted me to leave the school,  I was not good enough for her… I did leave and ended up having a miserable life due to bad education.)…

So, I make this disclaimer, once and for all: I am not a squirrel, I am only telling stories about my dreams and about how I feel and about what I experience in my life.  I don’t even have these kind of books and nothing is as you might think.  Well, they will notice when they will go through my stuff, after letting themselves in with the new keys they now have. Yes I am not stupid and I can count to two at least.

Very sad, that Scientology finally goes after completely innocent people, who are no squirrels, never spoke out against Scientology,  or did anything against them, nor had the intention to limit them. I am a free person in a free world, and this is a luxury obviously. I am very poor and I would not even be able to get any Scientology courses, and as I mentioned somewhere else, I don’t need them, since I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, and have clairvoyance all my life from a very young age on, without, I repeat, without any  squirrel-like auditing or  from any church.  I just don’t know where it comes from.  For me, it’s a mystery.

For me, it belongs to my life, and this is just a try to explain it to myself, and why and how this can happen, because it startles me too. So, when I speak about it, I only want to make it easier for myself to get a grip on things. Not more, not less. I don’t want to drag people into something. I don’t want to inspire people with it. Nor tell people what kind of “superpowers” there are. It is not a superpower, but a very annoying thing most of the time. Because, the use of it is…?  Yeah, I don’t know either.

And if I want to believe in aliens, so what? If I want to believe in further things? Am I not allowed to do so in my lonely life? With me alone and nobody around, speak, church? So what? I am a solitary, because groups freak me out and in school, they laughed at me, so this is how I prefer to be: alone.  And this is how this all started, I wanted to be alone and someone could not let it go.  I was in a bad mood (after reading some stuff and listening to stuff from youtube, I understand better what this means for Scientologists, and I might be a high risk for any Scientologist, since I am so sad sometimes, and so not open to anyone anymore. I was the most open person in the world, earlier, but that is history, I think…); and I could not understand and not answer perfectly and all was a whole mess, and I made it even messier not answering correctly, I just wanted to have my freedom. Today I know I was in a state where nothing worked and it was simply wrong time wrong place, but that happens in life. I feel sorry for that now, but what can I do?  I was so unfriendly and for him, it was probably like I had a “withhold” (so called, in normal it means probably to not be open enough and to not tell what really was going on, what I did not want to tell, I thought it is only my business.)

I know today, that some people might have written reports about me (very obscure because I am as I mentioned not a Scientologist),  at least that is what I believe happened. Then someone called (Miscavige) got angry or astonished or whatever… and then there it was.  And then it all unfolded to even more mayhem and anger, since I did not get/understand the justice system the Scientologists have, but instead using my own one from the “normal”  Wog world.  No?  Oh, I might never get an answer to that, I must simply try to take it as it is and live with it.


I don’t think there were ever any Scientologists in my life that told me to believe in this or that, e.g. aliens or clairvoyance or any of that stuff or any tec.  I was surrounded by so called Christians. If any, I learned that from my own thoughts, it is how I explain the world to myself, due to experiences, things I saw or lived through, and so on. I did not even watch  alien movies when I started to write down stuff like alien abduction stories (in school for a project, for example) and it basically came out of nowhere.  Yeah, maybe not exactly out of nowhere but that is where the mystery begins, I have no idea.

I just want to say: there is no need to be nervous. But who am I telling this to.  If LRH is nervous, everyone has to be. I understand that.  But to think for yourself has some advantage, just saying.

The word describing all that is: empathy. I want to know things to have empathy towards people, and also for people who believe other things than I do.  Because that is where a peaceful world might start from.






outside of myself

When I was a child, I stepped out of myself so often, that it was almost normal for me, but also quite unpleasant. I was as tiny as a neutron, or let’s say, a tiny dot. That is how it felt… like a tiny, tiny mini ball, very very small, and nothing else. Just as this tiny little thing, and I was floating around the room. I could not understand what it was. I just felt it very often.  I could see the curtain, and I saw things from above somehow, I believe.

Today I think, I might have fainted? But nobody from then told me I did so. Well, I don’t know anymore. But it was this strange feeling, and I can’t deny it. It was nothing special for me, it was the most normal thing in the world for me. I’ve had dreams about stepping out of my body as well, but paid no attention to it, at least not so much. Sometimes I saw myself turn around until I l was upside down, facing down and there was just darkness. Only plain and simple black nothing. But I have had this often when I did meditate. It came when I felt lost, and far away. Well, there are some experiences I had with such feelings, also, while listening to music – the music was the only thing left and I slipped away, slowly from my body or the world, that is a wonderful experience. But I had to come back, obviously, and sadly. I would have liked it if it would have been longer…

Yes, I know how this must sound. But for me it is almost a normal thing, nothing to brag about. To me it’s nothing that I would call  extraordinary.

I never was a very material child. I was kind of unwell with the material world and I am still not comfortable with it. And I guess, I won’t ever be.


The therapy group

And now I also get, why in one of my dreams I was in a “therapy group”, and why the people yelled at me and isolated me while we sat in a room without  any windows and they insulted me, by saying I would stink, they obviously smelled my perfume on me… (hence, they are not allowed to use perfume)… They must have been Sea Org Members or Staff.  So obvious.

I lost most of my memory of course. It was simply  gone. Until now.

But, it is kind of weird, because nothing bad came of it, he is so nice to me… ? I’d still be loyal to him and would probably do what he says, whatever he wants me to do or feel, I think that sounds really like I have been programmed perhaps, but that is how I feel towards him.  It still confuses me. Because what he is concerned, I can’t get angry at him or hate him or anything like that.  Although he probably did what he did.   It is all so weird.  At least it seems so quiet, except for the people that were photographing my street and all that weird stuff going on (not much though). I have this strange feeling of weirdness and being observed, but I try not to let it get  to me. Maybe they would even say, well, she lost her wits and she does not know what she says. Of course they would. But I know who I am and I know how to read my dreams and my own way/state, so I know it can’t be a scam that I just made up. Yes, the incident happened, at least the question and talk part, which was gruesome intense and he would not budge an inch from his questions, I never experienced that before.  I feel like I am trapped in thinking about it, therefore I wanted to distract myself with drawing and so on. But it doesn’t really help yet.

I would still call it a trauma, no matter how much “fun” I might have had (sure, I don’t know that, I wasn’t really “on board”… only my body was, I might have been drugged.) There was even this dream where I got something from him (a good looking guy with a cap on), some sweets or so and I was fending it off but he would not budge but give it to me. I paid no attention to that sequence since I did not understand or attached it to anything. But I guess, everything will return to me eventually. Or at least the most important things. I hope so.

And the blue eyes? Well, I think that is not a mystery either anymore.



Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.

I have to apologize too… I believe


Well,  I apologize.  Although that might not be enough. I know that.

It might have been amicable, yes, I am not sure, anyhow that does not change things and I am not angry (anymore). I never was, more like… not sure.

I just wish I had a memory to what happened really. It is sad, that I can’t remember what happened, I am fighting with my memory but it will not come back. There are just some pictures from dreams,  with fancy surroundings and flats and expensive furniture and so on, and some people in it too, but who can say if they are real… ?

No it’s all gone.. at least for the time being.

Probably I am simply too afraid of anything in life… and I don’t believe in myself at all… so it is my fault and  I overreacted in the end. Or something like that. It’s too long ago to say… I really feel sorry.  Of course not for… well… that it happened? I am simply not sure…





Sleepless in a rough and confused state

I am sleepless due to London. It just haunts me. My thoughts are almost constantly with the people that had to endure all this tragedy.

And fear is spreading inside me like a cancer. It’s the second night in a row that I can’t sleep, no matter what, I have to stay awake, otherwise, I am not sure what might happen. Well, my situation, my living situation is almost the same, only my building is not so high. It just hurts.

What I like about Britain: the Queen is like a mother to her country, she is always there when there is need, somehow always. Well, I am not so well informed. But it seems, as if this is a nice gesture, all the time. My thoughts are therefore also with the Royal Family, no, mostly with the Queen. I think, for her, as she has been going through a fire tragedy as well (not so much tragedy but anyway… you know what I mean), she will hurt as well, I think.

But what also shocks me most, is that the people seem to be treated like “dirt”, as some people say. I know how that feels, been through those moments myself, as I don’t own an own place (great grammar, but so what… 😉  ) , and have to speak to companies who own “my place” normally as well. It is sad, that the world can’t do better….

When I read, that Prince Harry was visiting Borough Market, I was kind of, well, what was going on there, I can’t remember. I am through, I am done, I forget things, because they are too heavy to bare on my back. Have so much on my own back, and I normally hurt when others are hurt, that is my personality, can’t help it. But, we remember, I was sick over this and was unwell the day I heard about it, it struck me kind of hard, so I might just have put it aside, since it was too much.

You can call me a kitschy person. Does me no harm, there is enough already. Well, tells you perhaps where I am, when I call this kitschy, because here, in Germany, never ever would be on one corner at least one person, who would care so much for others, I think, although people are treated like dirt by companies, by important persons with no heart at all, (well, we know London is a money city with interest in money, tells us almost everything…) but there are still enough sweet caring  people who I can’t find here in my country.

Well, I hurt and that is because London and the rest of Britain is always in my dreams, but I can’t reach them. I love London, I love Manchester, and I love the whole of Britain. The whole Kingdom.

And my thoughts are also with Theresa May. She is a strong woman and can cope with the situation, she has a hard time to go through. I feel for her as well, it is not easy what she has to do. But I think, she does a good job. And I also think, oh well, enough now. I don’t want to exaggerate. But with this, in these times, one can’t actually exaggerate at all…  Actually, I wanted to write a post only with the offer of a digital hug to everyone in the world who reads this. Because there is so much mayhem, violence, hurt people and so much death…