the hopelessness of this world

I think, to have intentions brings nothing, as well as to have wishes, the world is just what it is, what is not will never be, and what could be has no options, surely this is the truth…
I learned the hard way, that when you want something, it is hopeless to talk/write about it, because everything comes when it wants or will, I am not able to choose anything or to “make” choices if you will, I am lost in my hopelessness and in the fact, that I am not one of those people the world wants. People want to make choices for the ones, that they don’t consider worthy of decisions, and for all, these people are in the minds, that ugly, third world looking people are not worth anything. So I am not worth of decisions nor am worth anything at all.  This world is disgusting as it is, and will always be, unfair as it is, and the devil has taken over the world for sure… I am not from the evil side, I find the devil disgusting…
Funny that people would suggest me looking like from the evil side, since my looks aren’t angel-like nor am I light as air, so I must be strong and angry therefor bad. Ugly people always go for as bad… this world understands nothing.
You don’t even know how worthy my thoughts are, they are more expensive than the latest Rolex I would say… but I share them anyway.  How lucky you are.
You should spend some appreciation for that….


A metaphorical storytelling

The story I wrote, then, in 2002, or better, from 2002 until 2004, was more written in a metaphorical sense, than about facts or real fiction. At least, that is what I think now. Today, I understand what I meant, when I wrote that “she divorced him, and she lived in a big house full of memories and old furniture, which she was not allowed to sell, and him always allowed to use the house still, even though he did not need the house because he owned five other houses and flats/ apartments. She did not want him to come back but at the same time, she wanted it so bad, and when he showed up, she was confused or even annoyed, because he was so mean to her and he had so much power, she couldn’t even win over him in a jurisdictional manner, because it was his house and she was only allowed through him to live there… She loved him and she hated him (and the same goes for him, he felt the same about her), and he had so expensive lawyers that she was out powered by him… she couldn’t afford a lawyer, and so she waited and waited and tried to find out about her feelings and what she wanted, but also she was struggling with it all because she did not want to lose the house, she loved it so much.” Well, that was the fiction part, I will not go into details, that is too personal. But, the thing is, she was afraid of his power, and one sentence goes like this: ” his lawyers were so expensive, that they were also always the best.”  Another sentence: “the pressure on her began to be stronger and stronger each day, and forced her into an isolation she never would have thought it would exist.”

That he shows up every once in a while means, well, the thoughts I have of him, that I can’t let him go and the whole story, and the house in general means that  I am caged and that it’s like a prison to my thoughts and feelings of the past moment.