Although this is obviously, probably, as serious as hell, I still see it as a game we play. As a very wicked game. You wrap yourself up as me, and turn it around, then I have to watch from the other side, which, in my forgetfulness, is difficult as hell again. Again, it’s a wicked and spooky game. Not more, not less…
When I want to look up a word, I mostly forget it the minute I hit the site, where I want to look it up.
Then it turns out to be like in a mirror cabinet. Soo many possibilities, so many odds. Then I have to return to your page, and suddenly, either you changed something or it looks completely the opposite or different meaning to me, now understanding some of the words… Tricky.
My body hurts today, like if I did not move it for a year or so. I did though, move it, yesterday (now the day before yesterday, okay, but anyway)…
The game is hurtful and stressful to me, and to you this must sound like I have something to keep away from you, which I don’t. I think, it’s the other way round, and I will never see what it is… I don’t know why you hate me so much. Does it have to be?
The point is, that I don’t know what the point is. And that I did announce to close this site a million times (or so it seemed).
But what can you do? You could and never will hurt me really, this is only a digital tiger, is it. Only by words and mindfuck you can hurt me… you could never torture me really. I don’t fear that. I might fear the psychological effects this game has, since I take it quiet seriously. Yes I understand, that I am not your number 1. I understand that I am less than anything for you. I understand you take me as a toy. And I understand, you say “my” as in “hers”, or “me” as in “she”. By the time I get angry, I am all clear that it is the other way round.
And yet. It’s a tricky game whatsoever.