The Vulnerable

being at my most vulnerable
the danger is, if someone hot comes along
I might fall
for him
and I so don’t want that
life is so tricky
why is it so tricky
it absolutely makes no sense
not in this life
stories form in my head
and I fell much too often
yet
I can’t take the brutal life anymore
there must be some lightness
or lightning might strike just as well
oh I am just bored I guess.

the Dark Side

from all the negative thoughts in my head
I cannot decide for the life of it
which one I should write down
here on my dark site
at this late hour.

full on

the world would be full of possibilities
if it wasn’t me that does not have them
if I just didn’t knew who I was
I’d be able to forget, that I am not able to do anything
like a bumblebee does
but I know who I am
and that is the problem
I fit nowhere, to no one
zero places for me
zero jobs for me
zero acknowledgements
for the likes of me -yet there is only one
it’s not only in my head
it comes from outside
I was educated to be wrong
wherever I went, wherever I will ever go
there are no platitudes, therapies or studies helping
with the issues at hand
I live in a desert
hot sand at my feet
I am lost to the world
out of reach, the world to me
when I finally go, I will know, many people had opportunities
just it wasn’t me
I had the wrong skin color, wrong eyes, wrong background,
wrong parents, wrong education, wrong body, wrong hair
wrong start, wrong birthplace, wrong family
if nothing matches, you cannot be somebody
on this planet
there are only boundaries
but no freedom
humans are illusional
and teach their brat to be
delusional
humanity never knew anything besides that
some live inside the delusion fine
and are dying fine inside the illusion of their lifes
’cause the happenstance of being all right with everything needed
was just the right way to make it right
while all I was, was a failure – the mistake that no one wanted to take
but when you don’t see the failure, it doesn’t exist
yet my remains will tell of this mistake
no love can ever heal
that amount of pain life gave me
that unfairness I had to endure
I write to make them all remind of that
to not forget all the suffering
the system made me have
there can’t be any forgiving towards the system
to destroy innocent lifes
to let humans suffer for the righteousness of others
just to make them feel in the right
while all they do is leave behind the weak, the inappropriate
while they promised us freedom, love and kindness
the christian way
then we learned it never existed anywhere when you were not fitting in
which I nowhere do nor ever will
I am not fitting
I just have a fit about that
I will leave the world disappointed
so disappointed about everything.

scent memory

just the fact
that you remember a scent
in my home
proofs it real
how else would you even get the smell
to describe
my pain is so big
due to your words
I feel
I disappoint you
while I am still longing
knowing, you detest bad smells, especially
those, who you do not like
it was only the Christmas scent
to make it more like Christmas
why do you give me all that pain
still
I try to get my head around
the reality, that you made yourself at home
apparently
your words
and now, talking about the Christmas candles
that were still in our living room
you are insane

so sad so sad so sad am I
reading of ends
spooks me out, just terribly hurting
I want to hear you in real
not sleeping through situations
you are my all
and I hate myself for it
for all the hopeless dreaming
how can this not hurt
I want to stop liking you
but I can’t, it does not look like it
it’s just deep inside me
is it real at all
or am I aiming wrong again
I just want to be happy
so were you here
or were you not
eventually
there won’t be an answer
of course
but I guess, a horse wouldn’t get one from his master either
it would just feel, less alone see it
I wish I just knew
but again, I can’t ever know, I am so lost
so terribly lost in your head
I guess I am making you bigger than you are
in my head
why why why – I never wanted to fall again
what others might perceive as evil
I call it my need.

fear

the inevitable
is what I don’t believe
will ever happen
though
fear is growing
it hurts me bittersweet
already
all of it
I don’t know where I am
or if I am to believe
to have to await
I am just going to not believe
it is going to happen
’cause
a certain someone
wouldn’t be so insane
as well as not capable of
doing so
yet
I just hope to escape with bruises
or rather, not anything at all
not for mercy begging
cause I am too proud
as a certain someone would have guessed
trembling no doubt
while I don’t understand myself
what makes me so
since
you so far away, no harm can be done
I am all safe
from your dreams

I can’t eat
I can’t sleep properly
I can’t believe
I do not take it
I am just illusional
and full of imaginations
and it’s cold, so cold
I am far too wobbling
nothing you can do to me
you never would
or otherwise I would fight
don’t underestimate
my will to fight back
while all is nonsense
my head is in the clouds
and will be for a while
I am all in love
and I don’t know even why.

from getting up
to sitting here
to later on
all thoughts alike
why why why
when it is so wrong
and I can’t help myself
what is wrong with me
I know, it is nothing but nonsense
it usually always is
this time especially
nothing else in my head
for today.

the truth – a glimpse

I know there won’t be many to believe me. I do not know what it is myself, that I am a dreamer of that manner every now and then. But I am.
I dream of things to come, I dream of things that passed,
in reality and beyond.
I do that. There is no denying of these circumstances… even if I wish I could deny all that. All the horrible truths coming to me without asking for them.
Or, in this case, I did indeed ask for some answers. Sometimes, they listen and sometimes they ignore me. But when there is such darkness around them and they are so alone, insecure and feeling totally cut off from life, from everything, they sometimes take the chance, asking me to help them, or at least to give them some answers. Which I seldom have, the answers mostly come from the other side. From them.

I am writing down this dream I had, I just do it now. It hurt me a lot, but I need to get it out there. I need to give full credit, so it wasn’t in vain. I took up so much pain, all the emotions and had to go through for them. But always when it is over, it is good. It is strenuous, but rewarding in the end. So they can go and be in more peace than before.

I was sitting in a small space with somebody else. He was a tall man, with sort of a presence on him. He was wearing a checked shirt of blue and red checks, his hair was dark, middle long cut, he was wearing a cap too. I felt good and safe in his presence, we were only talking. He grinned, he smiled brightly, wide and his eyes were lit. He was sort of expecting something of me. He gave me the feeling that I could relax and had not to fear anything. I was wearing a short dress of some sort, it was warm. Suddenly he tried to kiss me, his hands touched my hips ( I was lying on the side towards him, we were very relaxed, our legs stretched.), I said “no!”, trying to push him back. He tried again. I was in no mood for anything like that. I just wanted to feel safe and talk with him. He tried again, I tried to fend him off again. He got angry all of a sudden, his eyes were only slits and his grin grew into a horrendous ghastly grimace, I will never forget that grimace. He yelled at me: ” so you just going to reject me?!? you little bitch!” I do not remember so much if the word was bitch exactly, but he used definitely a not very nice word. I was so scared like never before in my life. I said ” I do not want to.”
He then took my face fiercely into his hands, grabbed me at the chin with two hands, and said in a brutal tone: “I will show you what it means to reject someone like me!!!” Then it was all dark. The dream has ended.
I think, he smashed the head onto something… right there at the very moment. It all happened so fast… dreams can be so precise and at the same time so loose.

That was the dream I was having. I cried when I was remembering the dream, after I went through it again in my mind later on. It was like a vision then. I cried heavily for nearly half an hour. I never felt so used, never felt so distraught, I never had so much fright in my whole life! I did not feel dead. I did not know it was an ending before. But then I was surely aware. I do not want to go through something like that ever again in my whole life. I just said no and this man did not accept my no. He hurt me like nobody ever before. But I felt so good in his presence before, I thought I was safe with him. I was hurting before so much and thought, this man would listen to me. Everything was good with him until this moment. (I don’t know where I got to know him, well the real me, [me, who writes that and dreamed the dream of course] had no idea about what happened rightly before these moments and afterwards.)
Maybe I should mention that after that I dreamed of a hotel and a teacher, a school for kids or something, that was all quite blurry afterwards.

I think, always when a dream ends after such hefty moments, I die. I think it is that the people I dream for, are dead, coming to tell me their story, how they died and such. I don’t know exactly, I can only presume, but since I do not know any of the participants of the dreams, especially here, I guess it is their story not mine. They use me as a body to feel once again and I grant them that, but it is pain and I do not have control over it at all, I rather do not want to have this painful, hurting experiences.
I know it will never stop. I know it will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I am just in between, between the line of life and death, in the middle of going and staying, so they have it easy to find me, I think.
All these raw emotions, they were like crushing me this time. Like he crushed her, after she refused him. I know what happened, we three know and we always will, no matter what happens in the real world outside their now realm.
I know I won’t be able to add to the story, to help those who are currently wronged by society, but I want at least say, this is how I think it happened and they told me themselves. Judge for yourself, but don’t think your judgement must have been always right… only the dead can tell.

yet, again

I am wonderingandwonderingandwondering
backandforthandbackandforth
one minute I read that
the other, I read this
can’t put my head around it
but I wish I could
is it because it’s not my native tongue
or
my twirling twisting thoughts
yeah I am not perfect
just here
which doesn’t mean
I am same outside
or
elsewhere
now the pain all overly begins after all again…
yet, again…

too familiar this is
is it to be happy
or to be deeply sad
is it mine or others’
what should I read?
I think I know though
complicated worlds
one should refrain from that
it sounds dangerous.
it is, profound
we all know
it is all red everywhere on the ground
whywhywhywhywhywhy
I won’t fall like that
I won’t
I don’t
get a thing.
too proud
still
while “mine” doesn’t cut it
alright
confused
I can’t stop my mouth, I can’t
not even stop my inner mind
so when will I ever get off
from this
luckily this isn’t real
and I can still use my mouth
to speak the truth here
although
in a very despondent manner
although I already knew
since
I can put two and two together.

while I should probably be thankful you sort of “hate” me
otherwise
where would I stay…
not that I ask for it
I have never been this con-fused
before.

the cruise

was it me who fell from the ship
or was it “you”
someone else
it was me I reckon
I see how I was betrayed
you can tell me verything
I couldn’t hold you back
I would not be able to tell the difference
since all can be true
I fell into the water
saw the ship sail
don’t tell me otherwise
it was me not “you”
no matter: we can’t turn back the time
I fell from the ship and hurt my head
the trauma is perfect
all fits
together
nothing is as it should
but everybody covers the truths
memory will never come back to me
I might not be able to get it back
never in my time
we played we screamed we rowed
then I jumped
or was pushed – who can tell
the shock frosted me
my mind to be unrestored
to your luck.

proof is my daily life
as my brain doesn’t function
the way it should do
and it did before
function very well
such a deep well
we all fell in.

sweets

I would love to “obey”
but if I can?
to love I mean
this is the morning
so my brain has a cold start
I wish it wasn’t only all in my head
what did you pay your mercenaries
so they would go over this line to do what they did?
was it much?
or are they not entitled enough
to requisition all that value
I know you think what a lip
again I might have taken a sip
of their dropping water
or was it sweets?
again all these questions
in my head
I give you myself
in case you try to be nice to me
I know you are only sarcastic
especially with those hips
I might never do
and we all know
this is more pain than I can ever bear
it started with you that I might admit
but you are with someone else
going all over me
so sick in all it’s craziness
and then all those babies in the doing
how much am I supposed to sustain
all that pain
the world will go round and round and round
for a very long time still since ever
but I don’t want to hear it
do an old man a favour
is asked of me,
galore…
from this, I fall down and look up
to all your glories
while I am nothing, only born to “obey”
riding on the wave of despondency
falling and falling and falling
every time
I want to “obey” – but I don’t know to whom?
no, that is a lie – I am still conceited
am I not?
I seem to love you still… with all my forlornness
and I don’t want to give you less
than what you deserve:
it is much more than I am worth…
okay. it is assured.
whenever the dream might end
I will give you “obey”… but only then.
we should now go back to what is real,
because I will always ever sit where I sit
and you will run whereever you now run
with babies in your arm
laughing at me from afar
like today in all those poetic rhyming
please stop the jibe
one day
why oh why?

K is not my name

I can’t help it that I accidently usually hit the nail on the head
and the dagger into the middle of my heart
like always
all of which does the hat  know?
what I do and where I am at
I am so lost
not always do they nail it right
this time they don’t
although it makes me think what if my name was exactly that
of what said the white or black hat
would it be that way
or would it be the other way
it is a tough call  I would never do
I am just too shy and scared most of the day
I know my life was a failure and no grand achievements
not even kids or a man
I wish they would just let me admire the  achievements of others
those with courage
but truly, it is all about the head
and what is inside.

so, basically, Karen is not my name…