Cut off from my branch, cut off from air and hope, I sit in my room and wait for the next bad news, my heart goes slower and I feel insecure and sorry. I feel ugly, and so insufficient. I am tired of writing negative things and I feel so trapped inside my room, full loneliness is washing over me and nothing is about to change anymore… I feel like Tess of the Durbervilles, well her name was Durbyfield, but anyway… she was abandoned too at some points in her life…
I ask myself: who am I? What am I? I can’t find out what it is, or who I am. Feeling lost is not what I am. Feeling loved is not what I am either. And beautiful – I am not either. But this all is the requirements for a life like this. Whatever life that is. Okay, the exact opposites of course.
Whereas- I should be the happiest person on the planet, somehow… some of my life goals are fulfilled, one way or the other, but while loneliness is still the main part in my life, it does not look like it at all, it seems so wrong at this moment.
It is still 3 weeks until the new furniture arrives, and until then I will live in my chaos, hoping one day it will look a bit like a normal place… but still, it does not look as if I have my life under control. I am a chaos-queen, and I am a “junkie” too, you know. My drug is here to find on this site. But I won’t give it away. (Lol, that was almost funny again.)
I am in every aspect a total nut-job, and soo far away from a normal life as possible. There is just no point in hiding it anymore, since I lost all hope in almost everything. I feel some tension around everything, why does it have to hurt so much all the time?
So, it took me at least two years to understand what happened in my life over the last three years. That is interesting. And I am between telling it all and shying away from open up because I am shit-scared… I am not a pussy, or better, coward. But I am not interested in some more disgusting events. I won’t be taken away another time or humiliated in front of every one, nor am I used for anything… it just won’t happen. I am so empty all of a sudden. I don’t know, shall I be happy to have lost a child again or better be glad for it, not to have come onto the world through such circumstances? Well, currently I am not gone crazy yet. But it is definitely on the agenda.
I keep having dreams about this kid. And about him. But it is just dreams. Not reality. At least I hope so… I know that it’s off to write/speak about it in the open, but well, I actually don’t care anymore, because I’d be the only one who cares obviously. And I honestly won’t care anymore if any scientologist might be offended by the way I see the world. That I might be abberated or whatever, just because I still have feelings, which I show. I don’t care. Because I think it is wrong to let your feelings be washed away to turn a human being into a robot, that has no heart any longer, but keeps bringing in a tec. I don’t care anymore. Since I am alone (did not have a boyfriend) anyway and always was, from the moment this all started on until now. I always was on my own.
I might be a destroyed human being, but I still breathe and as long as I do so, I will write and talk and I will listen to people who suffered from Scientology and who were treated unfairly, just like I was. Honestly, I liked this guy so much and he did this to me, I still can’t understand the world. And those German people back in my time, well, I will not talk about them so much anymore because it makes my stomach turn, I think that was the most unpleasant episode of my life which was probably also my last, at least in the job sector! So it is going to stay back there, and I will forget it eventually, because it’s not worth to ponder on it too much. They destroyed my image and I think it is on them that I don’t find anything here anymore. But I think they were really getting it wrong, the world and how it works and why people have to be treated with respect and not looked down upon. But they will never understand.
Also they will never understand that a person is not slow that is thorough, but they learn differently and will have their own views, but I was deeply hurt by their grading system, or at least their system. They degraded me just after a few moments of prejudice and I think that is deeply to condemn, deeply to denounce. I find Scientology deeply disturbing because it is so judgemental, and it hurts people and degrades them in an unknown scale, some people will suffer from that and take it to their heart, as I did also. I feel so irritated by that all. So eventually, I will not think about it further, because it can really in the end destroy me and the believe in myself. Besides, I find German Scientologists are a big concern because they pick on the Nazi stuff, the way American Scientologist never could. I think that is completely different turf, and the Americans always had something going for them, but not the Germans. So yes, I think I differ between them and I met the German ones, which is obviously not the same. But that is my personal thoughts. Nobody needs to understand this.
Since I live here in Germany sadly and I know what it means to not getting jobs or anything only because one does not fit into the system. They do it here with severe pressure and as I said, I did not like that. I condemn them for it extremely. And I will not forgive. In the end it is their fault, that this in the aftermath all happened, that I was left alone with horrible events that took place while on my job environment, and loosing again another baby/embryo, which has no romantic note whatsoever. And how can they give people drugs while allegedly working against it?? They are evil.
And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…
We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.
I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…
But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…
Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….
And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.
But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.
Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight. Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me. And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on, I take it. I am also very playful at times. 🙂
But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…
But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.
I am out of order. I am tired. I don’t sleep anymore. It is becoming a drag, very slowly but yes, somehow nothing works anymore, in the morning I am like dust and in the evening, I try not to fall asleep, because I am so fearful of death, while nobody cares here anyway. I feel like am totally worthless, and they let me know that, while treating me like dirt. I don’t visit a doctor, because I can’t trust them. I don’t call anybody anymore, because I don’t want to be hurt. At the same time, I want to get out of my life as it is, therefore I have to contact people. But I don’t trust anyone. I know everybody hates me, or at least, has enough of me. It is an imminent feeling. At the same time, everybody around me is sick, leaning on me like I am the strongest person on earth, with no needs at all. I don’t talk to them, at least not on the phone or directly. But text messages are too much too. I just want out of everything, out of this world, this planet, and out of this universe maybe.
I guess, you know it when it becomes too much. You know, when you are one too many. I’ll have to pack my things and go, but I don’t see why I should do that, it’s just giving up and ending up all things, not a new start or a hope for a new life somewhere, because there is nowhere to go. All about me is all wrong, never mind where I go.
I can’t stop the demons from haunting me (my bad ex-boyfriends who just are about themselves and tease me), there are no new people in sight and the house I live in is cursed. I really think about buying a trekking backpack, instead of new furniture, and just leaving everything, hiking trough the world. With no destination. Because nothing makes sense anymore.
I am sleepless due to London. It just haunts me. My thoughts are almost constantly with the people that had to endure all this tragedy.
And fear is spreading inside me like a cancer. It’s the second night in a row that I can’t sleep, no matter what, I have to stay awake, otherwise, I am not sure what might happen. Well, my situation, my living situation is almost the same, only my building is not so high. It just hurts.
What I like about Britain: the Queen is like a mother to her country, she is always there when there is need, somehow always. Well, I am not so well informed. But it seems, as if this is a nice gesture, all the time. My thoughts are therefore also with the Royal Family, no, mostly with the Queen. I think, for her, as she has been going through a fire tragedy as well (not so much tragedy but anyway… you know what I mean), she will hurt as well, I think.
But what also shocks me most, is that the people seem to be treated like “dirt”, as some people say. I know how that feels, been through those moments myself, as I don’t own an own place (great grammar, but so what… 😉 ) , and have to speak to companies who own “my place” normally as well. It is sad, that the world can’t do better….
When I read, that Prince Harry was visiting Borough Market, I was kind of, well, what was going on there, I can’t remember. I am through, I am done, I forget things, because they are too heavy to bare on my back. Have so much on my own back, and I normally hurt when others are hurt, that is my personality, can’t help it. But, we remember, I was sick over this and was unwell the day I heard about it, it struck me kind of hard, so I might just have put it aside, since it was too much.
You can call me a kitschy person. Does me no harm, there is enough already. Well, tells you perhaps where I am, when I call this kitschy, because here, in Germany, never ever would be on one corner at least one person, who would care so much for others, I think, although people are treated like dirt by companies, by important persons with no heart at all, (well, we know London is a money city with interest in money, tells us almost everything…) but there are still enough sweet caring people who I can’t find here in my country.
Well, I hurt and that is because London and the rest of Britain is always in my dreams, but I can’t reach them. I love London, I love Manchester, and I love the whole of Britain. The whole Kingdom.
And my thoughts are also with Theresa May. She is a strong woman and can cope with the situation, she has a hard time to go through. I feel for her as well, it is not easy what she has to do. But I think, she does a good job. And I also think, oh well, enough now. I don’t want to exaggerate. But with this, in these times, one can’t actually exaggerate at all… Actually, I wanted to write a post only with the offer of a digital hug to everyone in the world who reads this. Because there is so much mayhem, violence, hurt people and so much death…
Well… nobody reads me, but I know that already. Most people misunderstand me, obviously. My writing is too depressive, so people are appalled by me and think bad of me. I know that as well, for sure. Well, somebody told me. That there is sometimes humor, nobody notices. I feel invisible anyway, but that goes to show, that people talk about the parallel societies, which breed in some extend terrorism, so there is a general suspicion about people like me, who are not involved in any society whatsoever. Does not matter if you are born in the country you live in or not… it is more evident, that people hurt your feelings as a not fitting in person. Yes, nobody speaks to me, that is the normal way… a world that gets darker ever day, while people tend to compare themselves to me, while they don’t even have the same problems like the so called aliens, or in Europe, foreigners, or even mixed races. In my childhood, people treated me the same way the would treat other children, thinking, the background was not even interesting, but it is. It is appalling to forget the background of a person, and tell them, well, you simply have something like a adjustment disorder, while it is all about being not accepted as a part of the “normal” society… Expecting, that a foreign child or a foreign person has the same things to manage as the “normal” residents, is extraordinarily stupid. But, societies breed their own terrorism with not educating their own stupid children about acceptance, love, understanding and integration. I am not sorry for them.
Well, writing does not help, as always. We are doomed anyway. At least the mixed races people and all the aliens and foreigners. Maybe, I should have made a disclaimer, that all this was only for the ones with the same background as me. Sadly enough, that people need disclaimers all the time, that they use not to think on their own, which results in being insulted (at least they feel that way), which is just stupid.
Disclaimer: sometimes you can stumble about some sarcasm in my blog, mixed with some humble humor. Beware.
Like if I lived in Wayward Pines. Really.
The same isolation to the rest of the world, that is what I feel. And out there, are those dangers, that I can’t come over with. My place, the small town I live in, is so ugly and so boring and so closed in on me, that it feels like if I were claustrophobic, it just hurts.
Yes, I might live in Wayward Pines. That is it. Must be…
Since the rest of the world might not even exist for me, I can’t climb over the fence and will always have to stay where I am, it is so unfair. I could scream every day.
Ach, the world is down anyways, so it might as well be okay. But I hate it nevertheless.
I feel tense. My muscles hurt and are so tightly wound. Is it because America makes me nervous? Is it because everything in the world is so crazy? How do I know.