still adoring

I hope you still understand my writings
as something as adorishments
by me
I still look up to you
but you don’t look at me anymore
and to survive my pain
I have to cage my emotions in
please forgive me
my dramatix
and all the nottherebeings.
But I wonder
why do you make me write
while you are gone
with another
and me still wandering in the mist
of rhymes and words and texts and funs
it was never my intention to hurt you
I guess I was only loosing it
after I lost you.


—-..— you did no wrongs


From one perspective, things can be so unluringly right
whereas from another perspective
and from another side
to take it from me was wrong to me
or so it seems
but on both sides there are no bad intentions
just emotions
that just went out of hand
and hurt both sides
the same way.


I know my thoughts are demanded for
but I have to search for them
or no: I was speaking of my emotions
which I mix up ever so often
with my thoughts
writing them down
as if to throw them away
and hoping
they are not used as pictures too much
same not being looked at miserably
from atop
me looking up in fear
and in synonyms for roads
sometimes I just take the wrong turn

I thought I was alone
you denied
I thought you were making fun of my
but no
it is all true
my “new” birthmark
explains it all…

I sometimes read words in poems
that come directly from my thoughts
I wonder
how you do that
somnambulists are walking my dreams
and through my head

Me working on aspects
of the whole part
after all the pain
is just down my throat now
but it is luring in a corner
and I fear my pain
to come back
for me
obviously this is not an option
and in my quietness I find comfort
my zone
that I don’t desire to leave
might it be wrong or less accepted
I just imagine the walls of my room are as wide as the world…



tomorrow I will travel
with sorrow
into my past
I am alone now
and with others
I will be even more lonely
but you have a
I wish you
good luck
I am bare of feelings
or emotions
because it hurts so much
though I am kind of roughly
chaotic inside.


I wish I could show my fear
but I am not in the mood
to let you know.

I know you want to tell me off
but you know
I know already
that you and me
will never be
I know
you like to hurt me
with her
but she is not my concern
and I won’t care
my heart explodes

The me-you-me game

Although this is obviously, probably, as serious as hell, I still see it as a game we play. As a very wicked game.  You wrap yourself up as me, and turn it around, then I have to watch from the other side, which, in my forgetfulness, is difficult as hell again. Again, it’s a wicked and spooky game. Not more, not less…
When I want to look up a word, I mostly forget it the minute I hit the site, where I want to look it up.
Then it turns out to be like in a mirror cabinet. Soo many possibilities, so many odds. Then I have to return to your page, and suddenly, either you changed something or it looks completely the opposite or different meaning to me, now understanding some of the words… Tricky.
My body hurts today, like if I did not move it for a year or so. I did though, move it, yesterday (now the day before yesterday, okay, but anyway)…
The game is hurtful and stressful to me, and to you this must sound like I have something to keep away from you, which I don’t. I think, it’s the other way round, and I will never see what it is… I don’t know why you hate me so much.  Does it have to be?

The point is, that I don’t know what the point is. And that I did announce to close this site a million times (or so it seemed).
But what can you do? You could and never will hurt me really, this is only a digital tiger, is it. Only by words and mindfuck you can hurt me… you could never torture me really. I don’t fear that.  I might fear the psychological effects this game has, since I take it quiet seriously. Yes I understand, that I am not your number 1. I understand that I am less than anything for you. I understand you take me as a toy.  And I understand, you say “my” as in “hers”, or “me” as in “she”.  By the time I get angry, I am all clear that it is the other way round.
And yet. It’s a tricky game whatsoever.

A world at war and me inbetween

There is a world at war
and me inbetween
there are families destroyed
and children alone
and death and destruction
and a polluted air
and so much hurt
that I think
to myself
I should not
take offence
of obsidouries
and oddities
and silly insults
which do not count
in a world distracted
by war
so heavily.

Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.