Dream of a shark

I dreamed of a shark lately

someone fought with it

on the beach

where it showed to be bigger than anything

and there was no horse in my dream

nor any bad elements

only water

whereas I am dry

and lost.

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Scared

Now I sit alone in my flat, which isn’t really my flat at all (from relatives)

and I know am at a point

where everything is lost or could be lost

I am a robot today

and I have no tears

only, they will come sooner or later…

The quietness in the apartment is spooky in a way…

I don’t know what to do next.

When everything is over in another context

I am over too.

But that is life

obviously.

 

So many sorrows

I just want to say a sorry  — for I have so many sorrows —- my mind is going up an down — for it is not so many lights up here — I fear the night and more revenge — I found some treasures yet today (or yesterday) — they washed me away like nothing else — my heart is so big that I might drown inside — for less ideas I could not have had — it shocks me right away — the tide is washing tears hereby — and I fear to have lost you again once more — I do not want to die from it.reflection_030411a00250e445eb7337f8391c77faa41I really really do not want to have it like this…15d82f8213c2e98331b26e72518b5c8a

…Everything

You’re like the warmest place in life

you are an adrenaline to me

you’re the eagle that is stronger and faster than a beagle

and my biggest longing and my sheerest fear,

also you’re the word-machine that makes me think all day

and question me as well

so that I rather dwell

inside your thoughts

so that I could get it better,

you’re the one I fear the most

and thought that I had lost

once in another land.

You’re the one that makes me mad

the thing you make with your tongue

it makes me long

and through the mist of yesterday I see the haste

that we were in.

You tell me stories forgotten by me

you call me a tree.

You are beyond every waters

that I want to dive into

and there are signs of it.

Besides, you are my eye… or eyes rather.

satisfaction

the wolf that follows me and fools me

that is you,

and sometimes I see your teeth blank

that gives me a stitch

which hurts or pleases

and then stays for a while.

I dive into an ocean of words

that I forget my chores.

And when the darkness of water closes over me

you will be there holding me

in your arms so strong.

You are the moon:

always there but I won’t be able to see you most of the time

and your light is bright and wide

you are everything.

 

 

I’m trapped inside loneliness

Cut off from my branch, cut off from air and hope, I sit in my room and wait for the next bad news, my heart goes slower and I feel insecure and sorry.  I feel ugly, and so insufficient. I am tired of writing negative things and I feel so trapped inside my room, full loneliness is washing over me and nothing is about to change anymore…  I feel like Tess of the Durbervilles, well her name was Durbyfield, but anyway… she was abandoned too at some points in her life…

I ask myself: who am I? What am I? I can’t find out what it is, or who I am. Feeling lost is not what I am. Feeling loved is not what I am either. And beautiful – I am not either. But this all is the requirements for  a life like this. Whatever life that is. Okay, the exact opposites of course.

Whereas- I should be the happiest person on the planet, somehow… some of my life goals are fulfilled, one way or the other, but while loneliness is still the main part in my life, it does not look like it at all, it seems so wrong at this moment.

It is still 3 weeks until the new furniture arrives, and until then I will live in my chaos, hoping one day it will look a bit like a normal place… but still, it does not look as if I have my life under control. I am a chaos-queen, and I am a “junkie” too, you know. My drug is here to find on this site. But I won’t give it away. (Lol, that was almost funny again.)

I am in every aspect a total nut-job, and soo far away from a normal life as possible. There is just no point in hiding it anymore, since I lost all hope in almost everything.  I feel some tension around everything, why does it have to hurt so much all the time?

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He’s the only one that “knows” me

Why is my world so crazy? Why is it so difficult to understand? Everything is so weird all the time… Days gone by and I still don’t get everything? I ask myself so many questions, I dare not to take it to others… There was pain, and there was joy, there was fun and there was mischief, there were big eyes and wry looks, there were unspoken hostilities and spoken denials. It was a world full of difficulties, lies and misunderstandings. There were people where they should not have been, and so much which is not told yet.   How to get through all this jungle? How to fully recover from it? How to explain things to people that have grown into liked people?

How can I put aside the trouble I am in? Why should I change from being a child, that is purely speaking it’s momentarily mind? I’m a child by nature. But I love so deeply, and in a way that is obviously new to me. I feel so lost. So lost in this outer world, which does not understand me either… I should think, I am not lonely, but I am, it feels that way. I am lonely each day. I sit here alone and stare at the wall, but it can’t give me any answers… nor does it vanish from it’s own. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it is not there anymore and I can see other places, but they are too far away to reach…  I know that writing this will not change anything, it only explains how my heart is bleeding.  It explains also how deep it is. I did not know that either.

I don’t know what came over me all the time, writing stuff that simply hurts people, because that is not me…. but well, it doesn’t change anything… does it? I lost you, I lost a whole world.   In my world all my rivers are red. But they are also red, because I am much too emotional all the time.

I believe, you are the only one that knows me. At least that goes for some areas of mine… For me, that was always something special, something that was meant for just one very special person.

I just want to love in my world.  And I want to play…

 

 

 

Lost in fringy wordfindings

Sometimes, the world is so empty without you.

I don’t know who “you” is to me. Is it you? Or is you somewhere else? Where are you?  I am so lost without you, to speak it directly, and you find yourself in my dreams and memories, but I can’t feel you or see you… I don’t have knowledge of your whereabouts, nor do I know if you know about mine…

It is so empty inside of me without you.

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outside of myself

When I was a child, I stepped out of myself so often, that it was almost normal for me, but also quite unpleasant. I was as tiny as a neutron, or let’s say, a tiny dot. That is how it felt… like a tiny, tiny mini ball, very very small, and nothing else. Just as this tiny little thing, and I was floating around the room. I could not understand what it was. I just felt it very often.  I could see the curtain, and I saw things from above somehow, I believe.

Today I think, I might have fainted? But nobody from then told me I did so. Well, I don’t know anymore. But it was this strange feeling, and I can’t deny it. It was nothing special for me, it was the most normal thing in the world for me. I’ve had dreams about stepping out of my body as well, but paid no attention to it, at least not so much. Sometimes I saw myself turn around until I l was upside down, facing down and there was just darkness. Only plain and simple black nothing. But I have had this often when I did meditate. It came when I felt lost, and far away. Well, there are some experiences I had with such feelings, also, while listening to music – the music was the only thing left and I slipped away, slowly from my body or the world, that is a wonderful experience. But I had to come back, obviously, and sadly. I would have liked it if it would have been longer…

Yes, I know how this must sound. But for me it is almost a normal thing, nothing to brag about. To me it’s nothing that I would call  extraordinary.

I never was a very material child. I was kind of unwell with the material world and I am still not comfortable with it. And I guess, I won’t ever be.

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Dictatorship is overrated in a humpty dumpty world

Clickbait. You got it…. lol…

No, really.

First thing: Meryl Streep is a wonderful woman.

I always new that.

When I read about her, of her, see her movies, I am in tears.

She is so wonderful, her soul is most wonderful and that is what she shows in her movies.

Never let anyone think differently.

Thank you, Meryl Streep, I had wonderful times watching your movies and you are NOT overrated.

Second thing: I don’t understand the world anymore. Who is in favor of whom, who is against who, what is happening out of what reason, it is all so crazy…

Third thing: well… I think, I am out of things. 9

The only thing, that is probably still important: I might have to buy more popcorn. Since the world is up down, it is at least interesting and exciting again, not so boring anymore. Well, the world was somewhat exciting all the time, but now, it has skyrocketed, and we all now it will become even more “humptydumpty”.09bf7c99dc3458ab815711e44f9e83fd

“And it get’s weirder and weirder….” 286

At least, I can watch CNN and TV5 again. Yes, I bought a new TV, and it feels like wrong, but I can’t wait “knowing” more again. I just don’t believe nobody anything anymore. That is probably the better way.

Oh, yes, there is another thing: I don’t like the idea, of another country  (the USA, there you have it)  developing into another dictatorship. No, I am not scared, or afraid, as I already mentioned. I come from a country where there is a dictatorship already (no, I was not born there), so I know what it is all about. Disgusting new world.

We won’t step back from our voices, never.

Never.

And I can’t understand, why a critical voice always means generally, that someone lost or lost it or is against someone (special…). Well, that sounds like some very narcissistic behavior. What is probably okay, but not so much on an international political turf… sorry, but that is the way a very unimportant person like me sees the whole thing. Sorry, I will never keep my mouth shut, only people might have to find other ways to assure that. ?  And I am old enough, unimportant enough, I don’t have a family and nobody will ever miss me. Since, nobody likes me. And, plus that, I am all “average” anyway.

(giggling terribly)

Well, we will see how much grumpier and “humptydumpier” the world will become.

(oh my god, I did not mean “special” as in “special”. You work it out yourself.. very, very good that I am not one being in the spotlight at any time, or in society, talking to many people, because that would become very embarrassing after a while… this always happens to me. No, I do not “apologize”.)

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