A metaphorical storytelling

The story I wrote, then, in 2002, or better, from 2002 until 2004, was more written in a metaphorical sense, than about facts or real fiction. At least, that is what I think now. Today, I understand what I meant, when I wrote that “she divorced him, and she lived in a big house full of memories and old furniture, which she was not allowed to sell, and him always allowed to use the house still, even though he did not need the house because he owned five other houses and flats/ apartments. She did not want him to come back but at the same time, she wanted it so bad, and when he showed up, she was confused or even annoyed, because he was so mean to her and he had so much power, she couldn’t even win over him in a jurisdictional manner, because it was his house and she was only allowed through him to live there… She loved him and she hated him (and the same goes for him, he felt the same about her), and he had so expensive lawyers that she was out powered by him… she couldn’t afford a lawyer, and so she waited and waited and tried to find out about her feelings and what she wanted, but also she was struggling with it all because she did not want to lose the house, she loved it so much.” Well, that was the fiction part, I will not go into details, that is too personal. But, the thing is, she was afraid of his power, and one sentence goes like this: ” his lawyers were so expensive, that they were also always the best.”  Another sentence: “the pressure on her began to be stronger and stronger each day, and forced her into an isolation she never would have thought it would exist.”

That he shows up every once in a while means, well, the thoughts I have of him, that I can’t let him go and the whole story, and the house in general means that  I am caged and that it’s like a prison to my thoughts and feelings of the past moment.

 

Sleepless in a rough and confused state

I am sleepless due to London. It just haunts me. My thoughts are almost constantly with the people that had to endure all this tragedy.

And fear is spreading inside me like a cancer. It’s the second night in a row that I can’t sleep, no matter what, I have to stay awake, otherwise, I am not sure what might happen. Well, my situation, my living situation is almost the same, only my building is not so high. It just hurts.

What I like about Britain: the Queen is like a mother to her country, she is always there when there is need, somehow always. Well, I am not so well informed. But it seems, as if this is a nice gesture, all the time. My thoughts are therefore also with the Royal Family, no, mostly with the Queen. I think, for her, as she has been going through a fire tragedy as well (not so much tragedy but anyway… you know what I mean), she will hurt as well, I think.

But what also shocks me most, is that the people seem to be treated like “dirt”, as some people say. I know how that feels, been through those moments myself, as I don’t own an own place (great grammar, but so what… 😉  ) , and have to speak to companies who own “my place” normally as well. It is sad, that the world can’t do better….

When I read, that Prince Harry was visiting Borough Market, I was kind of, well, what was going on there, I can’t remember. I am through, I am done, I forget things, because they are too heavy to bare on my back. Have so much on my own back, and I normally hurt when others are hurt, that is my personality, can’t help it. But, we remember, I was sick over this and was unwell the day I heard about it, it struck me kind of hard, so I might just have put it aside, since it was too much.

You can call me a kitschy person. Does me no harm, there is enough already. Well, tells you perhaps where I am, when I call this kitschy, because here, in Germany, never ever would be on one corner at least one person, who would care so much for others, I think, although people are treated like dirt by companies, by important persons with no heart at all, (well, we know London is a money city with interest in money, tells us almost everything…) but there are still enough sweet caring  people who I can’t find here in my country.

Well, I hurt and that is because London and the rest of Britain is always in my dreams, but I can’t reach them. I love London, I love Manchester, and I love the whole of Britain. The whole Kingdom.

And my thoughts are also with Theresa May. She is a strong woman and can cope with the situation, she has a hard time to go through. I feel for her as well, it is not easy what she has to do. But I think, she does a good job. And I also think, oh well, enough now. I don’t want to exaggerate. But with this, in these times, one can’t actually exaggerate at all…  Actually, I wanted to write a post only with the offer of a digital hug to everyone in the world who reads this. Because there is so much mayhem, violence, hurt people and so much death…

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Nobody reads me…

Well… nobody reads me, but I know that already. Most people misunderstand me, obviously. My writing is too depressive, so people are appalled by me and think bad of me. I know that as well, for sure. Well, somebody told me. That there is sometimes humor, nobody notices. I feel invisible anyway, but that goes to show, that people talk about the parallel societies, which breed in some extend terrorism, so there is a general suspicion about people like me, who are not involved in any society whatsoever. Does not matter if you are born in the country you live in or not… it is more evident, that people hurt your feelings as a not fitting in person. Yes, nobody speaks to me, that is the normal way… a world that gets darker ever day, while people tend to compare themselves to me, while they don’t even have the same problems like the so called aliens, or in Europe, foreigners, or even mixed races. In my childhood, people treated me the same way the would treat other children, thinking, the background was not even interesting, but it is. It is appalling to forget the background of a person, and tell them, well, you simply have something like a adjustment disorder, while it is all about being not accepted as a part of the “normal” society… Expecting, that a foreign child or a foreign person has the same things to manage as the “normal” residents, is extraordinarily stupid. But, societies breed their own terrorism with not educating their own stupid children about acceptance, love, understanding and integration. I am not sorry for them.

Well, writing does not help, as always. We are doomed anyway. At least the mixed races people and all the aliens and foreigners. Maybe, I should have made a disclaimer, that all this was only for the ones with the same background as me.  Sadly enough, that people need disclaimers all the time, that they use not to think on their own, which results in being insulted (at least they feel that way), which is just stupid. 159154

Disclaimer: sometimes you can stumble about some sarcasm in my blog, mixed with some humble humor. Beware. 9810bb805478d59b4580b258bbed59c1

… and then you realize…

… that nothing is of importance any longer.

You can just go and rest. For the rest of all time.

You just feel, when it’s time.

Because nothing here can fascinate you anymore. Or delight you. Or simply thrill you.

And then you realize, that nobody waits for you. And you wait for nobody in return.

Then, and only then, it is time to go. Me, in my case, know for sure, that this is the time to go and let go. I let go of my family which is not interested in me anymore and will never be, I let go of the job idea which I will never have (the job that is), and I will let go of my dreams, which I can never fulfill. Question is, what am I waiting for. As mentioned, I wait for nobody and definitely wait for nothing anymore.  I am done with the USA, I am done with Germany, and I am done with love. Yeah, and I have no idea what should come next. I just can’t need another year of mayhem. No.

I am done. And I am not in younger years where there was some kind of thinking behind those thoughts. Now, I am someone just doing what I say. And I say, I am done. With myself and with the world. With all the terrorists, the neonazi people, and with all the politicians. And of course with my family. Yes. And with all the stupidness in the world.

9280~Skull-Crossbones-Poster

And mark my words: there must be, just must be, a black hole on to us,

or at least this mysterious other planet earth running into us,

which effects all the people’s mind to go bonkers. Or something like that. It is simply not normal anymore.