Life is wonderful…

I just found out, how wonderful life really is.

I knew about so many things currently happening, it is unbelievable… there is definitely destiny in things… what that means is mind-blowing. It means, future can be written down and made… it is really true. It works… I just found another element of my story  actually came true… well that is not all good news, since some elements of the story are also not so pleasant, but that is not in the foreground, it takes not such a big role in this story.  I am just so happy that I am able to see things in the future, and then, the future is over and you see, it really did happen.   That gives hope it’s way.

Yes, I will be on my way, and everything will be fine in the end.

No I am not on drugs. Just on life. 440e51cf22c41876656d1826b460623d

Remember: I did not write the story to it’s end yet. So I can still interact. I am happy, happy, happy.  Life is not written all without anybody’s interaction, everybody can just write it’s own story of life.  I just came back to my original self. That one that I missed so many years. My me, the me that can be relaxed and self reliable and also a bit strong.

I lost myself. But found myself today.  It is such a warm feeling.  I feel confident and secure and happy, and so saturated.

I just love. And that is the state I want to be in. Always. b7bff97e181c5eaeb98edee30bfaf809d395c5aeee460532b50af1268697f0f4

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loneliness is shaking me

My loneliness is epic       my longing dreadful    and the wall in front of me so high it reaches the moon… and around all earth.

Not even people in prisons find themselves so isolated as I am.

I lost you no matter what you say and I can only loose… I feel like fainting.

I never wanted anything but love in this world, and the world punished me for that.   Maybe I don’t deserve love or anything of that matter….

I don’t know anything anymore.

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I failed you

 

(I want to tell I love you, but it is too late. )

you obviously hate me… ?
I don’t want to hate you. I still want to read you, and it is more than about poems.  I love your poems by the way… but I don’t get the word “bangle”. Or that is where I got it all wrong.

I was simply confused.

I don’t know how to reach you.  .. if you get my drift…

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He’s the only one that “knows” me

Why is my world so crazy? Why is it so difficult to understand? Everything is so weird all the time… Days gone by and I still don’t get everything? I ask myself so many questions, I dare not to take it to others… There was pain, and there was joy, there was fun and there was mischief, there were big eyes and wry looks, there were unspoken hostilities and spoken denials. It was a world full of difficulties, lies and misunderstandings. There were people where they should not have been, and so much which is not told yet.   How to get through all this jungle? How to fully recover from it? How to explain things to people that have grown into liked people?

How can I put aside the trouble I am in? Why should I change from being a child, that is purely speaking it’s momentarily mind? I’m a child by nature. But I love so deeply, and in a way that is obviously new to me. I feel so lost. So lost in this outer world, which does not understand me either… I should think, I am not lonely, but I am, it feels that way. I am lonely each day. I sit here alone and stare at the wall, but it can’t give me any answers… nor does it vanish from it’s own. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it is not there anymore and I can see other places, but they are too far away to reach…  I know that writing this will not change anything, it only explains how my heart is bleeding.  It explains also how deep it is. I did not know that either.

I don’t know what came over me all the time, writing stuff that simply hurts people, because that is not me…. but well, it doesn’t change anything… does it? I lost you, I lost a whole world.   In my world all my rivers are red. But they are also red, because I am much too emotional all the time.

I believe, you are the only one that knows me. At least that goes for some areas of mine… For me, that was always something special, something that was meant for just one very special person.

I just want to love in my world.  And I want to play…

 

 

 

One day sugar, the other it is grain

My English is on a challenge here, on this press, and every day I learn some more, my heart breaking every other minute, while every other minute, I feel like in a rollercoaster, full of surprises and gruesome moments…

It is as if I know it, there were good days and bad days, which hurt like hell and other, like sweet and hopeful.

That is why I closed my heart and lived alone, to feel secure and safe of all the incoming pain and things that could destroy just everything in me. Love is not of the essence, for most people money is of the essence. That is where the world and I are different.

I’ve put my head above the parapet to much, did I? Obviously…. I don’t understand this world, a world where emotions don’t count and a human being is only worth what he is worth money-wise, I never wanted to live in such a world.  First, the toss you out the window because you don’t fit in their system. And then, when you don’t fit into their system because they refused to let you in, and decided to throw you into the bin, they accuse you of laziness and hostile behavior. What a world is that?

Oh this is just another bad day for me. The painter, that was supposed to come today,  has forgotten the arrangement. And then, I read on the Internet. I hate the world.

I wanted to become a boss. But then, I wanted to be much more an artist. So, anyway, my way was okay the way it was. But it’s painful anyway. Pain is a part of my life and I will have to get used to it. I know what I am capable of, and I will go on the way I want, painting and drawing and closing my heart down since that is the best. Too many storms are coming my way.

I am so calm

I feel so calm these days. There is still a question mark on my head. Each day is still a wondering why. And it is weird to step forward, since I have to leave the reason behind, why I feel better, because of this… I could fall in love every two seconds, I am vulnerable and my eyes get bigger each day.  Each day has a new understanding of things, and each day confuses me again some more.

It’s like waking up from a weird dream, in which I did not play a role.  I try to hold onto it, but it is difficult… I know I am also a weird person, someone to find questionable. I have reverence for people, especially for him, so much reverence, but it was understood that I didn’t… I wish I could have been the me of today, during the last year.  But I was caught up into a hole and then I wrote things which I hate these days, and nobody really got me I think. Not even me… I lost myself.

Sometimes I don’t know how to cope.  I took it to the completely wrong people, and I thought at so many points, now I have it, now I understand it, now there it is, it is such a stupid story… I was just a wreck.  The doctors did not believe me, did not want to help me,  I felt so alone. I felt deserted and cut off from everything.

The months after I tried to get away from all the pain, I hoped so much to be happy again, but nothing worked out. So I refused from then on to try another time to be happy or just be social. So there we are, here and now, while I am totally confused about how it turned out to be.  I just don’t know anything anymore.

It is not about the money it’s about mindcontrol

Lol. People really think, it is about the money.  The money issue is just a distraction. Because people in the world consider money problematic. In real, it is about the mind control, because they want the world to change, which is easier through your thoughts, than through the outer world e.g. money and so on.

The thing is, the mind is closed after a while and really nobody can enter it from the outside, it is as vicious as it is clever. Some people don’t have the ability and possibility to get away from the mind control, because it goes on and on and on, from the beginning.

I guess, I am on the agenda too, it is obviously time to renew my mind control and I think, it is going off. But I know and I think, I can withstand.  I am sorry, but mind control is something I really do not want, I really do not find okay, and I really think is wrong.

They work with pictures, with calling the brain a house, at least that is one method they use. It came out of the blue, that I found out, but it is so obvious. I could excuse so many things, but not mind control. Does not matter if it is brought to me by someone who is wonderful. It is in the system and not in him. So that is also why I would not push away anyone who came from there, since they are mind controlled the same way as me and so many others. Only I am at the beginning and still out enough in the real world.

It is all about the first moment, the first therapy hour. And it begins.  So easy.  It is not something one can overlook so easily, once you’re deep in it.  Because then it is too late.

My mouth is not full yet. It will not be full again or ever. I am a free spirit, a free person and a free artist. And I will stay that way.  I will keep my heart and I will still love and still embrace people, whatever they are.  I will not be a robot or forget, who I am.  And if it’s necessary, I stay at home forever, if that is what it takes…  I am not to buy.

If you break into my mind, it is trespassing. And this will cost a big amount of apology. It is something I will not have. Not in a million years, anything, but not that… The only thing I desire is love, a family (not possible anymore for me, is it…), freedom and fun and quiet surroundings. That is all… I want to be loved and love again.

But leave my mind alone.

I kind of love you. But I hate you for the mind control.

 

A metaphorical storytelling

The story I wrote, then, in 2002, or better, from 2002 until 2004, was more written in a metaphorical sense, than about facts or real fiction. At least, that is what I think now. Today, I understand what I meant, when I wrote that “she divorced him, and she lived in a big house full of memories and old furniture, which she was not allowed to sell, and him always allowed to use the house still, even though he did not need the house because he owned five other houses and flats/ apartments. She did not want him to come back but at the same time, she wanted it so bad, and when he showed up, she was confused or even annoyed, because he was so mean to her and he had so much power, she couldn’t even win over him in a jurisdictional manner, because it was his house and she was only allowed through him to live there… She loved him and she hated him (and the same goes for him, he felt the same about her), and he had so expensive lawyers that she was out powered by him… she couldn’t afford a lawyer, and so she waited and waited and tried to find out about her feelings and what she wanted, but also she was struggling with it all because she did not want to lose the house, she loved it so much.” Well, that was the fiction part, I will not go into details, that is too personal. But, the thing is, she was afraid of his power, and one sentence goes like this: ” his lawyers were so expensive, that they were also always the best.”  Another sentence: “the pressure on her began to be stronger and stronger each day, and forced her into an isolation she never would have thought it would exist.”

That he shows up every once in a while means, well, the thoughts I have of him, that I can’t let him go and the whole story, and the house in general means that  I am caged and that it’s like a prison to my thoughts and feelings of the past moment.

 

Sleepless in a rough and confused state

I am sleepless due to London. It just haunts me. My thoughts are almost constantly with the people that had to endure all this tragedy.

And fear is spreading inside me like a cancer. It’s the second night in a row that I can’t sleep, no matter what, I have to stay awake, otherwise, I am not sure what might happen. Well, my situation, my living situation is almost the same, only my building is not so high. It just hurts.

What I like about Britain: the Queen is like a mother to her country, she is always there when there is need, somehow always. Well, I am not so well informed. But it seems, as if this is a nice gesture, all the time. My thoughts are therefore also with the Royal Family, no, mostly with the Queen. I think, for her, as she has been going through a fire tragedy as well (not so much tragedy but anyway… you know what I mean), she will hurt as well, I think.

But what also shocks me most, is that the people seem to be treated like “dirt”, as some people say. I know how that feels, been through those moments myself, as I don’t own an own place (great grammar, but so what… 😉  ) , and have to speak to companies who own “my place” normally as well. It is sad, that the world can’t do better….

When I read, that Prince Harry was visiting Borough Market, I was kind of, well, what was going on there, I can’t remember. I am through, I am done, I forget things, because they are too heavy to bare on my back. Have so much on my own back, and I normally hurt when others are hurt, that is my personality, can’t help it. But, we remember, I was sick over this and was unwell the day I heard about it, it struck me kind of hard, so I might just have put it aside, since it was too much.

You can call me a kitschy person. Does me no harm, there is enough already. Well, tells you perhaps where I am, when I call this kitschy, because here, in Germany, never ever would be on one corner at least one person, who would care so much for others, I think, although people are treated like dirt by companies, by important persons with no heart at all, (well, we know London is a money city with interest in money, tells us almost everything…) but there are still enough sweet caring  people who I can’t find here in my country.

Well, I hurt and that is because London and the rest of Britain is always in my dreams, but I can’t reach them. I love London, I love Manchester, and I love the whole of Britain. The whole Kingdom.

And my thoughts are also with Theresa May. She is a strong woman and can cope with the situation, she has a hard time to go through. I feel for her as well, it is not easy what she has to do. But I think, she does a good job. And I also think, oh well, enough now. I don’t want to exaggerate. But with this, in these times, one can’t actually exaggerate at all…  Actually, I wanted to write a post only with the offer of a digital hug to everyone in the world who reads this. Because there is so much mayhem, violence, hurt people and so much death…

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