Oceanic selkie thoughts

I am still awake all night and going to bed during dawn. I did not hear the owl screaming it’s tu-whit tu-whoo this night, which is normally calming me down. The owls make the night so loud and also so spooky, but they work at night just like me. So I love them.    I hope to hear them the next night again…

I must end my addiction, which is thinking of him.  It is so boring since I know all of what I need to know and yet I can’t stop reflecting on my memories and this one man. Who is still a bit in the fog for me, but I was blind the last three years, so this has to end…  I do not want to stay blind (although it feels like I become blind kind of),  I want to see clearly after all.

Compared to being at see, my life right now is being  in between the calms, that is doldrums,  where there is no wind and no other ship in sight, there is no stream and no hope to ever end this, and I have to wait until there will be wind again.

I just found this old story I wrote earlier, a few years ago.  It was about three young people chartering a boat with a skipper and his crew, learning the hard way what it means to be on sea and how to behave on a ship.  I did not have the chance to ever be on a ship or a sailing vessel, but my desire was always the ocean and nothing more and so I failed to live a life that I could possibly endure. Without water around me I don’t feel save or even good, and I realized today, that everything I do, or ever did, had as a goal to see the ocean (again),or meet people who love the ocean as much as I do.  Life is too short to not be near anything you love.

The ocean is in my system:  I am fish and cancer as zodiac signs, my second name is Thursday (well it is the translation of my name). Thursday is actually a bad name for that since seamen fear to go out to sea on a Thursday, because it brings bad luck… but it definitely is a day that has a meaning for ocean folks.  I tend to take a bath every day (I know, environment and not enough water in the world, but I can’t survive without water I believe…), and stories about the ocean make me sheer ecstatic. I have some CDs with the oceans and whales on it.

I long for the waves to rush into my ears, for the sand to crawl into my toes, for the air to send it’s salty sent into my nose, and to see the big ships and the far away horizon to blurr into one line with the ocean until there is no horizon anymore…  I guess I am just a selkie who wants back into it’s natural environment. Oh that would be wonderful…

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