… and my religion is…

Well, and this is what happens, when “someone” becomes your “religion”.

It is so overwhelming in the end.  I cried yesterday, because I found out so many things I had already seen and I did not know. In 2002, I began to write a story, well about “someone”, and I went on writing over the years and I thought it was total fiction, also about me, and about him an his passion (his religion I think because it can’t be anything else, or these people who were around him and me ), but I did not know then, that it was about “him”, or about a religion. You know. I wasn’t aware who and what that was I was writing about. It was just for fun… and because I wanted to be a writer.  Writing by seeing into the future which is not written by then is like, the feeling to an extend where nothing makes sense… but actually, I thought nothing of it, I thought everything was as normal, I blanked out completely on what was not so obvious.

Yesterday I read my story again after all these years (which I luckily did not throw away as I had planned) and many details are as far as I know true, and are  fitting in.      It was clairvoyance, what else?  And then it shook me and I had to cry.       It is not for anyone to read of course, it is not finished or  good or anything, but it shows the many things which happened and are happening in the last three, four years and ongoing I think, to me it is shocking but as well wonderful. It is like a bond which was invisible and unknown to me.

It is either telepathy or something else, which I don’t know yet…. and it makes me wonder, nobody can say, that clairvoyance doesn’t exist. Because it does.

He must have such a strong mind. To me, that is mind-blowing.




next stop any airport? or what?

I am out of order. I am tired. I don’t sleep anymore. It is becoming a drag, very slowly but yes, somehow nothing works anymore, in the morning I am like dust and in the evening, I try not to fall asleep, because I am so fearful of death, while nobody cares here anyway.  I feel like am totally worthless, and they let me know that, while treating me like dirt. I don’t visit a doctor, because I can’t trust them. I don’t call anybody anymore, because I don’t want to be hurt. At the same time, I want to get out of my life as it is, therefore I have to  contact people. But I don’t trust anyone. I know everybody hates me, or at least, has enough of me. It is an imminent feeling. At the same time, everybody around me is sick, leaning on me like I am the strongest person on earth, with no needs at all. I don’t talk to them, at least not on the phone or directly. But text messages are too much too. I just want out of everything, out of this world, this planet, and out of this universe maybe.

I guess, you know it when it becomes too much. You know, when you are one too many.  I’ll have to pack my things and go, but I don’t see why I should do that, it’s just giving up and ending up all things, not a new start or a hope for a new life somewhere, because there is nowhere to go. All about me is all wrong, never mind where I go.

I can’t stop the demons from haunting me (my bad ex-boyfriends who just are about themselves and tease me), there are no new people in sight and the house I live in is cursed. I really think about buying a trekking backpack, instead of new furniture, and just leaving everything, hiking trough the world. With no destination.  Because nothing makes sense anymore.


… and then you realize…

… that nothing is of importance any longer.

You can just go and rest. For the rest of all time.

You just feel, when it’s time.

Because nothing here can fascinate you anymore. Or delight you. Or simply thrill you.

And then you realize, that nobody waits for you. And you wait for nobody in return.

Then, and only then, it is time to go. Me, in my case, know for sure, that this is the time to go and let go. I let go of my family which is not interested in me anymore and will never be, I let go of the job idea which I will never have (the job that is), and I will let go of my dreams, which I can never fulfill. Question is, what am I waiting for. As mentioned, I wait for nobody and definitely wait for nothing anymore.  I am done with the USA, I am done with Germany, and I am done with love. Yeah, and I have no idea what should come next. I just can’t need another year of mayhem. No.

I am done. And I am not in younger years where there was some kind of thinking behind those thoughts. Now, I am someone just doing what I say. And I say, I am done. With myself and with the world. With all the terrorists, the neonazi people, and with all the politicians. And of course with my family. Yes. And with all the stupidness in the world.


And mark my words: there must be, just must be, a black hole on to us,

or at least this mysterious other planet earth running into us,

which effects all the people’s mind to go bonkers. Or something like that. It is simply not normal anymore.