Landscape of thoughts

My head is a landscape of thoughts

            there I wander around and take my time

                                      it can be beautiful or horrendously terrifying

sometimes I meet you there

but very often I am just lonely there

and nothing is happening

that is painful                 and I put out the pictures

I am stalled

and have to wait                                   and accept  silence

which I do                                                                         because you said so.




Tunnel of pain

I am in a tunnel of pain right now. Probably out of the totally wrong reasons, but oh well… ab005194c860393c5b3bbe65847dc13d

I don’t know where to put my sadness. Somehow I know this horrible situation, it is so extremely painful. This silence is horrible… I’m torn apart by it…

You may love another woman right now, ?  but I still love you, the more I fight against it, it still grows stronger. I hate myself for that.

I don’t even now how to sleep. But finally, the tears are there. At last. ○•○•

I wonder: is the world only good with music? Is it only good with (good) movies? Is it only good and bearable with as many distractions as possible? With disco, cotton candy and sweet liquor, or dolls to specials to watching TV, or having ice-cream and cream on top?   With horses and waves on the sea, with summer breezes or winter’s cold fresh snowy tops?               I really wonder.  Right now I listen to The Cure.                                            Their name is program to me. ♥ Lots of inspiring tones…  I feel crazy. So crazy, that it hurts like thousand hell

wholes. 14621ab9e93531d837158cd57524145f


Messed up

I am totally messed up.

I should not have looked so much into the past. It just hurts.

Maybe, they are true by saying, nobody should know about their secrets. Because it can put you into misery. And also, it is so unnecessary to know. Know everything,  I mean. It is just so painful…

I mean, yes it could also be the black magic thing that messes everybody up. It is something nobody should ever do, but they do it, I did it, and it disturbed me, it’s probably the root of all evil that happened to me and (with them) and shows, how dangerous it is to conjure any possible things. It was  sin to do and it comes back to you eight times over, as it did to me. It is not nonsense, it is real, really dangerous and disgusting and helps nobody.  I was young though and did not know better.

I just hope, people will understand, that there is no way out once they did black magic and  even Egyptian magic, which I tried, (a ritual with a demon) and that people will stay away from such things. So their lives will not be that messed up like mine was.

I just say this because I read a book about them where this subject with the black magic and Crowley was also up, and I think now, maybe not knowing all this was better…  I tried to find out what happened in my life and it lead me to read these books and watch youtube videos and find everything I could I did not know yet about Scientology (so I said it), and it is just not a good idea.  I am just messed up know.

The thing is, there is such a thing like the devil and some bad entities and they are around, no matter what, so this will always look for people who are interested in them and it will have it’s way, one way or another and there is no such thing as there isn’t any of this, as some people want to believe. They say, there is no devil and there is just God or good things in life. Not true.  Just, you should not look for those entities. They are out there. And by doing these damn rituals, you just take them on and they will follow you every where. I guess, I can’t make it undone. Or better, I can’t undo it anymore.  I am so sorry. For everybody I meet will have this much trouble, so I stay inside all the time. Well, there are other reasons for that as well, but…  I am messed up. Just as it is. I paid big time.

Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.