So he is not my friend and never was…

So, it took me at least two years to understand what happened in my life over the last three years. That is interesting. And I am between telling it all and shying away from open up because I am shit-scared… I am not a pussy, or better, coward. But I am not interested in some more disgusting events. I won’t be taken away another time or humiliated in front of every one, nor am I used for anything… it just won’t happen.  I am so empty all of a sudden.  I don’t know, shall I be happy to have lost a child again or better be glad for it, not to have come onto the world through such circumstances? Well, currently I am not gone crazy yet. But it is definitely on the agenda.

I keep having dreams about this kid. And about him. But it is just dreams. Not reality. At least I hope so… I know that it’s off to write/speak about it in the open, but well, I actually don’t care anymore, because I’d be the only one who cares obviously. And I honestly won’t care anymore if any scientologist might be offended by the way I see the world. That I might be abberated or whatever, just because I still have feelings, which I show. I don’t care. Because I think it is wrong to let your feelings be washed away to turn a human being into a robot, that has no heart any longer, but keeps bringing in a tec. I don’t care anymore. Since I am alone (did not have a boyfriend) anyway and always was, from the moment this all started on until now. I always was on my own.

I might be a destroyed human being, but I still breathe and as long as I do so, I will write and talk and I will listen to people who suffered from Scientology and who were treated unfairly, just like I was. Honestly, I liked this guy so much and he did this to me, I still can’t understand the world. And those German people back in my time, well, I will not talk about them so much anymore because it makes my stomach turn, I think that was the most unpleasant episode of my life which was probably also my last, at least in the job sector! So it is going to stay back there, and I will forget it eventually, because it’s not worth to ponder on it too much. They destroyed my image and I think it is on them that I don’t find anything here anymore.  But I think they were really getting it wrong, the world and how it works and why people have to be treated with respect and not looked down upon. But they will never understand.

Also they will never understand that a person is not slow that is thorough, but they learn differently and will have their own views, but I was deeply hurt by their grading system, or at least their system. They degraded me  just after a few moments of prejudice and I think that is deeply to condemn, deeply to denounce. I find Scientology deeply disturbing because it is so judgemental, and it hurts people and degrades them in an unknown scale, some people will suffer from that and take it to their heart,  as I did also.  I feel so irritated by that all. So eventually, I will not think about it further, because it can really in the end destroy me and the believe in myself. Besides, I find German Scientologists are a big concern because they pick on the Nazi stuff, the way  American Scientologist never could.  I think that is completely different turf, and the Americans always had something going for them, but not the Germans. So yes, I think I differ between them and I met the German ones, which is obviously not the same. But that is my personal thoughts. Nobody needs to understand this.

Since I live here in Germany sadly and I know what it means to not getting jobs or anything only because one does not fit into the system. They do it here with severe pressure and as I said, I did not like that.  I condemn them for it extremely. And I will not forgive. In the end it is their fault, that this in the aftermath all happened, that  I was left alone  with horrible events that took place while on my job environment, and loosing again another baby/embryo, which has no romantic note whatsoever.  And how can they give people drugs while allegedly working against it??  They are evil.

 

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A metaphorical storytelling

The story I wrote, then, in 2002, or better, from 2002 until 2004, was more written in a metaphorical sense, than about facts or real fiction. At least, that is what I think now. Today, I understand what I meant, when I wrote that “she divorced him, and she lived in a big house full of memories and old furniture, which she was not allowed to sell, and him always allowed to use the house still, even though he did not need the house because he owned five other houses and flats/ apartments. She did not want him to come back but at the same time, she wanted it so bad, and when he showed up, she was confused or even annoyed, because he was so mean to her and he had so much power, she couldn’t even win over him in a jurisdictional manner, because it was his house and she was only allowed through him to live there… She loved him and she hated him (and the same goes for him, he felt the same about her), and he had so expensive lawyers that she was out powered by him… she couldn’t afford a lawyer, and so she waited and waited and tried to find out about her feelings and what she wanted, but also she was struggling with it all because she did not want to lose the house, she loved it so much.” Well, that was the fiction part, I will not go into details, that is too personal. But, the thing is, she was afraid of his power, and one sentence goes like this: ” his lawyers were so expensive, that they were also always the best.”  Another sentence: “the pressure on her began to be stronger and stronger each day, and forced her into an isolation she never would have thought it would exist.”

That he shows up every once in a while means, well, the thoughts I have of him, that I can’t let him go and the whole story, and the house in general means that  I am caged and that it’s like a prison to my thoughts and feelings of the past moment.