So, it took me at least two years to understand what happened in my life over the last three years. That is interesting. And I am between telling it all and shying away from open up because I am shit-scared… I am not a pussy, or better, coward. But I am not interested in some more disgusting events. I won’t be taken away another time or humiliated in front of every one, nor am I used for anything… it just won’t happen. I am so empty all of a sudden. I don’t know, shall I be happy to have lost a child again or better be glad for it, not to have come onto the world through such circumstances? Well, currently I am not gone crazy yet. But it is definitely on the agenda.
I keep having dreams about this kid. And about him. But it is just dreams. Not reality. At least I hope so… I know that it’s off to write/speak about it in the open, but well, I actually don’t care anymore, because I’d be the only one who cares obviously. And I honestly won’t care anymore if any scientologist might be offended by the way I see the world. That I might be abberated or whatever, just because I still have feelings, which I show. I don’t care. Because I think it is wrong to let your feelings be washed away to turn a human being into a robot, that has no heart any longer, but keeps bringing in a tec. I don’t care anymore. Since I am alone (did not have a boyfriend) anyway and always was, from the moment this all started on until now. I always was on my own.
I might be a destroyed human being, but I still breathe and as long as I do so, I will write and talk and I will listen to people who suffered from Scientology and who were treated unfairly, just like I was. Honestly, I liked this guy so much and he did this to me, I still can’t understand the world. And those German people back in my time, well, I will not talk about them so much anymore because it makes my stomach turn, I think that was the most unpleasant episode of my life which was probably also my last, at least in the job sector! So it is going to stay back there, and I will forget it eventually, because it’s not worth to ponder on it too much. They destroyed my image and I think it is on them that I don’t find anything here anymore. But I think they were really getting it wrong, the world and how it works and why people have to be treated with respect and not looked down upon. But they will never understand.
Also they will never understand that a person is not slow that is thorough, but they learn differently and will have their own views, but I was deeply hurt by their grading system, or at least their system. They degraded me just after a few moments of prejudice and I think that is deeply to condemn, deeply to denounce. I find Scientology deeply disturbing because it is so judgemental, and it hurts people and degrades them in an unknown scale, some people will suffer from that and take it to their heart, as I did also. I feel so irritated by that all. So eventually, I will not think about it further, because it can really in the end destroy me and the believe in myself. Besides, I find German Scientologists are a big concern because they pick on the Nazi stuff, the way American Scientologist never could. I think that is completely different turf, and the Americans always had something going for them, but not the Germans. So yes, I think I differ between them and I met the German ones, which is obviously not the same. But that is my personal thoughts. Nobody needs to understand this.
Since I live here in Germany sadly and I know what it means to not getting jobs or anything only because one does not fit into the system. They do it here with severe pressure and as I said, I did not like that. I condemn them for it extremely. And I will not forgive. In the end it is their fault, that this in the aftermath all happened, that I was left alone with horrible events that took place while on my job environment, and loosing again another baby/embryo, which has no romantic note whatsoever. And how can they give people drugs while allegedly working against it?? They are evil.