the movies and the colors

Why do some movies have so depressing colors in it? Some movies are held in almost the same colors over the whole movie, and some I can’t stand, at least when the colors are colors I can’t stand. If this makes sense, I mean.






A metaphorical storytelling

The story I wrote, then, in 2002, or better, from 2002 until 2004, was more written in a metaphorical sense, than about facts or real fiction. At least, that is what I think now. Today, I understand what I meant, when I wrote that “she divorced him, and she lived in a big house full of memories and old furniture, which she was not allowed to sell, and him always allowed to use the house still, even though he did not need the house because he owned five other houses and flats/ apartments. She did not want him to come back but at the same time, she wanted it so bad, and when he showed up, she was confused or even annoyed, because he was so mean to her and he had so much power, she couldn’t even win over him in a jurisdictional manner, because it was his house and she was only allowed through him to live there… She loved him and she hated him (and the same goes for him, he felt the same about her), and he had so expensive lawyers that she was out powered by him… she couldn’t afford a lawyer, and so she waited and waited and tried to find out about her feelings and what she wanted, but also she was struggling with it all because she did not want to lose the house, she loved it so much.” Well, that was the fiction part, I will not go into details, that is too personal. But, the thing is, she was afraid of his power, and one sentence goes like this: ” his lawyers were so expensive, that they were also always the best.”¬† Another sentence: “the pressure on her began to be stronger and stronger each day, and forced her into an isolation she never would have thought it would exist.”

That he shows up every once in a while means, well, the thoughts I have of him, that I can’t let him go and the whole story, and the house in general means that¬† I am caged and that it’s like a prison to my thoughts and feelings of the past moment.


Being depressed – while tidying up

This is a bad day. Tired, depressed and overwhelmed, knowing that my life doesn’t make sense. Not in the sense that does not make sense in general, but it does not make sense since it was so senseless and sad. Well. I said I am depressed. Totally. Just of no reason at all. I know it does not make sense.

Maybe it is because I’ve read about too many weddings, in old newspapers and illustrated magazines. And about pregnant, popular people. I am old and well, things have changed because of that and these things, that were of interest to me once, are not relevant or important anymore, instead I can’t stand them at all. No one does need stories about weddings, kids or any of that sort. … That is also why I haven’t bought a magazine in months. Only stories that don’t interest anyone, aren’t true or are so stupid, that I waste my time over reading them.

I live in a chaos now and to tidy up is not exactly fun, it will take some days, if not months, before I live in a nice room, but I still won’t have a place that I like. I did not choose this place, and one can ask if when growing so old it makes sense to look for a nice flat to stay in, while not having so much time left (normally old people don’t have so much time left anyway). And apartments don’t lie on the street (haha), they are difficult to get. One step at a time, but I tell myself that since so many years. And I only took two or three steps yet in all these years, not so many really… it always seems as if I don’t make any progress at all.