Confessions of a selfish

All those metaphorical pictures
you talk about in your poems and prose
make me feel scared
especially the picture of death (!)
is so spooky and fears me into a corner every time..

 

I am
back from an old hellish world
which was like it always was,  to be exact
and I was like a  far-away-sister
to a brother
nothing more

my nights were filled with thoughts
of you
and there was lots of energy
yesterday
that came from somewhere’ else
I swear
but it felt from so very far away
and it was so strong and weird
I fell asleep edgy
and sleep was what I only did
nothing happened
ever these nights.

No touch was given
no hug took place
no real near being
not even a hand I gave
or any deep looks
just that it was
what it always was
uncomfortable  lonely being
in a wrong place
where once
everything was the same
and me
so lost inside
feeling wrong and loosing
I know that already
but I know as well

where my real heart is
and so I don’t have any regrets
for there is nothing to regret for
seldom said but true
I am sometimes stubborn
and technical as it is
but I know my ways
and go them
and they almost always lead me to
where I belong…

I took this unholy risk
because I had to
I could not sleep all these nights before
and I did what I had to do
I watched too many hacker movies (!)
I am satisfied now
because my mission is accomplished almost
and I am right in time
I never wished you any pain nor agonies
just because of me
I did this for both of us
and my old secrets are safe with me now
but they will make soon for heaven forever to stay there…

I don’t know if I deserve you
or you me
or anyone
or if I am running in the wrong direction
unless there is enough kind of love
I am drowsy and tired and all of that
from yesterday
so forgive me my drowsy write please
I only know quite vaguely
how much I owe you always…. ♥

I

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… and my religion is…

Well, and this is what happens, when “someone” becomes your “religion”.

It is so overwhelming in the end.  I cried yesterday, because I found out so many things I had already seen and I did not know. In 2002, I began to write a story, well about “someone”, and I went on writing over the years and I thought it was total fiction, also about me, and about him an his passion (his religion I think because it can’t be anything else, or these people who were around him and me ), but I did not know then, that it was about “him”, or about a religion. You know. I wasn’t aware who and what that was I was writing about. It was just for fun… and because I wanted to be a writer.  Writing by seeing into the future which is not written by then is like, the feeling to an extend where nothing makes sense… but actually, I thought nothing of it, I thought everything was as normal, I blanked out completely on what was not so obvious.

Yesterday I read my story again after all these years (which I luckily did not throw away as I had planned) and many details are as far as I know true, and are  fitting in.      It was clairvoyance, what else?  And then it shook me and I had to cry.       It is not for anyone to read of course, it is not finished or  good or anything, but it shows the many things which happened and are happening in the last three, four years and ongoing I think, to me it is shocking but as well wonderful. It is like a bond which was invisible and unknown to me.

It is either telepathy or something else, which I don’t know yet…. and it makes me wonder, nobody can say, that clairvoyance doesn’t exist. Because it does.

He must have such a strong mind. To me, that is mind-blowing.