my heart is somewhere I don’t know

my heart surely belongs to me. I don’t know where in the world it

resides besides.

 

I was conquered  by the world, and now I sit – in a room,

merely a ghost.

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Oceanic selkie thoughts

I am still awake all night and going to bed during dawn. I did not hear the owl screaming it’s tu-whit tu-whoo this night, which is normally calming me down. The owls make the night so loud and also so spooky, but they work at night just like me. So I love them.    I hope to hear them the next night again…

I must end my addiction, which is thinking of him.  It is so boring since I know all of what I need to know and yet I can’t stop reflecting on my memories and this one man. Who is still a bit in the fog for me, but I was blind the last three years, so this has to end…  I do not want to stay blind (although it feels like I become blind kind of),  I want to see clearly after all.

Compared to being at see, my life right now is being  in between the calms, that is doldrums,  where there is no wind and no other ship in sight, there is no stream and no hope to ever end this, and I have to wait until there will be wind again.

I just found this old story I wrote earlier, a few years ago.  It was about three young people chartering a boat with a skipper and his crew, learning the hard way what it means to be on sea and how to behave on a ship.  I did not have the chance to ever be on a ship or a sailing vessel, but my desire was always the ocean and nothing more and so I failed to live a life that I could possibly endure. Without water around me I don’t feel save or even good, and I realized today, that everything I do, or ever did, had as a goal to see the ocean (again),or meet people who love the ocean as much as I do.  Life is too short to not be near anything you love.

The ocean is in my system:  I am fish and cancer as zodiac signs, my second name is Thursday (well it is the translation of my name). Thursday is actually a bad name for that since seamen fear to go out to sea on a Thursday, because it brings bad luck… but it definitely is a day that has a meaning for ocean folks.  I tend to take a bath every day (I know, environment and not enough water in the world, but I can’t survive without water I believe…), and stories about the ocean make me sheer ecstatic. I have some CDs with the oceans and whales on it.

I long for the waves to rush into my ears, for the sand to crawl into my toes, for the air to send it’s salty sent into my nose, and to see the big ships and the far away horizon to blurr into one line with the ocean until there is no horizon anymore…  I guess I am just a selkie who wants back into it’s natural environment. Oh that would be wonderful…

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Dark basements and plays

And again, last night, I dreamed of dark basements, and people who “played” with me and pushed me into it eventually, and closing the door in the end and switched off the lights… so I sat there in total darkness in this spooky dark basement, which was full of dirt and wide and big…

We were doing some game, don’t know what exactly, and I came from the basement several times after getting something out of the basement, but in the end a girl just locked the door behind me and I was stuck in there. I was so frightened.

I wonder why these dreams are coming, where I am locked in somewhere and where I am frightened and scared and alone… and in the end mostly running away somehow or in a crazy hunt and looking desperately for an exit or an escape… and then it struck me today, reading my dreams of the last three years, that I did not have a clue what they meant but it slowly comes to my mind that they are all related, telling me a story that must have happened earlier, and I can’t lay it to rest, because it must have been so frightening, and so brutal… or at least it was a brutal game, but I wasn’t up for it or not used to it or at least not cut out for it. Maybe it is called “fair game”…

But I don’t want to believe this. I never did anything wrong… I rather even have something like a crush on  a person maybe related to this. And that hurts…

Whatever this might be, it hurt me in my soul and I still struggle to decipher my dreams. Only, I don’t know what I do when I find out. I rather not want to know. I think….

And I even saw him in the cards, but interpreted it wrongly, so I could not see it was him. So, eventually, everything went wrong from there… because I could not read the cards in the beginning of the year properly. It was an otter, who is wearing a pearl of power in his forehead, and it is related to water… and it was also related to helping others and playfulness. So, that all fits in.

But my heart is open to him and somehow, it gets wider every day, I can’t help it. I know how stupid this must sound. But something is there which I can’t find out, but it just won’t leave me. It is this kind of familiarity to him. Ach, I can’t explain it.

Yesterday, there was a woman in my street, taking pictures of the alley. Which is odd, since this happens actually never. I know that, since more or less always the same people are here, it is not so lively here…. The week before that, a neighbor across the street had a fight with a woman and it looked as if this woman was sent away from my neighbor, in an angry gesture, obviously she just did want to stand there on the pavement, in front of their house. The day before that, it was the same with some younger fellow, but there wasn’t a fight.  Or something like that. It just seemed very odd to me.  And when I went out to do some shopping, I saw a weird couple in a car and was like, this is how it always looks like in the youtube videos I’ve seen about this subject. Weird. They drove away after I had clocked them. Or I spotted them. Well… it is going on, obviously. But, this is what I waited for. Just come on, if the game is on,  I take it. I am also very playful at times.  🙂

But maybe, it will bore people to death anyway. Lol. Since there is nothing to get out of it except total boredom. Be my guest…

But it is not worth to hurt loving and caring people, especially when there are no grounds for this at all. They are just hurting themselves with that. Their souls will take it with them for the rest of all coming lifes. Very painful, I must say.