I never…

I never flamed you
I never tossed you
I never shamed you
I never wronged you
I never opened up to you
I never said good bye to you
I never denied you
I never opposed you
I never looked you directly in the eye?
I never saw the palace
I never bit you
I never obeyed you not
I never did anything to annoy you on purpose
I never saw your dog
I never saw anyone you know
I never missed you not
I never understood all the texts on wordpress
I never gave away anything
I never stood up to you
I never wanted anything else
I never wanted to be alone
I never wanted to be made suffering
I would always suffer for you though
I never was not aligned
I never had a sister
I never knew how to love properly
I never had any more wonderful relationship
I never had a real relationship
I never had a bat
I never waited long for a beat
I never apologized to you

so I say Sorry



some fine self imagined words for manic funky crazy cool people

luranic self love neverthelessent
I see not what you see perhaps
since I wasn’t sure at all
at what I look
if what I watch is what I see truly
you are the most beautifullest
of thoughts of people
and I love to watch what that is
your idea of laughable is probably loony
but no
I am so ugly, uglier than any girl
and my thoughts are rebellious
also against your ideas that is maybe true
but you can’t blame me
just blame the rich
or talk not rich to much
I don’t think you look ungood
just wonderful to me to the fullest
intent.  ♥


ungry and quiet

I …. oh I love you still
I miss you still
one can also speak while saying nothing
being quiet is also an option
only sometimes
I need to scream it seems

to love is too wonderful it seems
so I write I love you
it sounds so wonderful
and it is true
but I am alone still
here with me
I want to say sorry for being so angry about it
I’m not angry at you
just at me
for being so hungry for life
which resents me
for being so “ungry”

Maybe Life is a Circle

So, I might have found out tonight, that I prepared my whole life for meeting you, with that important person that you are, with someone, who is actually always in my mind, with someone that fulfilled everything that I knew… it is so weird and wonderful at the same time.
I mulled over things: what if I had gone through with all my plans? Wouldn’t I have met you there, like it was planned anyway from the universe, or would I have missed you, because then I could not have written anything in that manner that I did,  and you could not have “answered” in the manner you did, and instead we would have missed each other possibly? Or would it have been completely different, with other persons and other incidents? I wonder…

These painful moments with you, they are really the most playful wonderful moments in my life.
You are so different from everything I know. Which is weird, because I knew you. I just did not know that then, at that moment or after… Luckily I write, so I can remember through my writings, otherwise I would not know.
You informed me, though and this mixes with my writings which I did years ago, and it clears all up. No fog there any more. It more becomes to get a puzzle. Parts are missing, but they still don’t destroy the whole picture, which is slowly forming itself.
I just love how it goes round and round…

Maybe, someone really invented a time machine? I can’t find an answer to that, since I lack of moments in my life, which are lost and miraculously were cut out, or better, were given back?  What I saw in my dreams was real, so maybe there is no sleep anyway. Who knows that. Sure, I am not so childish not to understand what you told me, but my mind just need these plays, otherwise I get bored out too much.

This way, all makes sense. Every step I took in my life. Every moment I lived through. Every missing. Every feeling, each minute I lost and forgot. Each pain I swallowed like a seagull, it all comes to a point where my life is all so meaningful. Nothing is senseless after all. ♥


Lost youth

I never had a youth
it was stolen from me
it was forbidden to be beautiful and fashionable
it was forbidden to be happy and having fun
then I was suddenly old
and people teased me for my ugliness
for my broken skin
and old woman behaviour
I simply now detest life
and always did
nothing came of it
not even children
no youth at all
not in a million years for me
I am old, so old
like a wrinkled witch
that never had love
or experienced something wonderful
no I do not believe in wonders…
not anymore.

I just want to be free, to have at least some peace and something that kind of resembles the art of fun a bit,  for the rest of my life. It won’t be a compensation really, but somehow a try to do so.