Maybe Life is a Circle

So, I might have found out tonight, that I prepared my whole life for meeting you, with that important person that you are, with someone, who is actually always in my mind, with someone that fulfilled everything that I knew… it is so weird and wonderful at the same time.
I mulled over things: what if I had gone through with all my plans? Wouldn’t I have met you there, like it was planned anyway from the universe, or would I have missed you, because then I could not have written anything in that manner that I did,  and you could not have “answered” in the manner you did, and instead we would have missed each other possibly? Or would it have been completely different, with other persons and other incidents? I wonder…

These painful moments with you, they are really the most playful wonderful moments in my life.
You are so different from everything I know. Which is weird, because I knew you. I just did not know that then, at that moment or after… Luckily I write, so I can remember through my writings, otherwise I would not know.
You informed me, though and this mixes with my writings which I did years ago, and it clears all up. No fog there any more. It more becomes to get a puzzle. Parts are missing, but they still don’t destroy the whole picture, which is slowly forming itself.
I just love how it goes round and round…

Maybe, someone really invented a time machine? I can’t find an answer to that, since I lack of moments in my life, which are lost and miraculously were cut out, or better, were given back?  What I saw in my dreams was real, so maybe there is no sleep anyway. Who knows that. Sure, I am not so childish not to understand what you told me, but my mind just need these plays, otherwise I get bored out too much.

This way, all makes sense. Every step I took in my life. Every moment I lived through. Every missing. Every feeling, each minute I lost and forgot. Each pain I swallowed like a seagull, it all comes to a point where my life is all so meaningful. Nothing is senseless after all. ♥

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Lost youth

I never had a youth
it was stolen from me
it was forbidden to be beautiful and fashionable
it was forbidden to be happy and having fun
then I was suddenly old
and people teased me for my ugliness
for my broken skin
and old woman behaviour
I simply now detest life
and always did
nothing came of it
not even children
no youth at all
not in a million years for me
I am old, so old
like a wrinkled witch
that never had love
or experienced something wonderful
no I do not believe in wonders…
not anymore.

I just want to be free, to have at least some peace and something that kind of resembles the art of fun a bit,  for the rest of my life. It won’t be a compensation really, but somehow a try to do so.