easy question

do you tell me of her
how she is destined
and I am at a loss
or
are you speaking of how
I am destined
to have a fatal destiny
or
do you speak of me
when you write by you
how we will be destined
or is it just she
and I am destined to be alone?
can someone be so harsh to
speak like that
to someone hoping
or rather
loosing out on hope.

Disclaimer

sometimes, when I write “real”, I mean the word real that means truely, not the word real written in wrong, you know… sometimes what I write does not have a true code.
My codes come and go, but they are not always part of my writing. I write what I want people to understand, not necessarily speaking codish…

Just so you know. I need to get so much out of me, so I can’t wait for any code to come through, I just say what I want to say. The way I want to say it. Directly and without any weird or unweirdly code.

I do not lie, I just try to understand what is happening to me.
sending my love to whoever is the right one, or the one that knows he is the one, in case he wants it anyway, I do not even believe so… you know, spoken out-codish, I am scared, angry, disappointed, shocked, bored, waiting, annoyed as well as disconcerned… do I love you? I don’t know, because I don’t know why you all do it… or, better, did it… if you did it… if it happened at all, which I currently doubt…

I know the rules

quietness is killing me strongly
pain is washing over me
I don’t want to write
it is only for myself
yes too old
there is no way and I know
this just screams for an end
and we can end it all here and now
I am used to me
my path is already written down and clear
I think
the mirror is what I hate
I hate to look inside
so many people become forgotten in their end
it is not unusual at all
I can’t even create
my head too full of slashing pain as well as sadness
there is no room for any beauty art inside my brain
you all bullies
f.u.
I want to stop grammar
after all this.

I shouldn’t take anything to my heart
shouldn’t take anyone serious
shouldn’t be hurt by any of you
why did I take anything personal over my life
humans are trash
I am not one
because all the racist, mean, white and superior human trash
did not treat me like one so know you have it
and that goes also for the black trash same as white trash
they do not differ from each other or have you ever been in “Africa”
I suppose not – otherwise you knew, they can be cruel and they were to me
I would rather eat a toxic snake or touch tarantulas than ever trust a human being again
I do not like humans – and I never will
I am all on my own
I hope you will find one that can take control
that is actually a very human treat
so it does not belong to me
and
believe whatever you want – you don’t know me.

time

don’t know how to
but we must
if I would write a book
I would call it “a truly unhappy life”
and write it until the moment of death
these are so dark times
I am broken and tired
of waiting
for things to come
I need time…

instead unpoetic

I don’t know what you mean
with “you never loved me”
I don’t know what this song is about
in case it even is a song
I don’t understand

instead
the worst thing is, that life is a journey for which I am not prepared
and to what I am not invited

life is nothing without love
but that’s what it probably is
instead.

But why do I talk about love
while I am truly ugly
and nobody would ever look at me
I just wanted to mention this
while being ugly
and unpoetic.

getting

If I could get it
if you talk in positive ways to me
or in negative ways
I could possibly understand
and write in positive
or best
I don’t know I simply don’t know

Confusion

○

I don’t even know what I did
to work you so up
why do I write at all
maybe I just am too stupid
for understanding…. ?
I am beyond catching up

but I’m not there…
although I followed my heart
it did not make me happy
or anyone else. ♥

 

confusion …

I just want to write a ♥
I know that every word is just too much
but I feel you…
whereas… while only words we have
your heart can never be too much.

I linger in my own realm

I may not have power
but I still have fingers
to write
down
my lingery, and my realm of light
to the world.

I hate my life

Well. To write this is unnecessary, and yet I do it. I hate my life, and everybody knows it. Does not know my life, really almost nobody knows me, although I met hundreds and thousands of people in my life, but nobody stayed in my life so far… They only know my life is unworthy. I am not worth much, and I don’t really am a person, that should be here in this era, this world or at all to be.
To write here does not really make sense, since you can see me, so what use is my writing? I just feel so lost, so lonely and so hopeless. But you know that already….
Everything is so dark.